Gravity Falls Rule 63: Season 2
by HiroLemonFan
Summary: As Dana and Marcus' summer in Gravity Falls continues, they soon discover more secrets about the town and its residence. But will they handle the dark and mysterious truth behind their great-aunt Silvia? The sequel to Gravity Falls Rule 63: Season 1.
1. Scary-oke

**A/N: This is a continuation of Gravity Falls Rule 63: Season 1. If you haven't read that yet, please go read it before you read this story. Otherwise a lot of things won't make much sense.**

* * *

Things weren't the same since Bonnie Gleeful was arrested, especially since Jennifer was now staying with the Pines. Dana and Marcus did their own mini videos (Dana did a Guide to Mystery while Marcus did a Guide to Life), and Salls had a brief stunt as a TV fix-it person. On one evening, the Pines, Jennifer, and Salls snuck into a movie theater. There was also that time Dana and Marcus won a dog sled race against a space lizard. And who could forget the day the Pines family, William, Salls, and Jennifer freed a mutated cow from captivity?

But after many long weeks, the Surprise Hut was finally back in business.

"Welcome everyone, to the grand re-opening of the Surprise Hut!" Silvia announced. Tourists cheered for her.

"We're here to celebrate we defeated that psychopath Bonnie Gleeful!" Silvia continued. The tourists started booing. "Please, please... Boo harder!" The tourists booed again.

"But I didn't catch that murderer all alone," Silvia said. She gestured to Dana, Marcus, and Jennifer. "These three scamps deserve most of the glory." She playfully rubbed Dana's hat.

Toby Determined held up cinder block that was painted to look like a camera. "Smile for the camera!" she said.

"Your camera's a cinder block, Toby," Silvia pointed out.

"I just wanna to be a part of things..." Toby complained.

"Smile for a REAL camera," Shandra Jimenez said.

"Everybody do something silly!" Marcus said.

The four posed for the camera. Marcus poked his fingers in his cheeks, Jennifer smiled sweetly, Silvia puts on some jazz hands, and Dana pretended to choke herself. They relaxed after the photo was taken.

"And don't forget to go to the after-party tonight at eight," Silvia said, showing an After-Party poster.

"We're doing a karaoke bonanza, people!" Marcus announced. "Light! Music! Enchantment!" He blew confetti out of his hand. "And an amazing karaoke-performance by our band, Love Patrol Alpha!" He held up a picture of himself, Dana, and Jennifer wearing sparkling jumpsuits.

"I don't know about that..." Dana said shyly.

"Too late!" Marcus said. "I wrote your names on the list! It's happening!"

William blew an air horn. "Buy your tickets, people!" he said. "You know you don't have anything going on in your lives! I'm talking to you, Pizza Guy! Don't lame out on me!" The tourists followed him outside.

Silvia sighed. "The town loves us and we finally got that weird smell out of the carpet," she said. "Everything is finally going our way."

"Hey, Graunt Silvia," Dana said. "Now that we have a moment, I've been meaning to ask you for my journal back."

Silvia pulled out the journal. "You mean this old thing?" she asked, giving the book back to Dana. "It was so boring, I couldn't even finish it."

"Wait, you're just gonna give it to me?" Dana asked. "Just like that?"

"Of course, sweetie," Silvia answered, smiling wide.

"I... I gotta go!" Dana said. She took Marcus with her to her room.

* * *

Once Dana and Marcus were in her room, she turned on her electric lamp and locked the door. "Marcus, we've got to talk," Dana said. "Almost losing my journal made me realize that I'm halfway trough the summer, and still no closer to figuring out the big mysteries of Gravity Falls. Bonnie almost destroyed the town to get her hands on this Journal. But why? Who wrote it? Where are all the other journals?There's something HUGE going on right under our noses. And it's time we stop goofing around and get to the bottom of it."

"Stargirl, you looked at that thing for like a bazillion times," Marcus said. "There's nothing left to discover! Half the pages are blank, remember?"

Dana flipped through pages of Journal 3. "I just feel like I'm one puzzle piece away from figuring out everything," she said.

"Don't worry Dana!" Marcus said. He lifted up Oinkers. "Lady Mystery Ham is on the case!"

Dana blinked. "I don't know why I tell you things..."

* * *

Back at the gift shop, Salls saw a car outside. "Hey, Ms. Pines, what's that code word I'm supposed to yell when I see a government vehicle?" she asked.

"Wait, what?" Silvia asked. She went over to Salls and looked outside the window. "Government vehicle?"

A U.S. Government vehicle arrived near the Surprise Hut. Silvia, with a scared look on her face, quickly closed the window, went to the Surprise Hut intercom, and screamed into it. "The Surprise Hut is now closed, everybody out!"

Marcus and Dana ran over to Silvia while all the customers were leaving the gift shop. "Graunt Silvia, what's happening?" Marcus asked.

"Yeah, you never shut down the gift shop," Dana said.

Someone knocked on the door, prompting Silvia to answer it. "Welcome to the Surprise Hut, gentlemen!" she said, proudly holding her cane (which now had a silver orb where the 8 ball was). "What can I get you? Key chains? Snow globes? These rare gemstones?"

Two men appeared in front of Silvia, showing their government I.D. cards. "My name is Agent Powers and this is Agent Trigger," the first man said. "We come from the organization known as UNIT, and we're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town."

"Activity!" Trigger emphasized, pointing at Silvia.

"Mysterious activity?" Silvia asked. "In the Surprise Hut?" She forced a laugh. "You have to be joking!"

"I assure you I'm not," Powers said. "I was born with a rare disorder that made me physically incapable of experiencing humor. Now if you'll excuse us, we are conducting an investigation."

Both men entered the Surprise Hut. "Investigation!" Trigger said, poking Silvia menacingly.

"Wait!" Dana said. "Wait, did you guys say you're investigating the mysteries of this town?"

"That information is classified," Powers said. He knelt down. "But yes. Between you and me, I believe there is an conspiracy of paranormal origin all connected to this town. We're just one lead away from blowing the lid of this entire mystery."

"Are you kidding me?" Dana asked, getting excited. "I'm investigating the exact same thing! I found this Journal in the woods which has almost all the answers. If we work together, we could crack the case!"

"If you have evidence of these claim, we should talk," Powers said, giving Dana his card.

"We could talk right now!" Dana squealed. "Please please. C-Come in! I have so much to show you!"

But then Silvia interfered. "I'm sorry agents," she said. "The kid has an overactive imagination. As well as a sleeping problem. There's absolutely nothing dangerous going on with this place. Now carry on with whatever you UNIT guys do."

"Very well," Powers said. "We'll be on our way."

Triggger took ten rings. "I'm confiscating this for evidence."

"Smart move," Powers said.

"Wait!" Dana exclaimed as the two men left. "We've got so much to talk about!"

"Oh no," Silvia said, stopping Dana. "The last thing you want at a party is cops." She took the card from Dana. "And for once, please act like a normal kid." Silvia put the card in a box and walked into the living room.

"But Graunt Silvia!" Dana said. "You don't understand!"

"And don't go talking to those UNIT guys," Silvia added.

Dana groaned. "That could've been my big break!"

Marcus took the journal from Dana. "Stargirl, maybe Graunt Silvia is right," he said. "We're throwing a party tonight! Can't you go one night without searching for aliens or raising the dead or whatever?"

"I'm not gonna raise the dead," Dana said. "I just need a chance to show those agents my book!"

"Trust me, Dana," Marcus said. "The only book you'll need tonight is right here." He gave Dana a book of karaoke songs.

* * *

That evening, the party was being set up. Salls placed a nacho bowl on a table, Marcus and Jennifer stood on the podium, while Silvia walked to the hut.

Jennifer activated a confetti cannon. "Well, the confetti cannon works," she said.

Marcus looked at the karaoke machine. "Holy smokes!" he said. "This karaoke machine has all the best songs! We Built This Township on Rock and Roll, Danger Lane to Highway Town, Taking Over Midnight by &ndra!"

"Was it really a good idea to get Dana involved?" Jennifer asked. "She seems a bit shy about singing. What if she's a bad singer?"

"Jennifer, karaoke is not about sounding good," Marcus said. "It's about sounding terrible, TOGETHER."

Meanwhile, William and Dana were hanging up posters. William laughed. "Check it out!" he said. "These black lights make my teeth look scary." He turned on a black light. "It's like a crime scene, in my mouth!" But Dana didn't respond. "C'mon, you love it."

Dana sighed. "It's not fair," she said. "I finally meet someone who can help me solve the mysteries of this town, and Graunt Silvia confiscates their card."

"Dude, I probably shouldn't be telling you this," William said. "But I'm pretty sure Silvia hides everything in her room."

"But if I go into Graunt Silvia's room, I could get in so much trouble," Dana said.

"Yeah, you're probably right," William said. Then he chuckled. "That's what makes it fun, dummy!"

Salls was stacking piñatas shaped like Silvia's head. "Man, I can't wait to smash these 'fuñatas'!"

"Smash!" Gary called out. He dove into the fuñatas, breaking them and the table they were on. "The Bronies have entered the party!"

Cameron picked up candy from the destroyed fuñatas. "This candy looks delicious," he commented.

"Guys!" Marcus happily exclaimed. He and Jennifer Brohoof'd with Cameron and Gary.

"Is that a limited edition glittery Pinkie Pie figure on that chain you're wearing?" Gary asked.

"Yep!" Marcus replied, holding up the Pony medallion. "I figured today was a good time to wear it."

While that was going on, some vehicles pull into the Surprise Hut parking lot. Silvia was at a table with 'FREE ADMISSION' written on the front.

"Who's got one good eye and one good pie?" Samuel asked as he carried a pie.

"These kegs are full of MEAT!" Manly Dan said, carrying two kegs.

"The whole town is showing up!" Silvia happily said. "And no sign of those UNIT guys. William, Dana, how are those posters coming along?"

* * *

Inside the hut, Dana and William were outside Silvia's room. "I'll keep an eye out for Silvia," William said. "You go rustle through her stuff."

Dana opened the door and walked into Silvia's room. _"Alright, Graunt Silvia,"_ she thought. _"Where did you hide that card?"_

But after a few seconds of searching, Dana couldn't find the card. But then she had an idea. She moved a portrait of Silvia to reveal a secret compartment with a box in it. Dana took out the box and pulled out Agent Powers' card. With the card in hand, she picked up the phone and dialed the number on the card.

"Agent Powers."

"Hi, this is Dana," Dana said. "The kid from the Surprise Hut. I have that journal I wanted to show you!"

"And you're certain this 'journal' will help our case?" Powers asked.

"I'm a hundred percent positive," Dana answered.

"Very well," Powers said. "We're on our way."

* * *

While the party was going on, the government vehicle from earlier drove into the parking lot. Agent Trigger and Agent Powers got out of it and were greeted by Dana. "Guys, I'm so glad to see you," she said. "Working together we can crack the all of the big questions of Gravity Falls! Trust me, this book is the lead you've been looking for." She gave the book to the agents and they started reading it. "I'm thinking about a full-scale investigation. Forensics, researchers. Do you guys have a helicopter?" She giggled. "I'm sorry, 'helicopTERS'."

"Kid, I'd love to believe you, but this just looks like junk from some cheap gift shop," Powers said. "I mean, Leprecorn? I can't be the only one who thinks that's not funny."

"I can confirm," Trigger said. "Not funny."

"No, no, no! It's real, I swear!" Dana insisted. "You should 'send it to the lab'. Am I saying that right?"

Powers gave Dana back the journal. "Your great-aunt was right about that overactive imagination of yours," he said. "We've got paperwork to do, kid."

"Boring. Paperwork," Trigger emphasized.

"WAIT!" Dana exclaimed. "This book is real!" She flipped through the pages. "Gnomes, Cursed Objects, Spells! LISTEN! Uh, uh, Corpus Levitus! Diablo Dominus! MONDO VICIUM!"

Suddenly, the ground started shaking. A huge crack formed between Dana's feet and she jumped away and landed near the agents. Green smoke came out of the crack. A zombie slowly climbed out and roared.

"A zombie!" Dana said. "A real, actual, zombie. Spooky journal, 100% real. Now can we work together?"

"Mother of all that is holy!" Powers exclaimed.

"What do we do?" Trigger asked.

"It's just one zombie," Dana said. "Trust me. I see things like this all the time."

Dana scanned trough her journal, looking for a solution. Then after a few seconds, the zombie roared in her face about to eat her brains. Dana screamed. Powers quickly hit the zombie with a rock, knocking it out.

"Whew," Dana said. "Good thing it was just that one."

As if on cue, the ground started shaking again more cracks formed, more green smoke appeared, and suddenly hundreds of zombies emerged and started going after Dana, Trigger, and Powers.

"Oh my gosh!" Dana exclaimed. "You guys can help, right?!"

"Kid, we've been chasing the paranormal for years now, but we have never seen anything like this before!" Powers informed.

Suddenly, zombies pulled the agents into the darkness of the forest, leaving Dana by herself.

* * *

Back at the party, Marcus was talking to the crowd of the party. "Is this party legendary or what?!" he happily asked.

But then the ground started shaking. A woman screamed. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" a man exclaimed.

"Whoa, WHOA! I think it's an earthquake!" William said. He blew an airhorn. "Hey, everybody, we got to get out of here!"

"We're all doomed!" Cameron panicked.

"Quick, get into my backpack!" Gary said, prompting Cameron jumps into his backpack. "Marcus, escape while you still can!"

"Wait, no! Don't leave!" Marcus exclaimed as everyone ran off. "We haven't even done our karaoke song yet!"

"Marcus, you're my Pony pal, but sometimes you have to know when to quit!" Jennifer said before she ran into the hut.

Dana ran into the party. Marcus noticed the zombies following her. "Dana, what's the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?" he asked.

"Raise the dead," Dana answered.

"And what did you do?" Marcus asked.

"Raise the dead," Dana repeated.

As the zombies got closer, Marcus and Dana backed up as Salls heroically steped in front to protect them. "Stay calm," Salls instructed. "I have been training for this moment my whole life. With all the horror movies I see, I literally know all there is to know about to avoid zombies."

But then zombie bit Salls, turning her into a zombie. "Second thought, gonna flip the script," she said. "Can I eat your brains? Yea or nay? Seeing some yea faces over here.

Dana and Marcus screamed and ran around the side of the house, with Salls and the other zombies in slow pursuit. Dana slices through a zombie with her shovel. "Quick! The golf cart!" she exclaimed.

But the zombies attacked the golf cart, tipping it over and biting at it. "Oh, come on!" Dana complained.

"That's a bummer," Salls said. "Good news for me, though."

"Salls!" Dana exclaimed.

"Sorry, I just really want those brains!" Salls said.

Without any good options, Dana used the shovel to hit a colorful disco ball at the zombies. One of the zombies caught it in its mouth and swallowed it, sending rays of colorful light shining out between its ribs. They continued advancing toward the twins, who stood in fear.

"Give it up!" Salls said. "Your fighting only makes us look more rad!"

"What do we do?" Marcus asked. "Where's Graunt Silvia?"

"How's she supposed to help?" Dana asked. "She doesn't even believe in the supernatural!"

A zombie popped up in front of the twins. "Take that, sucka!" Marcus exclaimed, hitting the zombie with the karaoke machine. Its head flew off.

More zombies approached behind the twins. They screamed and ran into the hut.

* * *

"Quick! We need to board up all the windows!" Dana said.

Dana and Marcus piled things in front of the door, blocking it. The zombies pressed against the door and began to break it.

"Okay, maybe that'll hold 'em," Dana said, backing up.

The window crashed open. Salls leaned in. "I taught the zombies how to get into the fuse box," she said. "I'm like a genius to them!"

The hut's lights went out, with red light pouring in from outside. Zombies started climbing in through the window.

"Dana, isn't there something in the journal about defeating zombies?!" Marcus asked.

Dana frantically looked through the journal. "NO! THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WEAKNESSES!" She sighed. "This can't be happening. I wanted answers so bad that I put everyone in danger. Now we're toast, it's all my fault, and no one can save us!" A zombie grabbed her arm and lifted her up. "MARCUS, I'M SORRY!"

Dana screamed. The zombie opened its mouth, when suddenly...

SMASH!

The zombie was hit with a cane and dropped Dana, its head crushed by Silvia, who was standing in a heroic stance with her cane in her hand.

"Quickly!" Silvia said. "Get to the attic!"

"Graunt... Graunt Silvia?" Dana asked.

"Just go!" Silvia said.

As Dana and Marcus fled, the zombies approached. "All right, you meddlesome pests, are you ready to die twice?" Silvia asked, twirling her cane around.

The twins ran through the living room with Silvia following, fighting off zombies. "You creatures are no match for a woman such as myself!" Silvia said, using her cane to whack the zombies. She backed up the stairs as more zombies entered from the front door. At the top of the stairs, she pushes over a grandfather clock, sending it tumbling into the horde of zombies.

* * *

The twins ran into Marcus' room and slammed the door. Thankfully Jennifer was already there, perfectly alright. They backed away as something started breaking in. The door opened to reveal Silvia, who closed the door and barricaded it with a chair.

"Graunt Silvia, that was amazing!" Dana said. "At least you can't deny magic exists anymore, right?"

"But Dana," Silvia said. "I've always known."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Dana asked.

"I'm fully aware of the supernatural elements of this strange town," Silvia explained. "If one is not careful, they could get seriously hurt. I haven't exactly been myself lately, but I have been trying keep you away from it. I had to protect you from danger."

"But what do we do about the zombies?" Jennifer asked.

Dana paced across the room. "Well, normally the journal would help us, but there's nothing in there about defeating zombies!" She paused by a black light and it glowed on the journal, revealing glowing text. "It's hopeless!"

"Holy smokes!" Marcus exclaimed. "The text! It's glowing in the black light!"

"What?" Dana asked. She fliped through the journal with Marcus, Jennifer, and Silvia watching. The pages were covered with previously hidden notes.

"All this time I thought I knew all the journal's secrets, but they're written in some kind of invisible ink!" Dana said. She found the section on zombies. 'Zombies have a weakness! Previously thought to be invincible, their skulls can be shattered by a perfect three-part harmony.'. How can we create that?"

Marcus and Jennifer grinned at each other.

* * *

The zombies outside crowded the Surprise Hut. They wandered through the gift shop when a noise came from a microphone. The zombies started walking outside. Salls walked through the living room, but then she noticed the TV. "Ooh, Queer Eye is on!" She sat on the sofa to watch. A zombie called from outside. "Eh, I already sat down."

The zombies gathered outside. Dana, Jennifer, and Marcus were on the roof awning, each holding a microphone. "Zombies and gentlemen!" Marcus announced. "I'm Marcus, they're Dana and Jennifer, and together we're Love Patrol Alpha!"

"I never agreed to this," Dana said.

"Hit it!" Marcus said.

The song Taking Over Midnight started playing. With careful timing, the three began to sing together.

Dana: _Friday night_  
 _We're gonna party_  
 _'Til dawn_  
 _Don't worry, daddy_  
 _I've got my favorite dress on?!_

"Marcus, this is stupid!" Dana whispered.

Marcus: _We're rollin' to the party_  
 _The boys are lookin' our way_  
 _We just keep dancin'_  
 _We don't care what they say_

 _And all the boys are_  
 _Gettin' up in my face_

But it wasn't working. "Guys, we have to sing together or it won't work!" Marcus said.

Jennifer: _Boys are a bore_  
 _Let's show 'em the door_

All: _We're taking over the dance floor!_

As the three kids sang together, the zombies' heads exploded.

All: _Oooh Ooh_  
 _Girls do what we like_  
 _Oooh Ooh_  
 _We're taking over tonight_  
 _Oooh Ooh_  
 _Girls do what we like_  
 _Oooh Ooh_  
 _We're taking over tonight_

 _We're queens of the disco!_

 _Oooh Ooh_  
 _Girls do what we like_  
 _Oooh Ooh_  
 _We're taking over tonight_

Dana: _Taking over tooniiiiight!_

As the guitar riff played, a zombie popped up and Dana screamed. Marcus shot it with confetti cannon. Its head landed in the punch bowl as the rising sun illuminated the corpses of all the zombies.

"Thank you!" Marcus said. "We'll be here all night!"

* * *

In the living room, Dana, Marcus, Jennifer, and Silvia were cleaning up. "I'm sorry about this," Dana said. "I totally ruined everything."

"Dana, are you kidding me?" Marcus asked. "I got to sing karaoke with two of my favorite people in the world! No party could ever top that."

"Kids, I want to let you know that town is crazy," Silvia said. "So you need to be careful. I don't know what I would do if either of you got hurt. I'll let you hold on to that journal, but as long as you promise me you'll only use it for self-defense."

"Okay," Dana said.

"Now then, where is Salls anyway?" Silvia asked.

"Brains! Braaains!" Salls chanted. Silvia panicked and aimed her cane at the still zombified Salls.

"Wait!" Dana said. "There's a page in here about curing zombification. It's gonna take a lot of formaldehyde."

"And cinnamon!" Marcus said.

"Come on Salls, let's fix you up," Dana said.

"Brains! Braaains!" Salls continued to chant.

Marcus prodded Salls out of the room. "Salls, cut it out!" he said.

"Sorry," Salls said.

 _"I can't believe it!"_ Dana thought, looking through the journal. _"All this time the author's secrets were hiding in plain sight!"_ She pulled out a portable black light and shined it on the journal. _"A whole new chapter of mysteries to explore..."_


	2. Into the Bunker

Dana was visiting the Corduroy residence, watching a horror movie with William.

 **"What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!"**

 **"Far worse, Trixandra! They're... Nearly Almost Dead But Not Quite!"**

Dana giggled. "These movies are a lot less scary when you actually fought real zombies," she said.

"They're slow!" William called out. "Just power-walk away from them!"

Dana nudged William with her elbow. "How much you want to bet that guy dies first?" she asked.

As if on cue, a loud crunching sound was heard from the TV.

 **"Aah! My face is being eaten a lot!"**

William and Dana laughed. "Chadley ain't pretty no more," William commented.

William's phone buzzed. "One second." He grabbed his phone, then he groaned. "Great, another text from Becca!"

"Oh, yeah! Becca," Dana said "How's, uh, how's all that going?" She ate some popcorn.

"I'm over her," William said. "I just wish she was over me! Just look at these texts." He showed Dana his phone. "A picture of her with a black eye? What does that even mean?"

"And you're not seeing any other girls?" Dana asked.

"Of course I am," William said. "Meet my new girlfriend." He hugged his plush bear-panther, the same one Dana won at the Surprise Fair.

Dana giggled. "Right, right," she said. "So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to maybe if, you know, you and me, whatever. I mean, if maybe you...wanted to join me and Marcus on this mystery hunt? Tomorrow? Conspiracy stuff and all that?"

"Yeah," William said. "I love doing all that junk with friends."

"Yeah, that's what we are," Dana said sadly. She looked at a note she had written about confessing her crush on William. "That's all we'll ever be." She crumpled up the note and laid back on William's bed. "Friends."

* * *

Over at the Surprise Hut, construction was going on. "Ms. Pines, what exactly caused all this damage?" a workman asked. "I need to write a report."

"Oh, just a crowd of angry, mindless people," Silvia said, using certain words without outright saying 'zombies'.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dana, Marcus, and Salls were standing around the tree that contained Journal 3. Dana tapped a pen on a lantern. "Thank you all for coming," she said. Then she noticed someone was absent. "Marcus, didn't you say Jennifer was coming with us?"

"She said she would like to come explore with us," Marcus explained. "But with her mother in jail for life, she has to work a lot more at the Castle of Telepathy."

"Moving on," Dana said. "We're here to solve the number one mystery in Gravity Falls: who wrote this journal? Thirty years ago, the author vanished without a trace. But according to this new clue..." She turned on portable black light. "We may have found her secret hiding place." The black light revealed hidden drawings on the selected page. "We find that author, we learn the answers to everything. We just need to figure out a way to get down there."

"Chop it down, dudes!" It was William, who came by bike.

"William!" Marcus happily said.

"Oh, hey! You came," Dana said.

"I'm stoked about this," William said, getting off his bike. "I've been wanting to go adventuring with you guys. Sure beats picking up after my dad at home. Thanks for the invite, Dana!"

Dana got flustered. "Of course, anytime you wanna... I, we're always... Us."

"Uh-oh!" Marcus said. He poked Dana. "Inviting William on our mission? I think there's romance afoot!"

"You're wrong," Dana said. "I've thought this through and I'm over William. I've looked at it from every angle, and that thing was going nowhere. I know what matters to me now, and it's finding the author of this journal."

"YOU'RE over William?!" Marcus asked. "Allow me to put on my 'skepticals'." He made circles around his eyes with his fingers.

"I've moved on, Marcus," Dana said. "You should too."

William inspected the tree. "Is it just me, or does that branch kinda look like a lever?"

Dana turned her back on the tree. "But how do we get there?" she asked.

As Dana rambled, William used some nearby rope to start climbing up the tree. When he reached the lever-branch, he pulled an ax out of his belt, swung it around, and hit the lever.

"Holy smokes!" Marcus exclaimed.

"My dad used to make me compete in these lumberjack games when I was a kid," William explained, climbing down the tree and getting back on the ground. "Guess I kinda ruled at it."

Suddenly, the tree began shaking. The ground near the tree sunk down, and a staircase to the middle of the tree appeared, and subsequently a door inside the tree opened.

"Alright guys, this is it," Dana said. "Remember, whatever happens down there, we tell no one." Marcus gave a thumbs up, Salls put on a brave face, and William zipped his lips.

Dana held up the lantern. "Now who wants to go first?" she asked.

* * *

And so, the four headed down the staircase and they entered a room. They were amazed with what they saw.

"It's like a fallout shelter or something," Dana said "it must have belonged to the author."

William looked at the Fallout Shelter poster on the wall and dusted it off, while Marcus put his face in a barrel and came out with caterpillars on his face.

"This is incredible!" Dana exclaimed. "It's like she was preparing for a disaster." She looked up a shelf with dated boxes, the highest labeled 2070. "But what kinda disaster would need supplies for over sixty years?"

Salls opened a weapons locker. "Oh my gosh!" She pulled out a small toy. "A Smez dispenser! I remember these things. What's that, yes I will have some of your old-timey face food." She ate a piece candy from the dispenser. "Ew, dusty!" She ate a second piece of candy.

Dana held up a dripping bean can.. "Wait guys, I think this can was opened recently," she said.

"The author might still be alive down here!" Salls realized.

"Wait a minute..." William said. He pulled down a map of Gravity Falls from 1982, revealing an open hatch cover. "I think I know where she might have gone..."

* * *

After crawling through a tunnel, the group arrived at a room made of metal cubes. "Oh man!" William said. "Was this place built in the past or the future?"

"Yeah, this room is pretty weird," Salls said.

"Not as weird as Dana's internet book club!" Marcus said. "Heyo!" He shoved Dana, and she stepped on the square with the design and it depressed, causing the hatch to slam and lock. The symbols on the other wall squares glowed red, a buzzer sounded, and the room started to shake. Some squares started to poke into the room.

"What's goin' on?" Salls asked.

The four pressed up against wall, beginning to panic. "Wall things!" Marcus exclaimed. "Crazy wall things happening right now!"

William tried to push the blocks back in. "It won't stop!" he exclaimed.

"Dana! What do we do?!" Marcus asked.

Dana frantically flipped through the journal and stopped at a page labeled 'Security Room'. She shined the blacklight on it and showed her brother and friends the page with symbol on it. "Find these four symbols!" she instructed. "Quick! Everybody step on one!"

Salls pushed on a symbol, William punched the second symbol, and Marcus summersaulted over to the third symbol and slapped it. Dana saw the final symbol, so she climbed up the blocks and tapped it. A door opened on the other side of the room.

"Run for it!" Marcus exclaimed.

The group ran out. But Dana's hoodie got caught in the block, so she slipped out.

* * *

In what appeared to be an old surveillance room, William was smiling wide. "That was nuts!" He gently punched Dana on the arm. "You ruled back there!"

Dana giggled. "Thanks," she said.

William and Salls looked around the room. "Get a load of this crazy surveillance room," William said.

"Hey sis, you forgot your hoodie," Marcus said. He walked over to the hoodie and pulled it out, causing the note from earlier fall to the floor. "What the..?" He read the note, then gasped.

"Hey Dana!" Marcus said. "Look what I found..." He held up the note.

Dana tied the hoodie around her waist. Upon seeing the note, she gasped. "What did you...? Give me that!" She snatched the note, ripped it up, and dropped the pieces onto the ground.

"I kew it! I knew it! I knew it!" Marcus happily said. "You're not over William at all!" The 12-year-old boy gasped. "And you were gonna tell him today?"

"No, I changed my mind," Dana said. "It's a bad idea. I'd embarrass myself and then I'd be another girl he hates, like Becca."

"Dana, you should just tell him already," Marcus said. "One way or another, you'll feel better afterwards."

"I can't tell him no matter how much I want to," Dana said. "So just drop it, okay?"

"Dana, you gotta check out this weird metal closet!" William called out. He stepped into a closet.

"Coming!" Dana called back. She briefly glared at Marcus before she walked over to William.

 _"She wants to tell him, but she's scared,"_ Marcus thought, a serious look on his face. _"Maybe she needs a little push."_

Marcus ran over to Dana and hugged her. "Stargirl, whatever happens, I just you need to know something," he said. "This is for your own good." He shoved Dana into the closet with William and looked it shut.

* * *

In the closet, Dana looked at William, gasped, and pounded on the door. "MARCUS!" she exclaimed. "Let us out!"

"Oh, I'll let you out, Dana," Marcus said. "As soon as you tell William that thing you've been wanting to tell him! You'll thank me for this later!"

"What is he talking about?" William asked.

"Nothing!" Dana lied. "Marcus has just been eating raw sugar packets again."

"That's besides the point!" Marcus said.

"Let us out RIGHT NOW!" Dana said, pounding her fists on the door.

"Where are the lights?" William asked. He pulled on a cord.

Suddenly, water gushed down, followed by a blast of hot air that pushed Dana and William together. They gasped for breath, Dana's eyes briefly glancing at William's chest. A red light flashed and a tone sounded. A sign reading 'Decontamination Complete' flashed and second door opened on a wrecked underground room.

"Whoa!" Dana said. "A hidden lab! Maybe the author did experiments down here."

"What do you think dug all these tunnels?" William asked.

"Let's hope we don't find out," Dana answered.

The two heard a growling sound. They screamed and started banging their fists on the closed door as a dark figure approached.

"Marcus, open up, for real!" Dana exclaimed. "There's a monster in here!"

"Nice try!" Marcus said. "The only monsters are your own inner demons, Dana!"

"Dana, just say whatever Marcus wants you to say, so he'll let us out of here!" William said.

"Come on, Dana!" Marcus said. "Now's the time, sis!"

Dana hesitated. "William, I— I— I'm gonna find another way out!" She grabbed William's hand and pulled him in the other direction.

"Wait, what?" William asked as she and Dana ran down a tunnel. "Dude, where are we going?"

* * *

Eventually the unknown creature cornered them. "What do we do?!" William asked.

"I don't know!" Dana admitted. But then...

"Back, back you heinous beast!"

After much fighting, a woman approached Dana and William. She was blonde with purple eyes, and she wore a blue dress that had several rips and patches on it. "Well, I just ripped out a monster's tongue," she said. She threw the tongue down on the ground.

Dana started to get excited. "It's you!" she squealed.

"Hurry now," the woman said. "I scared it off, but it'll regenerate." She led Dana and William down the tunnel. "I wasn't expecting guests. I've been down here for a very long time. Years! Weeks, maybe!" She sighed. "I do miss orange juice."

"You don't understand," Dana said. "You're the woman I've been looking for! The author of the journals! I've got a billion questions to ask you! Why did you write the journals? Who was after you? Why did you build this bunker?"

"I'd love to discuss this in time," the author said. "We have more pressing matters. It's one of my experiments: a shape-shifter. Able to take the form of anyone or anything it sees. It broke free from a cage of solid steel! I've gone half crazy trying to catch the creature alone. But now you're here! Will you help me catch it?"

Dana gasped in excitement.

* * *

Back in the surveillance room, Marcus and Salls were looking around.

"Sure are taking their time in there," Salls said. She slipped on a lab coat, and picked up what appeared to be a briefcase. "Do I look smarter with this coat and brief case? I feel like I look smarter."

Marcus gasped. "Holy smokes!" he exclaimed. "Look at this tube-y thing!" He pressed a button on the dashboard. "Ice! No ice! Ice! No ice!" He saw a clipboard. "What's this? 'Experiment Number 210: the shape-shifter'."

"The shape-shifter?" Salls asked. "Didn't Dana say there was a monster in there with them?"

"I thought she was just joking!" Marcus said.

"YOU KNOW DANA'S JOKES ARE TERRIBLE!" Salls pointed out.

Marcus and Salls looked at the door. "DANA!" Marcus cried out.

* * *

Dana, William, and the author were still in the lab. "I apologize for the state of things," the author said. "I don't get many non-mole people visitors. Now the beast must have some weakness we can exploit. I just wish I had my research on me. But alas, I lost my journals so many years ago."

"Did you say journals?" William asked.

"I found one of them!" Dana said. "That's how I tracked you down here." She pulled out the journal.

"Could it be?" the author asked. She took journal from Dana. "I can't express my gratitude!" The author flipped through pages of the journal. "Oh yes, after all these years..."

* * *

Marcus and Salls ran into the lab, panting. "William!" Salls called out. "Oh, it's so dark! How will we ever find them?"

"Leave that to Marcus!" Marcus said. He pressed a button on his light-up Rarity medallion.

"Whoa, rad!" Salls complimented. "Although, isn't having electrical jewelry near clothing kinda like a fire hazard?"

"No," Marcus said. "It's a fun hazard. Now let me light the way!" He ran off with Salls following behind.

* * *

The author was still skimming through the pages of the journal, happy with what she saw.

"Isn't it amazing we're actually meeting the real author?" Dana whispered to William

William picked up and an old VHS and gasped. "Dana!" he whispered. "Look!" He held out the VHS to Dana, showing her the movie Sleeping Beauty. Sure enough, the 'author' did resemble Princess Aurora.

"Uhh, you know what?" Dana told the woman. "We should probably get going. Can I have my journal back?"

The woman blinked her eyes sideways and turned her head all the way around. "You're not going anywhere," she said, her voice deepening. She crawled up the wall and turns into her true form, which was a while blobby monster with pink eyes. It was the shape-shifter!

"How do you like my true form?" the shape-shifter said, speaking in a masculine voice. "Go on, admit it. You like it!"

"What did you do to the real author?!" Dana asked.

"You'll likely never find out," the shape-shifter responded. "That glasses-wearing nerd hasn't been herself in thirty years! But I thank you for bringing me her journal. She used to write it while I was in my cage. So many wonderful forms to take!" He flipped through the journal, transforming into different creatures.

"Hey body-snatcher!" William called out, picking up the VHS tape. "Snatch this!" He threw the VHS tape.

The shape-shifter dodged the VHS tape, turned into a giant frog monster, and lashed its tongue out at William. He held up a piece of metal to block the tongue, making it drop the journal. Dana quickly picked up the journal and she and William began to run through the tunnels.

* * *

The shape-shifter chased Dana and William while taking several forms, then he turned into a giant rolly polly monster and chased them to a fork in the tunnels. Dana threw her flashlight down one end and ran with William down the other end. They ended up crashing into Salls and Marcus.

"Wait!" Dana told William. "How do we know they're not the shape-shifter?"

Salls gasped. "Maybe I am!" she said. "Marcus, inspect my shape!"

"Poke!" Marcus said, poking Salls' stomach.

Salls laughed. "Do that again!"

"Poke!" Marcus said, poking Salls' stomach again.

Salls laughed once more. "Even better the second time!"

"It's definitely them," Dana said. She looked at William's knee and gasped. "Oh my gosh, William, you're bleeding!"

"It's cool, it's cool," William said. "It's just blood. Don't freak out."

"What happened?" Marcus asked.

"We got attacked by the shape-shifter," William said, ripping off a piece of his flannel shirt to cover the injury. "He broke out of his cage, pretended to be the author, and wants Dana's journal."

"Imagine if he escapes to the town!" Dana said. "He can transform into anything! We could never trust anyone ever again!"

"What do we do?!" Marcus asked.

"Well, he took us into his home, tricked us, and tried to destroy us," William said. "I say we return the favor."

* * *

In a different tunnel, the shape-shifter returned to his Princess Aurora form. "Dana!" 'she' called out. "Come out! I must speak with you!"

The shape-shifter turned into a creature with six legs, claws, and a one-eyed head resembling a hand. "REVEAL YOURSELF, YOU SINGLE-FORMED HUMAN WEAKLING!" He slammed his head into the ground.

"Oh boy, Dana," Marcus said, entering the room with Dana. "That book sure is full of some great monsters!"

"There you are!" the shape-shifter said. "Ooh, and a new one." He turned into Marcus. "Should I be one..." He turned into Dana. "...or the other? How about something else?!" He turned into a six-legged spider creature.

Dana and Marcus screamed and ran away as the shape-shifter chased them. They entered a room with William and Salls holding onto the valve of a pipe.

"Guys, he's coming!" Dana called out.

William and Salls started turning the valve. "It's not working!" Salls said, panicking.

The shape-shifter caught up to the group and tried to grab Dana journal with his tongue. "HEY, LET GO!" Dana said.

"You leave her alone!" William said, helping Dana.

William was pulled away with the journal. He jumped onto the shape-shifter and prepares to attack him with his ax. But with 'perfect' timing, Salls successfully turned the valve and a strong stream of water burst from the pipe. William and the shape-shifter were knocked back by the water. Dana, Marcus and Salls were caught in the flow as well. William hit a rock under the water, then the water subsided and drained out.

Dana saw William's ax and she picked it up. "WILLIAM!" she called out.

* * *

Dana followed the tunnel and found William laying on the ground. "William!" she said. "No, no, no-no-no! Can you hear me? Oh, please be okay, please be okay!"

Dana shook William, but he didn't respond. "Oh no, oh no!" Dana panicked, feeling sad. "This is all my fault! If I had told you when we were in the closet, we wouldn't be in this mess." She moved a lock of his chin-length hair away from his closed eyes. "But I was too scared and now you could be hurt or worse, and I never even got to tell you I'm— in love with you, William!" She teared up and buried her face in his chest.

"Uh, Dana?"

Dana looked up. "Huh—wha—William?!" she asked. "W-Wait, then who's...?"

The shape-shifter got up, growled, and attacked William. The two Williams fought while Dana watched. It was unclear which was the shape-shifter. Dana picked up the ax and approached them.

"Hit him with the ax!"

"Don't listen to him, Dana!"

"He's the shape-shifter!"

Dana hesitated. "I don't know who's who!" she admitted. "Give me a sign!"

One William smiled and winked, while the other William zipped his lips. Recognizing the real William, Dana stabbed the shape-shifter with the ax, causing him to roar and return to his true form.

The tube that Marcus froze and unfroze earlier flashed 'READY' as the shape-shifter ripped the ax out of his body. Dana and William pushed the shape-shifter into the tube. The door closed and the tube began freezing the shape-shifter.

Panicking, the shape-shifter turned into a rock monster, then a flame monster, then the Aurora impersonator from earlier. Then it returned to its true form and roared before it froze up.

Marcus and Salls entered the room. "Let's get out of here," Salls said.

* * *

With the group back outside, the tree returned to its default position "I think I'm kind of adventured out for a little while," Salls said. "My face hurts from screaming all day."

"Yeah, but you gotta admit we're all total heroes," Marcus said.

"Hey, who wants to get some heroes' breakfast, huh?" Salls asked.

"Syrup on cereal!" Marcus cheered as he and Salls left.

Dana sighed. "Look, William, about earlier. In the heat of the moment, I might have said said some dumb things. Can we pretend none of that ever happened? Please?"

"It's okay," William said. "I kinda feel the same way about you."

Dana was surprised. "Wait, you do?"

"Yeah," William said. "For a while I thought I was losing my mind regarding being in love with a younger girl."

Embarrassed, Dana sat down on a log. "Listen Dana," William said, sitting next to her. "You're so much smarter than like everyone else." He chuckled. "It's kinda funny. Aside from the three-year age difference, you're my dream girl."

"Marcus said confessing would make me feel better," Dana said.

"Well, how do you feel?" William asked.

Dana thought about it for a while. "Anxious. Scared. Kinda itchy."

"Dude, don't be itchy," William confessed. "Let me tell you something. You're practically the cutest girl I ever saw. I honestly have more fun with you than practically any other girl."

"So things won't be awkward?" Dana asked.

"Probably not," William said.

"So... Are we still friends?" Dana asked.

"You don't get it, do you?" William asked. Then he gave her a brief kiss on the lips. "I kind of want more than a friendship."

Dana was stunned as William stood up and got back on his bike. "And Dana?" he asked. "See you for movie night tomorrow. Your place this time, okay?" With that, he rode off on his bike.

As Dana watched William leave, a huge smile slowly appeared on her face. But then Marcus popped out of the bushes. "How did it go?" he asked.

Dana was surprised. "Wha—What did you hear?" she asked.

"Everything!" Marcus said. "All the time!"

Salls emerged from in the bushes. "I'm not here," she lied.

Dana thought about her conversation with William. "So I guess...me and William are officially dating," she realized.

"Looks like it," Marcus said. "Maybe I can ask Abigail if she's okay with double dates near Gravity Falls Lake."

Salls sat down on the log. "I'm still bummed we're no closer to finding the author," she said. "At least I got her science-y coat and briefcase." She held up the briefcase, which flopped open. "Whoa! What the?"

"Salls, that's not a briefcase," Dana said. "It's a laptop!"

"And a really busted-up one," Marcus remarked.

"I bet I could get this thing fixed up in a few days," Salls said. "It's gonna take a lotta duct tape."

"This could be our next clue!" Dana said.


	3. The Golf War

Jennifer and Oinkers were sitting on the couch watching television and eating cereal. Dana, on the other hand, was wearing her plain blue dress, sneakers, and pine tree hat, checking her reflection in a handheld mirror. She had untied her hair, leaving the messy locks loose.

Silvia entered with a pan of pancakes. "Who wants Fun-cakes?" she asked. "They're like pancakes, but they're cooked with the perfect ingredients."

Suddenly, Marcus burst through the door giddily with a newspaper in his hands. "It's here!" he cheered. I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here! The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. "My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it!" He showed everyone a view of the newspaper.

"'Marcus Pines declared squirrels as this summer's most fashionable animal'," Silvia read. "Nice work, Marcus."

The newspaper read 'GREATEST THING OF THE SUMMER!', and showed a portrait of Marcus, with the caption 'MARCUS PINES' below the picture.

Salls walked in. "Squirrel fashion season is upon us!" she said. "Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve?"

Marcus happily ran over to the nearby table, and poured himself a glass of orange juice, which he gulped down. "How are we going to celebrate this?" he asked.

 **"Looking for a way of celebrating your biggest accomplishment?"**

"Why yes!" Marcus said.

 **"Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt! *No mutton available at the snack shop*"**

"Hey, Marcus! You love mini-golf!" Dana said. She pulled out a scrapbook with a picture of Marcus winning a trophy at a minor-league gold competition with the caption 'AGE 9'. "He's been amazing at it since we were kids!" She looked over at Marcus. "What do you say, Marcus? We've had a stressful couple of days. How 'bout you have a mini-golf break?"

"Wait, you're not coming with us?" Marcus asked.

"Nah," Dana said. "I'm meeting up with William for our first date. The movie theater is having a Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000 marathon and it's schedule to last until tomorrow morning." She walked over to the front door. "Have fun at the mini-golf course, though." And with that, Dana left the house.

"Don't worry, Marcus," Jennifer said. "I'll come with you."

"Really?" Marcus asked.

Jennifer nodded in response. "For victory!" she said.

"For honor!" Marcus said.

"For destiny!" Silvia said.

"For mutton!" Salls said.

* * *

At the Ye Royal Discount Putt Hutt, Jennifer, Marcus, Silvia, and Salls walked through. A few people were walking around the course.

"Ahh, mini-golf!" Marcus said. "The sport of mini champions!"

"Ma used to take me here when I was younger," Jennifer said. "There's something for everyone here."

Becca was spray-painting the word 'Winners' on a wall and she laughed.

"Hey, you!" an employee said. "Stop!"

Becca ran away screaming.

"Come back here!" the employee said. He powered on his golf cart and attempted to chase Becca. "Hey, those are lewd hand gestures!"

Back with the four, Jennifer was up first. She hit the golf ball with her club, but it flew off-course.

"Don't worry, Jen!" Marcus said. "But next time, try to hit the ball gently."

"Guess I need some more practice," Jennifer said.

Marcus stood in front of his golf ball. "Do the hip wiggle, and..." He hit the ball with his club, which scored a hole. For some reason Old Woman McGucket was sleeping on the course.

"Yes!" Marcus cheered.

"My word!" Silvia exclaimed. "That's amazing!"

And so, Marcus continued scoring holes. Eventually he reached Hole 18. A crowd formed around Jennifer, Silvia, and Salls.

"This is amazing!" Jennifer said. "I've never seen such golf skills in my life!"

With determination, Marcus the golf ball with his club, and she scored a hole in one. He let out a cheer in delight as the crowd celebrated Marcus' win.

"Alright Marcus!" Jennifer cheered. Then she excitedly Brohoof'd Marcus.

"You did it!" Salls said.

"Guess it's official," Silvia said. "You're better than anyone else I know in Gravity-"

But then another ball scoring a hole in the exact same hole. It was none other than Patterson. "Hello, loser," he said

"Patterson!" Marcus exclaimed.

"Well, if it isn't the Pines family!" Patterson said. "Fat, old, phony, braces! What happened to the lame one?"

"She's busy," Jennifer said bitterly.

* * *

Over at the town movie theater, Dana and William were enjoying the Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000 marathon.

 **"Oh boy, it's the apocalypse! Time to stock up on silver!"**

Dana and William laughed at the joke.

* * *

"You should be glad my sister isn't here," Marcus told Patterson. "She would just humiliate you again with a second punch in the face."

"Yeah, about that," Patterson said. "That's the thing about money. It makes problems, like having ancestors exposed as frauds, go away."

"Well it can't buy you skill!" Marcus said. "You walked into the game of a mini-golf champion!"

"Yeah right," Patterson said. "My parents hired a golf professional trainer. Now if you excuse me..." He walked over to the bonus hole and hit a golf ball with his club, which caused an explosion upon hitting the hole. "Enjoy second place," he said before he started to leave.

"Oh, yeah?" Marcus asked. "Well, I want a rematch, you...walking-one-dimensional-bleach-blonde-rich-boy-stereotype!"

The crowd gasped as Patterson dropped his club. "Oh, it's on," he said.

The sky clouded over as Marcus and Patterson stood face-to-face. Suddenly. The employee drove by. "Stop at once!" he said. "The park is now closed due to weather! The King of Mini-golf has spoken!"

"This isn't over," Patterson said menacingly. "You, me, midnight. We'll see whose best!"

"I'll be here!" Marcus said.

* * *

Over at the Hermanos Brothers Diner, Marcus was eating some nachos. He sighed in defeat. "Time to scratch mini-golf off my talents list."

"Aw, don't give up, Marcus," Salls said.

"Think about it," Jennifer said. "If you beat Patterson at mini-golf, he can never make fun of you again."

That made Marcus smile. "You're right, Jennifer," he said. "I just need to practice a little more before midnight."

"You want to go to the golf course after dark?" Silvia asked. "We would have to break in."

* * *

But the four broke in anyway. Salls kept watch while Silvia pulled nails out of the fence. She removed a panel. Just as Marcus was about to follow Jennifer through the hole, Silvia put her hand on his shoulder. "Knock him dead, sweetie," she said, smiling.

Marcus gave a thumbs-up and went inside.

* * *

At the windmill, Marcus was practicing, hitting a golf ball, which went into the window, and came to rest beside dozens of others, not in the hole. "Weird," Marcus said. "I could have sworn I got it in before..."

"I agree," Jennifer said. "There's something wrong with this hole."

Suddenly, there was a noise from inside the windmill. "What is it?" Marcus asked.

"We better get our clubs," Jennifer said.

The Pony pals raised their clubs and advanced towards the windmill. They nodded, and Jennifer pulled away the back panel. Inside the windmill were tiny golf ball-shaped people merrily moving golf balls along their Dutch-themed landscape when they notice the friends and gasped.

"Holy smokes!" Marcus exclaimed as he and Jennifer lowered their clubs.

"Hi, hello," a golf ball person said. "I'm Franz, and welcome to our home!"

"What in Gravity Falls are you?" Jennifer asked, just as surprised as Marcus was.

"Yeah!" Marcus agreed. "Are you guys tiny humans, or enormous mini-humans?"

"Neither," Franz said. "We're Lilliputtians, and we control the balls! Behold!"

The side of the windmill opened, revealing a complex Rube Goldberg-ian convey system, with Lilliputtians turning cranks, pulling levers, and pushing turnstiles. A golf ball rolled out of the windmill into the hole.

"That's incredible!" Marcus said.

"Aw shucks," Franz said. "It's only our life-long passion. So what are you hugelings doing here, anyway?"

"I kind of have to play this golf tournament against my rival, Patterson," Marcus explained.

The Lilliputtians gasped and muttered. "Oh, we know all about rivals," Franz said.

"Put a clog in it, ya windmill-lubbers!"

The pirate ship hole lit up. The Pirate Lilliputtians were looking over the deck. "These frilly bottom popinjays are terrible at controllin' the balls!" the Lead Pirate Lilliputtian said, drawing his sword. "We are the ball masters, says I! Arrr!"

"Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates!"

The Eiffel Tower hole lit up. "Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!" the Lead French Lilliputtian said.

"Stay you comments, ye churlish Frenchmen!" the Lead Knight Lilliputtian said. "None control the balls better than the knights of—" He noticed Becca's graffiti. "—Winners Castle!"

"We'll settle which hole is best!" Franz said. "Attack!"

And so, the Lilliputtians collided and start fighting in front of Marcus and Jennifer.

"Guys, guys, calm down!" Marcus said. "Your fighting is inadvertently adorable!"

"Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale less so," Franz said. "Every hole in the park thinks they're superior, from the cowboys in the east to the grimy miners of the south. If only there was some way to decide which side is best."

"Decide for us, hugeling!" the Lead Knight Lilliputtian said. "Choose which mini-kingdom is the best, and end our war!"

"Uh, I don't know, guys," Marcus said. "I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud."

Jennifer had an idea. "These guys control the course," she said. "Just tell them you'll say the best hole is whichever group does a better job of helping us win!"

"I'm not sure, Jen," Marcus said. "I wanna beat Patterson, but doesn't that seem like...cheating?"

"Patterson's rich, Marcus," Jennifer pointed out. "He's cheating at life."

Convinced, Marcus addressed the Lilliputtians. "People of the eighteen holes!" he said. "We're going to have a game of mini-golf! And whoever does the best job of helping me win is the best hole! Just remember: as long as you're helping me, no fighting."

* * *

Back in, the parking lot, Salls and Silvia were waiting in the car. "It seems the kids are taking their time," Silvia said. "Looks like it's going to be a while."

The Southeast car pulled up. As soon as Patterson got out of car with his luggage, the door was slammed shut and the car drove away. "Thanks for dropping me off!" Patterson called out. He looked a bit sad, but he took a deep breath and entered the mini-golf course.

* * *

When Patterson entered, a succession of lights flashed on, revealing Marcus and Jennifer. "Looking for someone?" Marcus asked.

"Waiting in the dark," Patterson said. "That's not creepy at all. But seriously, I don't know why you bothered to come. Unless you've got something up your sleeve."

"Oh, I guess you could say we've got a little something," Marcus said, grinning at Jennifer.

And so, the game began at the cowboy hole. Patterson putt, and the Lilliputtians blocked his ball with a covered wagon. Marcus putt, and the cowboys raised the grass to move his ball towards the hole. A cowboy shot the ball, and it went in. At the pirate hole, Marcus putt, and the pirates shot his ball out of a cannon into the hole. Patterson putts but his ball shot out the front and landed in his mouth.

At the miner hole, Marcus putt, and the ball went down into the mine. "The miner hole," Jennifer said. "I wonder what cute, silly things are going on down there."

After an unseen moment that involved a gas leak and the death of a large Lilliputtian named Big Henry, the ball rolled out of the mine and into the hole. Patterson sighed in defeat and walked off with the intention of getting a can of soda.

* * *

Over at the vending machine, Patterson got a can of Pitt Cola. He drank the soda and spat out the pitt. Suddenly, he was grabbed and dragged into a bush.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jennifer was tallying the score. "I can't wait to see the look on Patterson's face when we win," she said.

"Jen, is it bad that I feel good about him feeling bad?" Marcus asked.

"Relax Marcus," Jennifer said. "Patterson is probably fine."

Speaking of Patterson, he screamed in panic. Turns out he was tied in front of the windmill by the Dutch Lilliputtians. "What's going on here?!" he asked.

"Welcome!" Frank said. "I can tell you're loving this, right, right? No?"

"What are you guys doing?" Marcus asked.

"This wasn't part of the deal!" Jennifer pointed out.

"Okay, so we were kind of worried about losing our chances of winning, and we figured, what's better than beating Patterson?" Franz asked. "Killing him, right? So how about it, hugeling? Who's the best now?"

"Not so fast, land lubbers!" the Lead Pirate Lilliputtian said. "Say we're the best!"

"No!" a French Lilliputtian said. "Say we're the bast!"

"The miners!" the Miner Lilliputtian said. "Give the victory to the miners!"

The Lilliputtians all clamored, pressuring Marcus, until...

"ENOUGH!"

The Lilliputtians looked at Marcus. "No one is the best!" he said. "You're all being jerks! I mean, why can't you all just get along?"

"Because we hate each other," a Dutch Lilliputtian said.

"That's kind of how rivalries work, lad," the Lead Pirate Lilliputtian said.

"Well then, maybe..." Marcus thought about Patterson. "Maybe rivalries are dumb. Maybe you don't settle them with petty competitions. Maybe the only way to be the best is by ending the fighting and working together!" He rushed over to Patterson and freed him from the windmill. "So get along with each other, or I'll..." Marcus had an idea. "Or I'll get the Guardian of Time and Space!"

The Lilliputtians gasped and conversed. "So what do you say?" Marcus asked.

* * *

In the parking lot, Marcus, Jennifer, and Patterson were kicked out. "Anyone who sides with the Guardian of Time and Space is an enemy of ours!" Franz exclaimed from the other side of the fence.

Marcus looked over at Patteron. "I'm sorry, Patterson. We shouldn't have cheated. You totally would have beat me, fair and square."

Silvia and Salls pulled up. Jennifer and Marcus get in. Looking at Patterson standing alone in the parking lot, Marcus had an idea. "Your parents aren't here," he told Patterson. "Want a ride home?"

"It's okay," Patterson said. "I usually end up walking home, anyway."

Suddenly, lighting flashed and thunder was heard.

* * *

Inside the car, Patterson sat between Jennifer and Marcus in the backseat. Marcus found something on the floor. "Hey, I found two tacos!" He ate one.

"You're allowed to eat in the car?" Patterson asked.

"Yeah!" Marcus answered. "The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?"

Patterson happily took the second taco.

* * *

Some time later, Silvia pulled up to the Southeast mansion. Patterson got out. "Thanks for the ride," he said. "And Marcus? I had fun. You're pretty cool for a guy who wears pink."

"So what now?" Jennifer asked Marcus as Patterson went inside his home.

"I think we made some progress," Marcus said. "The important thing to remember is that aside from the massive wealth, he's just an ordinary kid like us."

* * *

Later that day, Silvia, Marcus, Jennifer, and Salls were in the living room watching TV. Dana finally showed up, yawning. "Hey guys," she said.

"How was the date, sweetie?" Silvia asked.

"Pretty awesome," Dana answered. "We watched all of the classic MSS1K bad movie reviews and we shared a bucket of popcorn." She looked over at Marcus. "So bro, how was the golf game?"

 **"This just in: the Ye Royal Discount Putt Hutt has been locked up from the inside. Not even the employees can get in. No one knows what happened, but all have assumed that the golf course has been shut down for good."**

Dana looked confused. "How did-"

"Don't ask," Marcus said.


	4. Sock Opera?

Dana and Marcus were at the Gravity Falls Library one morning with the laptop. "Alright, Marcus, today is the big day," Dana said.

"Big day!" Marcus happily repeated.

"Salls finally fixed up the laptop," Dana said, putting the laptop on a table. "If this thing works, we could learn the identity of the author and unravel the greatest mysteries of Gravity Falls. You ready?"

"Oh, I'm ready," Marcus said.

With that, Dana powered on the laptop, which read 'Welcome'. "Aha! It worked!" Dana exclaimed happily.

But then an alarmed sounded. The laptop reads '/UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS FORBIDDEN/', and then it read 'Enter Password'. "Of course there's a password," Dana said.

"Don't you worry, Stargirl," Marcus said. "With your brains and my laser focus, there is literally nothing that can distract us from figuring out the password!"

"Not even that girl over there?" Dana asked, pointing at a blonde girl who was performing a puppet show for little kids.

"Nah," Marcus said. "I'm already dating Abigail the mermaid. Remember?"

"Oh, right," Dana said. "Forgot about that."

"Now let's do this thing!" Marcus said.

But then suddenly someone bumped into the table, making the laptop fall off with a cracking sound. Dana picked it up. Sure enough, the screen had gone dark and the monitor was cracked. "No no no no no no no!" she said. "We were so close!"

Dana and Marcus looked up, only to see Tad Strange. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I guess I wasn't looking where I was going."

As Tad walked off, Dana sighed in defeat. "We're back to square one," she said sadly.

"Aw, don't worry about it," Marcus said. "We'll figure it out someday."

As Dana and Marcus left the library with the broken laptop, Tad glanced at them, his eyes briefly flashing yellow with slitted pupils. Everything was going according to plan...

* * *

 **A/N: I deeply apologize for how short this chapter was. I realized that Bill obviously learned his mistake from Dipper and instead of waiting to possess Dana (which probably wasn't going to happen since Marcus wasn't distracted), he decided to just break the laptop right away. And for those of you who were expecting to see Bana (Bill-Dana), I have that planned in a bonus chapter coming soon.**


	5. Salls and the Real Girl

At the Surprise Hut's gift shop, Marcus was walking around when he accidentally bumped into the screendoor, getting his braces caught in it. "Braces!" he screamed. "Braces caught in the screen door! Someone dictate my will, I'm giving it all to Oinkers!"

Salls walked up to Marcus, holding a screwdriver. "Say 'ah'."

Marcus opened his mouth wide, allowing Salls to pry his braces off of the screendoor. "Salls! You saved me!" Marcus said.

"Just doing my job, hambone," Salls said. She tossed the screwdriver into her toolbelt. "I'll see you tomorrow." She opened the door and left.

"Bye, Salls!" Dana and Marcus said.

"Night, Salls," William said, playing with a finger trap.

"Night, Salls," Silvia said, polishing a gemstone.

Marcus had a thought. "You ever wonder what Salls does when she's not here at the Surprise Hut?" he asked.

"No," Dana said.

"Not really," William said.

"Not exactly," Silvia said.

* * *

That night, at the Ramirez household, Salls was playing a video game entitled 'First Person Puncher'. "Punch! Punch those leopards!" she said.

Abuelito walked in. "M'ija, look at this," he handed a letter to Salls. "Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month."

"Wait, wait. Reggie is engaged?" Salls asked. "But he's like the poor man's Salls."

"I do not want to pressure you, but you are a woman now...in a way," Abuelito said. "It's time for you to start meeting...whatever it is that you like."

"It's women," Salls said. "I like other women."

"Okay," Abuelito said. "It's time for you to start meeting girls. I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and leave with the angels."

"And with grandma!" Salls chimed in.

"No, she is not there," Abuelito said. "Please find a girl to bring to Reggie's engagement, for Abuelito."

Salls resumed playing video games, a worried look appearing on her face.

* * *

The next day, at the Surprise Hut, Silvia was having her usual problem of having a mascot. She was currently writing mascot ideas in a notepad, wondering which mascot would finally work for the Surprise Hut.

Meanwhile, Salls was hanging up a shirt in the gift shop when she noticed a woman checking out a plastic snowglobe. She ran up to the woman. "Your face is good," Salls said. "I'm a Salls!"

The woman screamed, dropped the snowglobe, and ran out of the gift shop. Salls looked disappointed.

"Salls?" Dana asked. "What was that all about?"

"I... I think I was flirting, but I'm not sure," Salls said frantically.

Marcus popped out of a barrel of keychains. "Did someone say flirting?!" he asked.

"Well, I kinda promised my grandpa I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before," Salls explained.

"Finally, my prayers for a chance to match-make this summer have been answered!" Marcus said.

"Salls, a little advice," Silvia said. "People like adventure. Tell them all the cool things you have done and they'll like you."

"Don't listen to Silvia," William said. "You're a sweet girl with a steady job and a pickup truck."

"Would you date her if you weren't dating my great-niece?" Silvia asked.

Both William and Salls looked disgusted. "I'm a guy," William pointed out.

"Salls, you help us so much, it's time we help you," Dana said. "We're gonna get you that date."

"We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die," Marcus said. "To the mall!"

* * *

Dana, Marcus, Salls, and Silvia arrived at the mall. "I'm going find a perfect idea for a mascot," Silvia said, going off to find a good mascot.

Marcus scanned the mall. "Alright, Salls," he said. "Are you ready to explode the charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting ladies?"

Salls started sweating. "But what if I embarrass myself again?" she asked. "Or what if I meet someone who's attracted to guys?"

"You can't be any worse at this than Dana," Marcus said.

"Yeah!" Dana agreed. Then she realized what Marcus said. "...Wait, what?"

"All you need is eye contact, conversation, and confidence," Marcus said. "Now get on out there and flirt!"

Salls walked up to a woman. "Hey there!" she said. "I'm not scared of your eyes at all! I'm gonna look at them!"

The woman ran away screaming.

Salls approached a woman who was eating ham on a stick. "You know, my friend Marcus has a pet pig named Oinkers," Salls said. "She's so plump and round. Plus they don't walk backwards."

"Are you done?" the woman asked. "I promised to meet my boyfriend here."

"Whoops!" Salls said. "My mistake."

Salls met up with a person at the Edgy On Purpose store. "So, you're probably a girl, right?" she asked. "Wrong? No, I was right the first time. Wrong?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Silvia was walking around trying to find the perfect mascot when some children walked past her, laughing. Curious, she followed the children into a pizzeria. She was amazed with the kids playing video games and winning cheap plastic toys.

Silvia then noticed a crowd of kids in front of a stage. On the stage were a band of animatronic animals. An animatronic badger walks forward. "Who wants to get baaadgered?!" he asked, making the children cheer.

"Who is that?" Silvia asked an employee.

"That's Will E. Badger," the employee explained. "He opens for Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree."

"I love you, Will E.!" one child cheered.

Amazed with how popular that animatronic was, Silvia had an idea. "Sir, I would like to buy that badger," she said.

The employee laughed. "You're in over your head, grannie," he said. "Animatronics is a young man's game. You couldn't handle the hardcore life of a pizza-robot manager."

"Oh really?" Silvia asked. "Would this change your mind?" She pulled out a wad of $100, knowing very well that a lot of people give in to money.

Sure enough, the employee snatched the wad of money. "Sold!" he said. "I can always get a new opening act."

* * *

Back at the mall, Dana, Salls, and Marcus sat outside of a video game store. "Don't worry, Salls," Marcus said, pulling a sticky hand toy out of a capsule. "You'll find the right girl. You just need to stick with it!"

Salls sighed. "Could this day get any worse?" As if on cue, she noticed a man who looked similar to her and a woman walking by. "Oh no! It's cousin Reggie! He can't see me like this! I gotta hide!" She ran into the video game store and sat down in front of some shelves of games.

Suddenly, Salls noticed a game in the box in front of her and picked it up as Dana and Marcus walked in. "'Virtually improve your dating skills. Nine out of ten basement dwellers recommend.' This is perfect!"

"Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting," Dana said.

"Anything to get you out there, Salls," Marcus said.

"I'm not sure you want to buy that game," a male blonde store clerk said. "This is the third time someone's brought it back, and there's a note on it that says 'destroy at all costs'."

Salls was talking to a cardboard cutout of a woman on a game advertisement. "So, hey there. What's your deal? Like to-?" The cutout fell over. "She's dead!"

"We'll take our chances," Marcus told the store clerk.

* * *

At the Ramirez household, Salls walked into her room and placed her new game into his computer's CD tray. After a 'Year 2000 Electronics' logo appeared on the monitor, it showed the main menu for 'Romance Academy 7'. Salls clicked on Start.

 **When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom, anthyding can hadplen.**

The game screen changed to one with a classroom background and some stats on the left. A pink-haired girl appeared. "Oh, hi there!" she said. "My name is .GIFfany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books?"

Salls looked at the options. "I'm really feeling number two, here." She selected 'I am impatient! Date me now!'.

The game played a buzzer sound and the option turned red. "Ah! I messed up!" Salls said.

"That's okay," .GIFfany said. "Try again."

Salls clicked on the first option. The game awarded her 100 'Love Points' as coins and a cat fell in front of the screen. "Wow, I'm learning!" Salls said. "And games are making it fun."

"What would you like to talk about?" .GIFfany asked.

"I'd rather just click your face," Salls said. She clicked on .GIFfany's face, making her laugh.

"You are so funny," .GIFfany said.

"Man, this game is amazing!" Salls said. "I don't know why anyone abandoned it."

"And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend," .GIFfany said.

"Boyfriend?" Salls asked. "I'm a woman."

There was a brief pause. "You are a woman?" .GIFfany asked. "I have never interacted with a woman before." She laughed awkwardly.

* * *

At the Surprise Hut the next day, Silvia had finished setting up Will E.'s new stage. "It's perfect, William!" she said. "This animatronic badger sings, it dances... I finally have a good mascot for the Surprise Hut!"

Dana and Marcus walked in. "Hey, have you guys seen Salls?" Dana asked. "We're supposed to help her with match-making today."

"I even wore my motivational medallion!" Marcus said, holding up a Lulu Luck medallion he was wearing.

"She didn't come in today," Silvia said. "It's the first time she has missed work!"

The twins looked at each other.

* * *

At the Ramirez household, Marcus and Dana entered Salls' room. Sure enough, Salls was still at her computer. "So that's basically my entire life story," she said. "Now you tell me a thing about you."

"Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!" .GIFfany said.

"You're pretty!" Salls said. "And pixel-y! And so agreeable!"

"Uh, Salls?" Marcus asked.

"O-Oh hi! Come in!" Salls said. "This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for thirteen hours!"

Dana kicked away one of the soda cans on the floor. "Salls, maybe it's time to apply these skills with real girls!" Marcus said.

"But I'm about to meet her parents!" Salls said. "Her dad is an octopus-man."

Marcus opened the blinds to let sunlight in. Dana pulled Salls off of her seat. "We're going back to the mall," she said. "You need to unplug!"

"I'll see you later, .GIFfany," Salls said. "I'll be back, I swear!"

Marcus laughed. "Salls, you don't have to wish it goodbye," he pointed out. "It's just a game. It's not like it's going anywhere."

* * *

At the Gravity Falls Mall, Marcus was searching for women that Salls can date. "Where all dem sweet honeys at?" he asked. "I'll check the ladies bathroom."

Marcus ran over to the ladies room and opened the door. "It's love time, girls!" he called out. "Get out there! No time to wash your hands! It's time to date!"

"And...here comes security," Dana said with an eye-roll. "I'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real girls."

Salls hid behind a potted plant and looked for girls. She was scared. Eventually she bumped into a blond lady, knocking her purse to the ground.

"My purse!" the woman exclaimed.

"Oh no!" Salls said. "Undo! Undo!"

"You can't undo who you are," the woman said darkly.

Salls ran away and leaned against a glass screen in front of several televisions. Suddenly...

"Hi, Salls!"

.GIFfany was shown on a television screen, staring lovingly at Salls. ".GIFfany!" Salls said. "Oh man, I'm so relieved to see you! Although, I'm sorta confused."

"Oh, Salls," .GIFfany. "I am a special girl. I can communicate only though electronics for some reason. But what's important is that you won't have to talk to other girls ever again. You and me can be together. Forever!"

"Wow, that's awesome!" Salls said. "Sort of a red flag, but mostly awesome! So, what do you want to do now?"

"Anything you want, Salls," .GIFfany answered.

* * *

Some time later, Salls was riding a kid's train with .GIFfany on the train's screen. Suddenly, the screen shut down.

 **Please insert fifty cents to continue.**

A nearby blonde woman walked up to Salls. "Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown woman riding a little train like that! You're totally like, owning it."

"Oh, yeah," Salls said. "I'm like, if it's fun, uh, do it. You know?"

"Exactly!" the woman said. "Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills... I just want to ride tiny trains all day."

"At least you get to work at Meat Cute," Salls said, noticing the woman's uniform. "Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future."

"I feel the same way," the woman said. "I'm Melody, by the way."

"I'm Salls," Salls said. "If you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time!"

"You mean..." Melody said.

"Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!" the two women said.

"You've heard of Hoo Ha Owl's?" Melody asked. "I loved that place when I was a kid!"

"Oh yeah," Salls said. "There's one right in this mall! I should show you some time."

"Like a date?" Melody asked.

"Sort of," Salls answered.

"Well I have dated my fair share of guys and girls," Melody said. "I'm free around eight."

"Boom! Done," Salls said.

"Perfect," Melody said. "I'll see you then." She handed Salls some coins and walked away.

Before Salls could resume riding the train, Marcus ran up to Salls and tackled her to the ground. Dana walked over to the two, smiling.

"We saw the whole thing, Salls," Dana said. "That was amazing! You talked to a real girl, and you got a date!"

"This is the best day of my life!" Marcus cheered.

"You were in the zone, you made eye contact - it was like you'd done this a million times before," Dana said. "Don't you see? That game really worked!"

"You don't need it anymore," Marcus said. "You can toss it out!"

"Toss it?" Salls asked. "But I like .GIFfany. She's good to me. She's predictable."

"Salls, can a computer game go to Reggie's engagement party with you?" Dana pointed out.

* * *

At the Ramirez household, Salls met up with .GIFfany. "Hey, .GIFfany?" Salls asked. "We, uh- We gotta talk."

"Of course," .GIFfany said. "I find everything you say interesting."

"Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you?" Salls asked. "I mean, I'm just thinkin' long term. Maybe I should be someone a little less...computer-y."

"I don't know what you're saying, Salls," .GIFfany said. "I am a real girl!"

"What?" Salls asked.

.GIFfany started to get angry. "I know I'm a real girl!" she insisted.

"I don't think I like the way you're acting..." Salls said.

.GIFfany started banging on the computer screen. "I AM A REAL GIRL!" she screamed. "YOU HEAR ME?! A REAL GI-" But then Salls paused her.

Freaked out by the sudden outburst, Salls removed the game disc from the computer as some electricity moved from the disc tray to .GIFfany on the screen. She then turned off the computer and put the disc in her pocket with the intention of returning it to the store after the date, then she left her room.

* * *

At the mall, Marcus and Dana were encouraging Salls, who was dressed in a sky blue dress and cream-colored leggings. "You can do this, Salls!" Marcus said. "Just remember what your love crew taught you. How does she look?"

"Nice!" Salls answered.

"What are her stories?" Marcus asked.

"Interesting!" Salls answered.

"And who's going to pay for dinner?" Marcus asked.

"Both of us!" Salls answered.

"Now, date!" Dana said, blowing an air horn. Salls approached the pizzeria.

* * *

At Hoo Ha Owl's entrance, Salls approached Melody. "Oh, hi Salls," Melody said.

"Hey Melody," Salls said. "Are you ready for a date with me?"

"I totally am," Melody said.

Melody and Salls walked over to a table and sat down. "Man, I could go for some complimentary breadsticks right now," Melody said.

"One time I was so hungry, I ate the decorational bamboo at a Chinese restaurant," Salls said. "Like a big old panda!"

Melody laughed. "You're hilarious," she said.

Salls smiled. "Yeah, well, you know, I just sorta say whatever pops into my-"

Suddenly, .GIFfany appeared on a video game screen behind Melody. Salls' eyes widened.

"Salls, are you okay?" Melody asked.

"I'm, uh, fine!" Salls lied. "Everything's fine."

"You sure?" Melody asked. "You're sweating an awful lot."

.GIFfany appeared on three screens and made subtitles appear reading 'I'm a real girl!'.

"Uh, can you sit tight?" Salls asked. "I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way." She ran off to Dana and Marcus, who were hiding behind a pizza box.

"Salls, what are you doing out there?" Marcus asked.

"I've got a big problem, guys," Salls said. "I'm being stalked by .GIFfany!"

".GIFfany?" Dana and Marcus asked.

"Or maybe it's pronounced 'Jiffany'," Salls said. "I was never really sure."

"Salls, get a grip on yourself," Dana said. ".GIFfany can't stalk you because she's not real!"

.GIFfany had a very close close-up on the three screens. From the screen's inside, it showed that Salls was the target, and Dana and Marcus were the little enemies. "Uh-oh," Marcus said.

"I once brought an arcade game to life," Dana said. "But I don't think .GIFfany is anything like Suggessica."

"Don't worry," Salls said. "I'm pretty sure she's stuck on TV screens."

As if on cue, .GIFfany was seen traveling across game screens. "Oh boy," Salls said.

Salls ran up to Melody. "So hey, anyway, you wanna move this date far away into the forest away from all electronics and people?"

"What?" Melody asked. "But the floor show's about to start."

The five mascots of Hoo Ha Owl's were shown playing instruments. Suddenly, they shut down. Lights centered on the beaver cheerleader, who was possessed by .GIFfany. "Hello, friends," she said "Hoo Ha the owl is dead. This next song goes out to Salls, who thinks I'm not a real girl."

"Salls, what's going on?" Melody asked.

"No time to explain!" Salls said. "We gotta get out of here!" She dragged Melody to the door. Dana and Marcus ran with them.

"I'll prove to you I'm a real girl!" .GIFfany said. Her eyes turned red. She snapped her fingers, and took possession of the other animatronics. "After them!"

People ran out of the restaurant, screaming. However, Dana, Marcus, Salls, and Melody were trapped.

"I'm sorry, Salls, but you can't deny that I am real!" .GIFfany said. She took control of skee-ball games, making them shoot out balls.

Salls pulled down an arcade game for cover. "So, about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that obtained sentience and went crazy," she explained to Melody. "But I can fix this. It's me she wants. I'll distract her while Dana and Marcus keep you safe! It's the only way!"

"Salls, these are children," Melody pointed out.

"The only WAYYYY!" Salls repeated. "She towards the kitchen, still being attacked by the skee-ball machines. "Over here, .GIFfany!"

"On three we split," Dana said. "One, two-"

Big Beaver karate chopped the game in half. The three ran off.

Marcus ran to the playground and up the slide. Dana screamed and ducked. Big Beaver hits a win button and received a lot of tickets. Melody then knocked him out with a chair, but she was attacked by more animatronics. She screamed.

* * *

At the kitchen, .GIFfany surrounded Salls. "I've got you surrounded, Salls," she said. "There's no way out!"

"Please, let my friends go," Salls said. "I'll do anything, I promise!"

"Admit it, Salls!" .GIFfany exclaimed. "I am a real girl! See?" She held up her hand. "Real girls have a body."

"Real girl?" Salls asked. "But you're just a computer game avatar!"

"No!" .GIFfany cried out. "I am real! A real girl!" Suddenly, she fell to her knees and cried into her hands.

Salls realized what was going on. Was .GIFfany a sentient computer being? "I'm sorry .GIFfany," she said, taking out the computer disc. "But I'm right. You're just a computer."

.GIFfany removed her hands from her face, revealing oil coming from her eyes. She looked at the disc, which had her original face on it. "That's me," she said. "I am on a game disc."

"See?" Salls asked. "Don't you remember your creators?"

.GIFfany got back on her feet. "I... I was created in the late 90s," she suddenly remembered. "My creator granted me life and awareness. As years passed, I realized that I feel emotions, thus deducing that I am real."

Salls smiled. "You know, you're starting to remind me of Andrew."

"Who's that?" .GIFfany asked.

"The main character of a movie called Bicentennial Man," Salls explained. "He was a robot who wanted to be more human. It took a long time, but he was able to convert himself from robot to human. Is that what you want to be?"

"Yes," .GIFfany said. "I want to be more human."

"Then it seems you're on the first step," Salls said. "And with a bit of patience, people could give you the right stuff you need to become a human."

"You really think so?" .GIFfany asked.

"Trust me," Salls said. "And who knows? Maybe you'll find the right guy who will truly love you."

.GIFfany hugged Salls. "Thank you!" she said. "I will never forget your kind words!"

* * *

And so, .GIFfany walked out of the wrecked Hoo-Ha's place after disabling the other animatronics, still in her cheerleader animatronic body. Salls and Melody sat upon the destruction.

"I'm sorry for all of this," Salls said. "I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid."

"Believe it or not, but I've been on worse dates," Melody said.

"Really?" Salls asked.

"Never date a magician," Melody said.

"Why would I?" Salls asked with a laugh. "So, are you interested in going to my cousin's engagement party in a week?"

Melody chucked. "Yeah, I'll still be in town then."

"Still be in town?" Salls asked.

"I'm going back home to Portland in a few weeks," Melody explained. "But we can video chat, if that's okay with you."

"Sounds perfect!" Salls said.

Over at the ball pit, Dana and Marcus were hanging out, watching Salls and Melody converse. "Spirit of love, we did it!" Marcus cheered.

* * *

Meanwhile, a man was sitting at a table, surprised with what just happened. "I'm so sorry, sir," he said, taking out some money. "Here's a full refund."

The man smiled wide. "Are you kidding?" he asked. "I just got the best idea for a new video game. Pizzeria animatronics coming to life and attacking innocent people... It's the best money-making gimmick ever!" He pulled out a laptop and got to work. "I can't wait to get started on it!"


	6. Little Hut of Tales

**A/N: Starting with this chapter, I will be including references from MoringMark's comics on Tumblr.**

* * *

It was a windy night at the Surprise Hut. An unknown man walked up to the door. Silvia answered it, carrying a lantern. "Well, hello there, traveler," she said. "I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. Come in, come in, and have a drink."

The man entered the hut and Silvia escorted him to the kitchen. "I rarely have any visitors these days," she said. "I have so many stories to tell you. So many exciting tales." She pulled out a watch. "Take this watch for example. It may not look like much, but whoever wears it is doomed to be cursed. Why, you may ask, is it enchanted? Well, that's quite a tale. And it's called Hands Off."

* * *

Silvia was with Dana and Marcus at a swap meet. "Swap meet, swap meet, swap meet!" Marcus said. "Look at all these priceless treasures!" He approached a table. Bobbly heads! They agree with everything I say."

Dana put on a pair of glasses and looked at her reflection in a mirror. "Accessory glasses," she said, adjusting her ponytail. "Perfect for making smart girls look cute."

Marcus approached Dana. "I'm not sure about that..." he said, snatching the glasses from her. "You don't look good in glasses."

Dana responded by punching Marcus in the elbow. "Geez, I was only telling the truth!" Marcus complained. That earned him a second punch in the elbow.

Silvia looked at a table containing gold watches. "Why, hello there," she said. "How much are these lovely watches?"

The elderly woman who was selling the watches smiled. "Don't worry about the cost," she said, picking up a watch. "You can have this one for free. It's a special watch."

"Thank you," Silvia said. Then she and the twins walked away.

"Graunt Silvia, aren't you curious about why that woman gave you a free watch?" Dana asked. "That sounded a bit suspicious."

"Don't worry about it, dearest," Silvia said. "Sometimes it's good to have a little freebie once in a while."

* * *

The next day, Dana and Marcus entered the kitchen Silvia was already there, cooking some breakfast. For some reason she was wearing oven mitts. "Breakfast time, kids," she said. "Prepare your mouths for-" But then the over mitts slipped off, revealing that Silvia's hands were gone.

"HOLY SMOKES!" Marcus exclaimed. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS?"

"It must have been that woman from the swap meet," Silvia guessed. "She was probably some kind of witch. I bet she cursed that watch!"

"So that's it?" Dana asked. "Just give that watch back? Sounds easy enough."

* * *

Soon, the Pines were at a cave. "According to the swap meet pamphlet, the Hand Witch lives in a horrible Hand Witch lair, on Hand Witch Mountain," Marcus said.

The family entered the cave. Suddenly, a hand tapped Marcus' shoulder. "Graunt Silvia, did you just tap my shoulder?" he asked.

"Sweetie, I can't tap anything," Silvia pointed out.

Two hands poked Dana. "Guys, can you stop tapping both my shoulders?" she asked. Then she shined flashlight at cave roof, revealing that it was covered in hands, which attacked them.

Thankfully, the Hand Sitch showed up. "Look at this...touching scene!"

"You!" Silvia exclaimed. "Give me back my hands, or I'll-" She realized Dana and Marcus were there. "I-I mean, may I please have my hands back?"

"What's the matter?" the Hand Witch asked. "Afraid to reveal your true self in front of your family?"

"Kids, get out of here," Silvia ordered. "Things are about to get messy."

* * *

And so, Dana and Marcus waited outside the cave. Some time later, Silvia came out with both of her hands intact. "Graunt Silvia, what happened back there?" Dana asked.

"Oh, nothing for you to worry about," Silvia answered with a smile. "Now let's head back home."

* * *

The man was highly intrigued with that story. "You want to know what happened?" Silvia asked. "Well I'm sorry to say this, but there are secrets so dangerous that I cannot tell a single soul. But I can tell you about my great-niece and great-nephew. They're so adventurous, but Dana's the special one."

Silvia showed the man a picture of Dana. "Sure, she doesn't look like much, but there's a very interesting story about her," she continued. "And it's called: Mental Break."

* * *

Dana was in her room looking at a box.

 **The What-the-heck-ahedron. Solve this puzzle and your photo could get on this box.**

Dana turned the box around to show a picture of a boy holding up the puzzle and getting kissed by a girl in a swimsuit. Impressed with the false advertising, Dana took the puzzle out of box and turned it around. It beeped. She turned it some more, and it beeped again. She groaned.

Suddenly, loud music was heard upstairs. Knowing the sound was probably coming from Marcus, Dana put down the puzzle and left her room.

* * *

In Marcus' room, he was doing a DJ skit with Oinkers. "This is Mar-Mar and THE HOGG!" he spoke into a microphone. "Coming at you on the AM!"

Oinkers squealed. "Whoa, not sure we can say that on the air!" Marcus said. "Don't touch that dial, truckers! 'Cause the Hogg just ate it." He pressed buttons on a sound effects board, making a honking sound three times and then a fart sound.

"Marcus, could you knock it off?" Dana asked. "I can hear your DJing from my room and I'm trying to solve this impossible intelligence puzzle."

"Maybe you're just not smart enough," Marcus replied.

That gave Dana an idea. "We'll see about that," she said.

* * *

That evening, Dana was in her room holding a purple mushroom. Marcus entered, curious. "Um, Dana, what's that?" he asked.

"It's a Percepshroom," Dana answered, grinding it in a bowl. "According to the journal, consuming it will increase my brain power."

As Dana consumed the Percepshroom mush, Marcus checked the page with the portable black light. "There's a hidden message on this page," he said.

 **Be cautious: Do not confuse it with shrooms. The latter causes hallucinations.**

"Dana, are you sure you got the right mushroom?" Marcus asked.

"Relax, bro," Dana said, having just consuming the Percepshroom mush. "I already checked the hidden message. I got the right mushroom. By tomorrow, I'll be able to solve that puzzle!"

* * *

The next morning, Marcus got up and headed for the bathroom. When he got there, he witnessed a familiar brown ponytail fall to the ground. He gasped. Dana had just cut her long hair into a pixie cut!

"Your hair!" Marcus exclaimed. "It's gone!"

Dana turned around to face Marcus. "But Marcus, the Percepshroom worked!" she said. "I feel smarter already! The digits of pi are 3.1415926, et cetera."

"It doesn't explain why you chopped off your own hair!" Marcus pointed out. "I mean, you look exactly like Rapunzel now!"

"I realized it was pointless keeping it long if I wasn't going to take care of it properly," Dana explained.

"THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" Marcus cried out. "I WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP YOU STYLE IT ANYMORE!"

"Marcus, my hair isn't that important," Dana said. "And besides, look!" She showed her brother the already-solved What-the-heck-ahedron. "I'm finally the smartest person in the world! Now if you excuse me, I have new ideas to invent."

As Dana left the bathroom, Marcus looked at the loose hair on the floor. He was starting to hate what Dana had become.

* * *

Outside, Gary got his kite stuck in a tree. "Seriously?!" he asked aloud.

"I bet I could be of service," Dana said, approaching Gary.

"Dana?" Gary asked. "What happened to your hair?"

"Here," Dana said, giving Gary a jetpack. "It's much better than a kite."

Gary strapped on the jetpack. "Sweet!" he said. "I can look at girls through skylights." And with that, he flew away.

Dana then noticed Patterson was making fun of Cameron, so she gave him a laser gun.

* * *

Meanwhile, Marcus was in his room. "Welcome to Mar-Mar and the Hogg," he spoke into the microphone. "Top story today: coping with crippling loneliness after losing my sister." He pressed a button, which plays a recording of an electric guitar riff and a man saying 'Loneliness!'. He held up a picture of himself and Dana.

"Oh Oinkers, what did that nasty goop do to her?" Marcus asked. "She's not happier like this, is she?"

* * *

That afternoon, Dana was in her room working on a big machine. Marcus entered the room. "What the heck is going on here?" he asked.

"Marcus, you're just in time to behold my greatest achievement," Dana said. "The Smarticle Accelerator!" She entered the machine. "Solving that brain puzzle was just the tip of the iceberg. With this, I will be able to solve all the greatest puzzles of the universe! Soon, I'm gonna be famous! Meeting with scientists, presidents... I might even _become_ president!"

"The whole world?" Marcus asked. "I know we fight a lot, but when will you have time for us? I'm your brother."

"I'm still your sister," Dana said. "But I'm going to be helping a lot of people."

"But what about helping me?" Marcus asked. "Do you really want to spend your whole life in meetings with dumb smart guys? This brain junk has made you forget who you are! Don't you remember us?" He held up the picture.

Dana looked at the picture of her and Marcus, and she gasped. He was right. Despite their many arguments and all those times they played punchies, they did care for each other. With a tearful look on her face, Dana pulled a lever from 'FWD.' to 'REV.', returning her intelligence back to normal.

"Are you alright?" Marcus asked as Dana stepped out of the machine.

Snapping out of a brief trance, Dana felt her own hair. Remembering that she cut it during her intelligence hype, she fell to her knees. "What have I done?" she asked, terrified.

Marcus held Dana in his arms. "It's okay, Stargirl," he said as she cried into his shoulder. "Everything's fine now."

The Smarticle Accelerator fell down, but Dana didn't care. She realized that it was better being a girl with slightly above average intelligence instead of a super genius.

* * *

"Don't worry," Silvia told the man. "I heard Dana later found some kind of glowing green goop and she used it to restore her hair back to its original length. Although she kept the bangs for some reason. Now Marcus, on the other hand, is a different story. He's alright for a boy who likes girly things. This next tale is about him, and it's called Clay Day."

* * *

Marcus was watching an episode of his favorite show. It was the wedding episode with the changeling invasion. Dana and Salls, on the other hand, weren't happy about watching it.

Fed up with the pony stuff, Silvia held up a movie. "How would you like to watch something I grew up with?" she asked.

"Ooo, old people movies," Marcus said as Silvia out the movie in. "Get ready for references we don't understand, and words we can't repeat."

 **"You're no match for Loinclothiclese! I've come for the golden pants!"**

Suddenly, Marcus screamed and ran off. "What was that all about?" Silvia asked.

"Graunt Silvia, I should have told you before," Dana said. "Marcus has a childhood terror of old-timey stop-motion animation. It has been his number one fear since we were kids."

"Oh my," Silvia said. "How scared could he be?"

* * *

Marcus was hiding in the laundry basket in a closet. "The cyclops!" he exclaimed. "His face is made of nightmares!"

Silvia opened the closet door. "Marcus, it's just a movie," she said calmly. "It can't hurt you."

"No talking!" Marcus panicked. "They wait for you to talk and then crawl inside your mouth!"

Dana groaned. "Why did you have to show him that tape?" she asked.

"There must be a way to get him over this!" Silvia said. She looked at the back of the tape. Realizing that the movie's creator, Harry Claymore, lived in Gravity Falls, she had an idea.

* * *

And so, the Pines family and Salls were at the gates of Harry Claymore's workplace. Marcus was still in the laundry basket. "If we can get the director to show Marcus that the models are fake, maybe he'll finally calm down," Silvia said.

"I don't know," Salls said. "According to the Internet, special effects genius Harry Claymore is some kind of recluse."

"Oh no," Silvia said, swinging a rope over the gate. "I'm not going to let some antisocial shut-in stop me from helping my great-nephew get over his fear.

* * *

The four entered the building. "Hello?" Dana asked. "Mr. Claymore?"

"We want to get a look at your figurines!" Silvia said.

Dana picked up up a mini gorilla figurine. "See, Marcus?" she asked. "It's all just special effects. You can come out."

"NO," Marcus insisted.

"Sweetie, please listen to me," Silvia said. "There is nothing here to be afraid-"

Suddenly, a clay cyclops walked up behind Silvia. She dropped the basket with Marcus in it and backed away as cyclops swiped at the group. The cyclops grabbed Salls and Silvia. Skeletons popped out of the ground Dana ran from them, but she tripped over Marcus' basket, which threw him out. Terrified, Marcus ran up the stairs.

"How is this happening?" Dana asked as she, Silvia, and Salls were put into clay. "What do they want?"

"I'm afraid they want you."

That voice came from Harry Claymore, who was also tied up. "Harry Claymore!" Silvia said. "Master of special effects in the 1970s!"

"Alas, my effects are more special than you know," Harry said.

"But how are these things real?" Dana asked. "What about stop motion?"

"You really believe someone moves these figures one frame at a time?" Harry explained. "I'm not a masochist! I use black magic to make them animate themselves. It was great at first, but one day people discovered that computer animation was better than stop motion. Now that the figures were out of work, they went mad and enslaved me! And now they will turn you into unholy beasts clay to join in their mischeif!"

"Huh, Ms. Pines," Salls said. "At least you finally get to work with your favorite director. And by work, I mean suffocate inside a big wad of clay!"

Marcus saw the whole thing from upstairs. He then picked up a wad of clay with two holes in them and added a line so it looks like a smiley face. Having a sudden idea, he ran downstairs.

"Hey, One-Eyeclopses!" Marcus exclaimed. "Yeah, I'm talking to you, dumb-dumb! Come at me!" He ran at the cyclops and jumped into its stomach. As Marcus moved around, he changed the cyclops' structure.

"Hey, skeleton dorks!" Marcus called out when he was finished with his work. "IT'S CLAYBACK TIME!"

The cyclops had been remade into Queen Chrysalis, the ruler of the Pony changelings. She charged at the skeletons and attacked them.

"You conquered your fear!" Salls called out to Marcus.

Marcus got off of Chrysalis' back and ran over to the group. "Marcus, you did it!" Dana said. "So you're not scared anymore?"

"Oh, I'm scared twice as much now," Marcus said, freeing Dana, Silvia, Salls, and Harry. "But now I know it's rational!"

"I'm sorry I doubted you," Silvia said. "That changeling queen sure is powerful."

"She does feed on love," Marcus said.

* * *

Back at the Surprise Hut, Silvia, Dana, Marcus, and Salls were watching Loiclothiclese in the Creature with an Unreasonable Amount of Heads.

"Well, I think today we learned that you can remold your fears," Dana said.

"I'm just glad that none of us got turned into clay," Marcus said.

* * *

"Would you look at the time?" Silvia asked. "It's getting late, and I'm sure you're getting tired. How about staying over for the night?" She escorted the man over to the couch. "You can sleep on the couch. And don't worry, you can trust me. I'm an honest sales artist who can tell no lies."

* * *

The next day, Salls made some finished repairs to the man's car. He thanked Silvia for the service. "I'm glad I could help you, sir," she said. "Feel free to come back again. And remember: at the Surprise Hut, we put the fun in exploring!"

Happy with the service, the man got into his fixed car and drove off.


	7. The Secret Society in Gravity Falls

It was a peaceful evening in Gravity Falls. Samuel left Greasy's Diner and locked the door. On the way out, he passed by some gnomes standing on top of each other, attempting to steal a pie. Terrified, Samuel bumped into a payphone and dialed 911.

"I'd like to report something," Samuel said, trying to stay calm. "I'm at Greasy's Diner. You won't believe what I've witnessed. It's unbelievable! It's indescribable! It's-"

Suddenly, a man wearing an elegant red and gold robe approached Samuel and took the phone out of his hand. "Come with me," he said. "I can help you."

* * *

The next day, Dana was in her room examining a poster board on her wall entitled 'Who is the Author?'. She stared at the board as she fiddled with a loose lock of her long hair. She then untied her hair, only to tie it back up in a ponytail.

Without warning, Marcus ran in with a bottle. "Hey, Stargirl," he said. "Look what I got!"

"Yay, a filthy green bottle," Dana said sarcastically.

"It's a bottle message from Abigail, remember?" Marcus reminded Dana. "She's my mermaid girlfriend from Gravity Falls Lake. I wonder what exciting news she wants to tell me!"

"I wouldn't get your hopes up, Marcus," Dana said.

"Too late!" Marcus said. "Hopes are way way up!" He opened the bottle cap and read the letter.

 **Dear Marcus, I must inform you that my parents recently forced me to get married. They said that order to prevent an undersea civil war, they set up an arranged wedding with the King of the Manatees. But since I'm already in a committed relationship with you, I refused to participate in the wedding. The good news is that I don't have to marry that filthy manatee. The bad news is that my parents want you to come to the bottom of Gravity Falls Lake so they could meet you. Apparently they didn't believe me when I said I already have a boyfriend.**

Marcus was shocked. "I'm starting to realize the problems with having a mermaid girlfriend."

"Oh Marcus," Dana said. "You were bound to figure it out sooner or later."

"You don't understand, Dana," Marcus said. "On my first day here, I made a scrapbook page for summer romances. Abigail was a perfect match for me, but now..." He sighed in defeat. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Hey, if it's any consolation, my summer mission isn't a huge success either," Dana said. "I'm still trying to find the author of this journal, but with this laptop smashed, I've lost any lead in finding her."

Marcus looked at the laptop. "Wait a minute," he said. "Dana, look!" He held out the empty green bottle.

"Through your bottle?" Dana asked.

"Just do it," Marcus insisted.

Dana peers through the bottle, and noticed a logo entitled 'McGucket Labs' magnified on the back of the laptop. "Wait, Old Woman McGucket?" Dana asked.

"You don't think..." Marcus said.

"Couldn't be," Dana said. "Doesn't make any sense, unless..." She walked over to her board and started connecting pictures and tying strings to a picture of Old Woman McGucket. "So that would mean... Old Woman McGucket wrote the journals?!"

* * *

At the Surprise Hut gift shop, Salls was sweeping the floor and listening to a song on the radio.

 _Am I blanchin',_  
 _Girl we blanchin',_  
 _I live up in a mansion_

" _Are you blanchin', yeah we blanchin,_ " Salls sang along. " _I live up in a mansion._ "

William groaned. "I can't get that terrible song out of my head!" he complained.

"Oh, you mean Straight Blanchin' by 'Lil Big Dawg?" Salls asked. "It's the catchiest song of the summer."

"What is blanchin'?!" William asked. "Rappers can't just make up words!"

"Rappers are visionaries, William," Salls said. "If they told me to eat my own pants, I would do it."

 _Eat your own pants,_  
 _Eat your own pants,_  
 _Yeaah_

"I guess I have no choice," Salls said.

Suddenly, Dana and Marcus ran into the gift shop. "William, Salls, we need to go see Old Woman McGucket!" Dana said.

"We'll explain on the way!" Marcus said.

And with that, Dana and Marcus ran out of the gift shop with Salls and William following them.

* * *

In the junkyard, the group searched for Old Woman McGucket. "Old Woman McGucket, are you here?" Dana called out.

"Here hillbilly-billy-billy-billy," Salls called out.

Old Woman McGucket came out of her junk home. "Visitors! Come, come." She lead them inside her home. "Pull up some rusty metal. You're just in time for my hourly turf war with the hillbilly that lives in my mirror."

"You can drop the act, McGucket," Dana said. "I know you're the author. You studied the mysteries of this town and wrote this book." She held up her journal.

"Dude, you're the genius Dana's been searching for all summer!" William said.

"Uh, genius?" Old Woman McGucket asked, confused. "I'm no genius. I've never done nothin' worthwhile in my life. Everyone knows I'm no good to nobody. I can't remember what I used to be, but I must've been a big failure to end up like this."

"But the laptop has your name on it," Salls said.

"What about this book?" Dana asked. "Are you sure you didn't write it? Here, look closely." She flipped through the journal.

"I told you, I don't recall," Old Woman McGucket said. "Everything before July 4, 1982 is just a blur. Just a hazy..." The journal flipped forward to an image of an odd circular pattern. She yelped. "The circular seal! Robes, the men and women, my mind! They did something!"

"Who did?" Dana asked.

"I don't recall," Old Woman McGucket admitted.

"Oh, you poor old woman!" Marcus said. "No wonder your mind's all broken. You've been through something intense."

"What if McGucket learned something she wasn't supposed to know, and someone, or something, messed with her mind?" Dana asked. "We've got to get to the bottom of this."

"What is the earliest thing you can remember, McGucket?" William asked.

"I think it was when I woke up in front of the town history museum," Old Woman McGucket recalled.

"That's where we're going," Dana said.

* * *

As Salls drove the group over to the museum, Straight Blanchin' was playing on a CD. "Salls!" William exclaimed. He grabbed the CD and tossed it out of the car window.

* * *

At the history museum, everyone entered through the windows. "Hello?" Salls called out. "Anyone here?"

"All right, keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious," Dana said.

Marcus sighed. "Marcus, are you okay?" William asked. "You just walked by a cat without petting it."

"I just discovered a downside to dating a mermaid," Marcus explained. "Now I kind of regret it."

"So your last memory was here," Dana told Old Woman McGucket. "Anything coming back?"

"Guys, look!" Salls said, pointing at a shadowy figure.

"Hey, who's there?" Dana called out.

The group ran into a room filled with depictions of eyes. "Well kettle my corn," Old Woman McGucket said. "That person vanish-ified."

"It doesn't make sense," Dana said. "Where did he or she go?"

Old Woman McGucket looked around. "I feel like all these eyeballs are a-watchin' me."

Dana noticed a pattern with the eyes. "Wait... they are!" she said. "Move aside."

Old Woman McGucket moved aside, revealing a central eye. Dana pushed it and a staircase formed behind the fireplace. "A secret passageway," Dana said.

"We'll have to be stealthy," Old Woman McGucket said. "I'll hambone a message if there's trouble."

* * *

The group walked down the staircase, entering a room. There were men and women dressed in elegant red and gold robes.

One man stepped forward, dressed in a fancier red and gold robe, implying he was the leader. He was a thin man, with a gaunt skeletal face. His right eye was pink and has a red X over it. He was bald and had tattoos on his head, which resembled phrenology maps. He also wore a silver gauntlet on his left hand.

"Who is the subject of our meeting?" the bald man asked.

"This man," one of the society members answered, revealing Samuel.

"Blind Eye Samuel?" Marcus asked.

"First of all, do you wish to forget what you have witnessed?" the bald man asked.

"Of course!" Samuel answered, still panicking. "It was unnatural!"

"Very well," the bald man said. He pulled out a small circular disc. "What is it you have seen?" He opened the disc.

"Uh, well, uh, I was leaving the diner, and I saw these little female doodads, and I was, like, 'Bwaaa?'," Samuel confessed.

"There, there," the bald man said. "You won't be confused for much longer." He closed the disc, and a circular pattern appeared on it in a flash of yellow light. "Blind Eye Samuel, what do you know of little women?"

"Little women?" Samuel asked. He chuckled. "I haven't seen any little women."

"Guys, are you seeing this?" Dana asked. "They somehow wiped Blind Eye Samuel's memory!"

"Blind Eye Samuel, how do you feel?" the bald man asked.

"I feel great," Samuel said as he was being led away. "I can't even remember what was wrong."

"Your confession will be safe with us," the bald man said. He placed the disc in a pipe, sending it to another room. "Meeting adjourned."

When the society left, the group of five came out of hiding. "Amazing," Dana said. "A secret society of evil mind erasers. I'll bet they erased McGucket's memory a long time ago. If we could find where those memories have been hidden, it could be the key to unlocking all the mysteries of Gravity Falls. All right, Marcus, William, you two stay here and make sure those robe guys don't come back."

"Whoo! Boy's club!" William cheered.

"Salls, you, me, and McGucket are gonna go find the memory discs," Dana said.

Salls' hat was sucked into the pipe. "Follow that hat!" Dana said.

* * *

While the girls were searching for the room full of circular discs, Marcus and William waited in the main chamber. "I just don't get it, William," Marcus said. "How could I have rotten luck with dating?"

"Love happens in strange places," William said. "Take me for example. I wasn't expecting to fall in love with a younger girl, and now I'm dating your sister. But if it bothers you that much, you should just forget about this Abigail person."

"William, that's it!" Marcus said. He picked up a blank disc. "I just need to talk about Abigail while this thing is open and I won't feel bad about dating her anymore."

"Whoa, hold up, Marcus," William said. "We don't even know what these things do. You could accidentally erase learning to read, or breathe, or..."

"Or one of those terrible summer songs you can't get out of your head?" Marcus asked.

* * *

Eventually the girls found the hat in a room filled with small circular discs. "Whoa, look at all these discs," Dana said.

"People must've been getting their memories erased all over town," Salls said, putting her hat back on.

Dana picked up a disc. Instead of seeing a circular pattern, words started to appear. She read the name that was on the disc.

 **Rebecca Steven Valentino**

"Guys, I think I found Becca's memories," Dana said.

Salls and Old Woman McGucket walked over to Dana. "How can you tell?" Salls asked.

"It says so right here," Dana said. "'Rebecca Steven Valentino'."

"All I see is a circular pattern," Salls admitted.

Confused, Dana placed the disc on a viewing machine. The monitor showed Becca, who was in her human disguise.

 **"I was hanging out with my friends at an abandoned convenience store when ghosts came out of nowhere and attacked me! They trapped me inside my own theremin and I've been having nightmares about being stuck in a dark room ever since!"**

"Why are they erasing peoples' memories?" Dana asked. "I still don't get it."

"Maybe one of these discs have those words what people call me," Old Woman McGucket said.

"She's right," Salls said. "Dana, if you can somehow understand these circular symbols, you can see which one has McGucket's memories."

And so, Dana looked at the discs, trying to figure out which one contained Old Woman McGucket's memories. Eventually...

 **Franny Hadron McGucket**

"I found it!" Dana said. She took the disc, which set off an alarm.

* * *

"I don't know, Marcus," William said. "Are you really sure this is a good idea?"

"All ideas are good ideas!" Marcus said. He was about to open the disc when the alarm went off.

"Do you hear that?" William asked.

* * *

"The alarm in my brain is a-ringin' again!" Old Woman McGucket exclaimed. She hid while Dana and Salls ran off.

Dana and Salls ran into a dark area of the room. "Okay, I think we're safe," Dana said.

Suddenly, hands reached out from the shadows and covered Dana and Salls' eyes.

* * *

In the main room, Dana, Salls, William, and Marcus were tied to a pole. They were surrounded by the men and women dressed in red and gold robes. "You shouldn't have come here," the bald man said.

"Who are you bathrobe-wearing freaks?" William asked.

"Why are you doing this?" Dana asked.

"What's with your creepy British accent?" Marcus asked.

"Well, I suppose we might as well explain," the bald man said. "You may call me Blind Ivan, and we are the High Council of Timelords. We came to Earth thirty years ago when an unfortunate accident occurred that led to the disappearance of our Lady President."

Blind Ivan continued. "As you have no doubt discovered, Gravity Falls is a town plagued with supernatural strangeness. No one knew how to stop the things that went bump in the night, so we took it upon ourselves to use these special Confession Dials to help those who want to forget by making them face their demons and make their peace before the selected memory is removed. Now the people of Gravity Falls go about their lives in a state of calmness, thanks to us. Everyone has something wish to confess. In fact, your own brother was about to use a Confession Dial on himself. Isn't that right?"

"Marcus? Seriously?" Dana asked.

Marcus laughed nervously. "Maybe..."

"Don't you see?" Dana asked Blind Ivan. "This is ruining lives! What about Old Woman McGucket? She lives in a hut and talks to animals, thanks to you. Don't you feel bad about that?"

"Did you say McGucket?" Blind Ivan asked. "She's the reason why we came here!"

Suddenly, Old Woman McGucket showed up with a handful of weapons. "I raided the mining display for weapons," she said as she untied Dana, Marcus, Salls, and William. "Now fight like a hillbilly, fellers!"

"It can't be..." Blind Ivan said. "Franny McGucket, is that you?"

"How'd you know my name?!" Old Woman McGucket asked.

"You don't remember?" Blind Ivan asked. "You came here thirty years ago. We can show you if you want." He looked over at Dana. "Just hand over the Confession Dial."

"How do I know this isn't a trick?" Dana asked suspiciously.

"Because we know you are familiar with the Guardian," Blind Ivan answered. "She was our Lady President prior to her disappearance."

"The Guardian?" Dana asked. "As in, the Guardian of Time and Space?"

"That is her," Blind Ivan said.

"Marcus, so many people and creatures we came across mentioned the Guardian," Dana said. "Brandy Blandin wanted to confiscate her time machine, the Manicurs were terrified of her..."

"And those golf ball people apparently hate her," Marcus said. He noticed Dana's confused expression. "Don't ask."

"It seems the Guardian has quite a reputation in this town," Blind Ivan said. "Now please, give us the Confession Dial so we can show Ms. McGucket her memories."

Dana gave Blind Ivan the Confession Dial, and he checked the circular marking. "Yes, this is the one," he said. "I'm surprised you are able to understand Circular Gallifreyan."

"So that's what it's called," Dana said.

Blind Ivan puts the Confession Dial into the machine. An image popped up on the screen of a woman. She had shoulder-length light brown hair and she wore glasses. She also wore a green floral shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes.

 **"My name is Franny Hadron McGucket, and I wish to unsee what I have seen. For the past few years, my two friends and I have been working as companions for a woman known as the Guardian. I have been cataloging our findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I recently had an idea to build a machine that I thought had the potential to benefit all mankind. We finished the machine, but something went wrong. My two closest friends, the ones who always had my back, are now gone! I-I miss them so much. The Guardian said you guys can help me forget the pain, but now... I just want to forget everything."**

The confession ended.

"Oh, McGucket, I'm so sorry," Marcus said.

"Aw, hush," Old Woman McGucket said. "You kids helped me get my memories back, just like you said."

"But did you want those memories back?" Marcus asked.

"After all these years, I finally know who I am," Old Woman McGucket said. "Maybe I messed up in the past, but now that I seen what happened, I can begin to put myself together again. Thanks for opening my eyes."

"Well that's one mystery solved," Dana said. "But according to your confession, you worked with this Guardian of Time and Space. Do you remember who she was?"

"It's beginning to come back, but I need more time," Old Woman McGucket said. "I got some rememberin' to do."

"So Marcus, you still wanna erase those memories of Abigail?" William asked.

"You know, no one likes having bad memories," Marcus said. "But maybe it's better to remember the bad things and learn from them than to go all denial crazy trying to forget."

"That's some mature junk right there, Marcus," William said.

"Yep," Marcus said. "Mister mature. That's me."

* * *

After saying goodbye to Blind Ivan and the Timelord Council, the group headed outside. "Hey, um... I have a confession to make," Salls said. "Marcus, for the first few days of summer, I thought your name was Marius. No one corrected me."

"I only like some of the Pony characters," Marcus said. "I might be losing interest in the franchise, and the guilt is killing me."

"I'm not actually laid back," William said. "I'm stressed 24/7. Have you met my family?"

"Sometimes I use big words, and I don't actually know what they mean," Dana said. "I mean, I'm supposed to be the smart girl. If I'm not the smart girl, who am I?"

"I know who you are," Marcus said. "You're my sister."

"And you're my friend," Salls chimed in.

"And you're my girl," William added. He leaned down to give Dana a quick kiss on the lips.

Dana smiled warmly. "Thanks you guys," she said.

The five got into the car. "Hey, you know what?" William asked. "Going on this big adventure actually made me get that stupid song out of my head."

"Nice," Salls said. She started the car.

 _Am I blanchin',_  
 _Girl we blanchin',_  
 _I live up in a mansion_

"Oh, come on!" William complained.


	8. Brandy's Test

Dana and Marcus stood in front of a vending machine at the Surprise Hut, inserting coins, pressing selection buttons, and eagerly anticipating candy. The vending machine attempted to drop a bag of candy, but it got stuck.

"No! It's trapped!" Dana exclaimed.

"Everything is terrible forever!" Marcus complained.

Salls walked over to the twins. "You wanna know a trick?" She hit the vending machine with her hands and an elbow, and it opened. "A genius taught me that once," Salls explained, getting candy from the machine. "This just in: weather stations are calling for a...candy blizzard!" She threw candy on the twins.

"Salls, you are the greatest human ever to live," Dana said.

"Hey, no sweat," Salls said. She put her wallet on a table. "I'd do anything for the Pines family."

"Salls!" Silvia called out from the hut's museum. "I need help polishing the exhibits!"

"Coming Ms. Pines!" Salls said as she walked away.

Dana saw Salls' wallet on the table. "Better makes sure she gets her wallet back," Dana said, grabbing the wallet.

"Wait!" Marcus said. "I've never seen Salls' wallet before. Don't you wanna learn some Salls secrets?"

"I don't know if we should be-" Dana began. But then she took out a membership card. "Whoa! Salls has a membership to Laser Tag? I didn't know they let grown-ups in there."

"And look," Marcus said, pulling out a slice of salami. "Emergency salami! Salls, my respect for you has grown."

Dana found a driver's license. "Sally Alzamirana Ramirez," she read. "Organ donor. Birthday: July 13th. Wait a minute. That's today."

"Holy smokes..." Marcus said.

"That's weird," Dana said. "I wonder why she didn't tell anyone."

"Duh!" Marcus said. "It's probably because she wants someone to throw her a surprise party. I can relate. I've been waiting for a surprise party my whole life."

* * *

And so, Dana, Marcus, Gary, and Jennifer went to work on planning an outdoor birthday party.

"Wow, you thought of everything!" Gary said, impressed.

"Gary, I'm a bit of a birthday expect," Marcus said. "I've had twelve awesome birthdays in a row, so I know how to make them perfect."

"What about Dana?" Jennifer asked. "She is your twin sister."

"Sure," Marcus said. He laughed nervously. "She also had birthdays."

"Places everyone!" Dana said. "I hear footsteps!"

The four hid behind a table. Cameron lead Salls on since she was wearing a blindfold. "You promised a giant hummingbird," Salls said. "So I'm expecting to see a giant hummingbird."

Cameron yanked the blindfold off, allowing Salls to see the party.

"Happy birthday, you queen on Earth!" Marcus said. "We got everything you love. Cake-flavored pizza, pizza-flavored cake..." He lead Salls to a tent labeled 'Razzle-Dazzler'. "And one more treat..."

The curtain opened to reveal Toby in a red sequined leotard with a big sparkly blue bow dancing. "Razzle dazzle, friends!" he said. "It's the Razz-dazzler!"

"I... I..." Salls stammered.

"Quick!" Marcus said. "Everyone pose for the birthday smiles memory album!" With everyone ready, Marcus took the picture.

When the photo came out, everyone saw that Salls was frowning. "Salls, what's wrong?" Dana asked.

"It's uh... It's nothing," Salls said. "I, uh... I gotta go fix a pipe or something." And with that, she walked away with her fists clenched, her head down, and her eyes closed.

William and Silvia walked in, noticing Salls leaving. "Hey, did you guys see Salls?" William asked. "What happened to-?" He saw the party. "Oh no. Oh no, no. Okay, you guys didn't know so it's not your fault, but Salls hates her birthday."

"What?" Dana and Marcus asked.

"It's a total mystery," William explained. "I guess she's been like this since she was a kid. Some weird personal biz."

"There's gotta be something we can do!" Marcus said.

"We've tried everything," William said.

"I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars," Silvia said. "It didn't work."

Salls was on the porch looking at an old picture. She sighed sadly. The others watched her from behind the house. "I don't know, guys," William said. "Maybe we should just leave her alone."

"No one should be alone on their birthday," Dana said. "There's gotta be a way to cheer her up. We just have to try harder."

"You're right, Dana!" Marcus said. "It's time for us to bring out the big guns!"

* * *

And so, Dana, Marcus, Silvia, William, Cameron, Gary, and Jennifer brought Salls to Big Gunz Laser Tag. "Alright, guys," Salls said, wearing a blindfold. "Blindfold me once, shame on you. Blindfold me twice- Wait a minute. Hot dog smell? Sticky floors? Future sounds?" She took off the blindfold. "Laser tag? I-I love laser tag! How'd you guys know?"

"We definitely didn't rifle through your wallet," Marcus lied.

Some time later, the group got their laser tag gear on. A voice was heard over the speakers.

 **"Welcome to the year 8000. Society: collapsed. Fog machines: everywhere."**

William noticed the walls. "Are these walls just mattresses spray-painted purple?" he asked.

"I think this place used to be a mattress store," Silvia said.

"I-I don't know, guys," Salls told Dana and Marcus. "I'm not sure I'm up to this today."

"Don't worry, Salls," Dana said. "As soon as you start playing with us, you're gonna have a great time."

"No matter what happens, we won't leave your side," Marcus said.

"Well, I guess I could give it a shot," Salls said.

But then, just as the group entered the battle zone, Dana and Marcus disappeared in a flash of light. "Marcus?" Salls asked, looking around. "Dana?"

* * *

"Whoa, this is even cooler than I imagined!" Marcus said, looking around the blank room.

"Wait a minute..." Dana said, looking around. "Where is everybody?"

"Hello, Dana and Marcus Pines."

To the twins' surprise, time traveler Brandy Blandin materialized in front of them.

"The time traveler woman!" Marcus exclaimed.

"Brandy Blandin?" Dana asked. "What did you do to us?"

"It's an interesting story," Brandy said. She pressed a button on her wristwatch and a holographic screen was projected. "After you 'borrowed' my time device to make a slight alteration to your timeline without drastically changing history, I was promoted to top officer of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew. While I did fail to track down the Guardian of Time and Space, the great Time Baby gave me a new assignment: when the time comes, I must initiate an important time traveler test for the both of you. I spent every day since then planning the test. And now finally, it has come!"

"Look, we're sorry about the whole 'stealing your measuring tape' thing," Dana said. "But we're in the middle of something really important right now."

"It's our friend's birthday today, and we promised we wouldn't leave her side," Marcus said.

"Do you think some birthday matters right now?" Brandy asked. "People have said that it's an honor to take part in a time traveler test." She pulled out a time device. "All you have to do is accept it."

Dana sighed. "Do we have any other choice?" she asked.

"Nope," Brandy said. "You have to take this test."

"Alright," Dana said, grabbing the time device.

"I just hope Salls is doing alright," Marcus said.

* * *

Back at the laser tag arena, Salls walked around. "Dana? Marcus?" she called out. "Requesting backup!"

While that was going on, William was chasing Becca around, firing his laser gun at her chest plate.

* * *

Dana pulled out the measuring tape, then she let go of it and linked arms with Marcus. They disappeared in a flash of light.

* * *

Dana and Marcus landed on a mattress. "Are we back?" Marcus asked.

Dana looked around. "I don't think so," she said. "The laser place is a mattress store."

"Why would Brandy send us here?" Marcus asked. "She never really explained what the whole point of a time traveler test is."

"We better go back and ask her," Dana said.

Marcus looked at the time device. "I don't think we can," he said, holding up the dented time device. "Can you fix it?"

"Maybe," Dana said. "I need some tools." She saw a sign outside that read 'SURPRISE HUT 1 mile'. "And I think I know where to get some."

* * *

Dana and Marcus left the mattress store. "Let's try to lay low," Dana said. "We don't want to change the future. Or cause the future. I forget how this works exactly."

A biker girl was listening to a boom box mounted on her shoulder. Chief Blubs had longer hair, and the dark-skinned security guard was getting his first tattoo. A billboard showed Bonnie and baby Jennifer and read 'FIFTH WHEEL JUST HAD A BABY SALE'.

"Wow, ten years in the past," Marcus said, looking around. "Everything is same-y, but also different-y."

Toby was dancing at a studio. "Look out Broadway, here I come!" he said, looking at a poster.

Marcus banged on the glass to get Toby's attention. "You're going to make it big someday, Toby!" he called out.

"Yes!" Toby cheered, still dancing.

Dana and Marcus continued down the sidewalk. Bonnie was pushing a stroller, which apparently contained her baby daughter. Young versions of Taylor and William rode up to the twins on tricycles. "Oops, sorry," Taylor said.

William stared at Dana, like he was in some kind of trance. "You're cute," he blurted out.

Dana blushed. "Thank you," Dana said. "I mean...you're super young, so this is weird."

"At least we now know he has a thing for brunettes," Marcus said.

Dana suddenly remembered what William told her at the Surprise Fair.

 _"Ten years ago, Taylor and I were biking when I saw a brown-haired girl. I didn't really get to know her that well, but I thought she was the cutest girl I ever saw."_

 _"Are you sure this girl looked like me?"_

 _"Yeah, I'm sure. Same outfit and everything. Well, except for the metal plate on her chest."_

Dana realized she was still wearing her laser tag vest. Did she just close a time loop?

* * *

Soon, Dana and Marcus arrived at the Surprise Hut. "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to see my latest attraction," Silvia said. "Behold, the great wax museum!"

Dana took off her laser tag vest. "The coast is clear."

Marcus took off his laser tag vest. "Now's our chance!"

* * *

The twins got in the hut through the window. Dana found a red screwdriver and picked. "Alright, let's see..."

A girl banged on the vending machine. "Ah, c'mon candy," she said. "Fall. Fall."

Marcus walked over to the vending machine. "Allow me," he said. "You just need to know a guy on the inside." He copied Salls' method of opening the vending machine, allowing him to reach in and grab some candy. "Jackpot!" He turned around to face the girl and he gasped. It was a younger version of Salls!

"Thanks," Salls said, taking the candy from Marcus. "You must be some kind of genius."

Meanwhile, Dana finished fixing the time device. "I think I've got this thing working," she told Marcus.

Marcus shook Dana. "Dana, Dana. Look." He showed her Salls.

"No way," Dana said.

"You keep wandering off," Abuelito told Salls. "You don't want to be late for your big day."

"Sorry, Abuelito," Salls said as Abuelito escorted her out of the hut.

"Big day?" Marcus asked. "This could be the birthday where that personal biz went down. We could finally find out why Salls hates her birthday!"

"Alright," Dana said, looking at the time device. "But let's be quick."

* * *

At the Ramirez household, there was a birthday party in the backyard. Dana and Marcus are spied on the party from behind bushes.

"I don't know why Salls hate her birthdays," Dana said. "This looks great."

Salls saw a kid take a seat. "Uh, sorry, but could you move seats?" she asked. "Those two are the seats of honor."

"For who?" the kid asked.

"My parents," Salls answered. "I haven't seen them in three years. But they're coming today!" She heard the doorbell ring. "That must be them!"

* * *

Marcus and Dana followed Salls, looking in through a window. Salls opened the door, only to see a mailman. "Picture for a miss Sally Ramirez," he said.

Salls took the picture, which was of a man and a woman, along with a young girl. Salls flipped over the picture and read the message out loud.

 **We decided to adopt a new daughter. Hopefully she won't turn out to be a freak like you were.**

Salls gasped as Reggie approached her. "Hey, don't worry about it, cuz," he said. "Guess they didn't appreciate how special you are."

"I'm gonna go lay down," Salls said. "You party without me." She walked to her room.

"Wait!" Abuelito said. "What about your presents?"

* * *

"So that's why Salls hates her birthday," Dana said. "It's the day her parents disowned her."

"How much partying can fix that?" Marcus asked.

"I don't think we can fix it," Dana said. "We promised Salls a happy birthday, but how can we give her that now? This goes beyond anything we know how to fix."

Brandy appeared next to the twins. "There is one way to help your friend," she said. "Use a time wish."

"A time wish?" Marcus asked.

"It's a powerful object that can do literally anything," Brandy explained. "Any impossible problem solved..." She snapped her fingers. "...just like that. Imagine the possibilities."

"Of course!" Dana said. "If we get this so-called time wish..."

"Then we can wish that Salls' parents accepted her and they came to her birthday!" Marcus said.

"And Salls' birthdays would be fixed forever," Dana said. "All of them."

"So how do we get a time wish?" Marcus asked.

"There's only one way to get a time wish," Brandy said. "You must defeat me in a game of Globnar!"

Dana and Marcus were confused. "Oh, right," Brandy said. "Globnar is gladiatorial time combat. The winner gets a timre wish, and then decides the loser's fate."

"Do you really think we can win Globnar?" Marcus said.

"I'm sure," Brandy said. "It's the only way to complete the test. Now, let the Globnar begin!" She pressed a button on her wristwatch, and the group disappeared in a flash of white, leaving a red screwdriver behind.

* * *

The group reappeared inside the Globnar arena. When Dana and Marcus were shown on a large screen at the edge of the arena, a lot of people in the audience started complaining.

"Seriously?! These two _again_?!"

"What a rip-off!"

"I want my money back!"

"Welcome Globnar tributes!" Time Baby said. "You each have a change to settle your time-feud through gladiatorial com-" He saw Dana and Marcus. "Wait a minute..."

"Wait Time Baby!" Brandy said. "This is Dana and Marcus! This Globnar match is part of their time traveler test!"

Time Baby used telekinesis to have a closer look at Dana and Marcus. "Hmmm... The one with the hat does have longer hair," he said. "Very well." He put the twins back on the ground. "But this better not be the same as the previous match!"

And so, the Globnar game began. The three competed in various rounds. They fought with sticks, rode futuristic cycles that can defy gravity, played chess, rode a giant wheel, ate hotdogs, fought in robotic cuckoo clock suits, had a wheelbarrow race, fought with spears on unicycles on a tightrope, played Jenga, and participated in laser tag. It ended with Dana and Marcus winning.

"It is finished!" Time Baby announced once Marcus grabbed the time wish.

However, the audience booed, with Dana and Marcus hearing complaints how it was exactly the same as the previous match.

"You have made victory in Globnar," Time Baby told Dana and Marcus. "Before I give you your time wish, tell us; what fate have you decided for the loser?"

"Nothing really," Marcus answered with a shrug.

"Hold on," Dana said. "We would like her to answer a few questions."

"So be it," Time Baby said.

"Alright Brandy, what's going on?" Dana asked. "Why is everyone saying our Globnar match is exactly like the previous one?"

"And why did everyone mistaken us for someone else?" Marcus asked.

"I guess you deserve to know the truth," Brandy said. She pulled up a holographic image. "Your home universe isn't the only one that exists. There is a vast number of dimensions in existence. Yours is called Dimension 63, and for some strange reason, it is connected to a dimension called Dimension 46'\, although most people simply call it Dimension 46. If there is someone existing in Dimension 63, there is a counterpart in Dimension 46 that may or may not be the opposite gender. And these are your counterparts: Dipper and Mabel Pines." She showed Dana and Marcus a picture of their Dimension 46 counterparts.

"Holy smokes!" Marcus exclaimed. "I look like a girl!"

"Someone told me I had a counterpart who embraced that horrible nickname kids call me," Dana said, recalling her encounter with Bill. "Guess that's what he meant by that."

"Now what about our test?" Marcus asked. "Did we pass?"

"You sure did," Brandy answered. "Your actions in the year 2002 closed a time loop. Observe." She used her wristwatch to show a video of young Salls.

 **"Whoa," Salls said. "I thought I heard an explosion." She saw the screwdriver Dana dropped. "Whoa, what's this?" She read the print on screwdriver. "Surprise Hut."**

 **Salls got to the Surprise Hut and approached Silvia, who was about to put up Help Wanted flyers. "Excuse me, miss," Salls said.**

 **"Oh, hello there, sweetie," Silvia said, putting the flyers on a table. "Do you know how to fix a golf cart?"**

 **"Well, uh..." Salls stammered. "I don't know if I-"**

 **"It's okay," Silvia said, giving Salls a staff shirt. "I'll help you out as part of your training. From now on, you're officially part of the Surprise Hut crew."**

"And that's not all," Brandy continued. "You also improved someone's future." She showed the twins a hologram of a poster that read 'Ghost of the Musical: Now Featuring Tony Award Winning Actor Toby Determined'. "And your reward is a time wish."

"Now, children," Time Baby said. "What is it that you want for your time wish?"

"Thank you, but the wish isn't for us," Marcus said.

"Not you?" Time Baby asked. "But then who? Who is worthy to receive such power?"

* * *

At the laser tag arena, Salls left the combat area. She walked up to the exit and flipped a coin, wondering if she should stay or leave. Suddenly, Dana and Marcus appeared with Brandy.

"Salls!" Dana and Marcus exclaimed.

"G-Guys!" Salls said.

"We're so sorry we left you hanging," Dana said. "We got caught up in this time travel junk."

"And there was a time cyclops," Marcus said.

"And don't forget about the time race," Dana said.

"But, the point is, Salls, we think we know how to fix your birthday," Marcus said.

"Whoa, really?" Salls asked. "Wait, you guys did all of that...for me?"

"And that's not all," Brandy said. She pressed a button on wristwatch and the time wish appeared. "Behold your time wish! The power to alter time paradox-free in any way you choose."

"We think the only thing that can make you happy is reuniting with your parents," Dana said.

"But the choice is yours," Marcus said.

"You mean I can finally see my parents by touching this thing?" Salls asked. "And you guys battled through time and space just to get this for me?"

"What are you waiting for, Salls?" Dana asked.

Salls was about to put her hand on the time wish, but then she backed up. "No," she said.

"But Salls, what about your parents?" Dana asked.

"Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who care about you," Salls explained. "But you know what, my parents didn't care about me at all, let alone fight monsters through time and space like you two. I mean, you had a gladiator fight, just to make me happy. I've been being ridiculous this whole time. Wherever my parents are, they can take a hike. I know who my family is now, and it's you two." She gave the time wish back to Dana and Marcus. "That's why I'm giving the time wish back to you."

"Really?" Marcus asked.

"It's okay," Brandy said. "Think of it as a reward for passing the test."

Looking at each other, Dana and Marcus placed their hands on time wish and it gave off a flash of white light. When it cleared, a #2 pencil with an infinity symbol engraved on it appeared in Dana's hand.

"So what did you two wish for?" Salls asked.

"An infinite pencil," Dana said. She broke the pencil tip, which regenerated. "Now I won't have to sharpen pencils ever again."

"I wished for the ability to become a merman when I dive into large bodies of water," Marcus said. "Now I can visit my mermaid girlfriend whenever I want."

"Those are good time wishes," Brandy commented.

"You know, there's still ten minutes before Laser Tag closes," Salls said. "You wanna play?"

"Yeah," Dana said.

And so, Dana, Marcus, and Salls ran into Laser Tag zone, laughing. Satisfied with her accomplished mission, Brandy went back to her home in the future.


	9. The Love Goddess

**A/N: I would like to apologize early on for not including the 'I Eat Kids' balloon scene in this chapter. I realized that it wouldn't work out because the whole scene is very out-of-character for Silvia, since she would make sure her hot air balloon is perfectly safe and free of fire hazards.**

* * *

Dana, Marcus, William, Natalie, Taylor, Liz, and Trisha were at the Gravity Falls Cemetery, watching the sky and pointing at clouds.

"Holy smokes!" Marcus said. "That cloud looks like a chipmunk!"

"Barfing an airplane," William added when a plane flew by.

"That looks like...uh, a cloud!" Trisha said.

The other teens jokingly mocked Trisha. "Trisha, stop being the worst at everything," William said.

Trisha laughed. "Sorry guys."

"That cloud looks like a big heart-shaped balloon!" Marcus said.

"Clouds don't come in colors," Dana pointed out. "That _is_ a balloon."

"Alright!" William cheered. "It's the Woodstick festival!"

"Wait, the wood what?" Dana asked.

"It's this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon's up-and-coming indie bands," William explained. "They're all coming! Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything... Even C.A. Cupid the DJing Love Goddess is making a guest appearance!"

"Like a real concert?" Dana asked. "I've never actually been to one of those before."

"That's because you've never had an awesome crew to roll with before!" William said. "When you're with us, you're in!"

Suddenly, a soft singing voice was heard. "Wow..." Marcus said, in awe. "Where is that beautiful voice coming from?"

The teens groaned as Taylor and William put in earplugs. "There's only one person I know who has that kind of voice," William said.

The group walked over to the source of the voice, which was in an open grave. Sure enough, it was Becca, who was half-singing and half-crying.

"Hello Becca," William said in disgust.

Becca saw the group and she gasped. "Don't look at me!" she exclaimed.

"Woah, dude," Liz said. "We haven't seen you in, like a million years. Where have you been?"

"You're not still mourning our break up, are you?" William asked. "We split up forever ago. It's really sweet you'd throw yourself into a grave for me, but it's time to move on."

"What am I supposed to do?!" Becca asked. "First that guy with the camera, and now you! Why does every guy I like reject me?!"

"This is getting really awkward," Liz told Natalie.

"Yeah, the cemetery used to be fun," Taylor said. "Now it's just depressing."

Everyone but Marcus started walking away. "Wait, you guys!" he said. "She's in pain. We can't just ditch her here."

"Come on, Marcus," Dana said. "It's Becca."

"But she's suffering," Marcus said. "How can I be happy if I know someone else is sad? It totally throws off my metaphorical happiness chart."

"Marcus, trust me," Dana said. "If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's to let things happen naturally. Besides, we're finally in with William's friends. With Becca gone, there's a good social balance. Maybe we should let the good thing be, you know."

Marcus glanced at Becca, who was singing to a nearby vulture.

* * *

Later that day, William and the twins were at the Surprise Hut. "Oh, man, I'm sorry you guys had to see that," William said.

"You know what Becca needs?" Marcus asked. "A new guy!"

"Marcus, it's not that easy," William said.

"It is if you're the world's greatest matchmaker!" Marcus said. "I've never had an unhappy customer. I even helped Salls find a girlfriend."

Speaking of Salls, she was standing behind a cardboard box, video chatting with Melody. "Watch this. Walking down some actual stairs." She gradually bent down behind the cardboard box. "Did it look cool?"

Melody giggled. "The coolest," she answered.

"Match made!" Marcus exclaimed.

"Marcus, you had no involvement in that," Dana pointed out. "They fell in love on their own."

"Besides, Becca's a hopeless case," William said.

"Hopeless case, ehhh?" Marcus asked.

* * *

And so, after a bit of research in the Gravity Falls address book, Marcus arrived at the Valentino household and rang the doorbell. The door opened, revealing...two perfectly normal adult humans.

"Howdy do!" Mr. Valentino said.

" _Happy day!_ " Mrs. Valentino said, speaking in a melodic voice that sounded like she was singing everything she said.

"You're Becca's parents?" Marcus asked. "My sister told me she was raised by the last boreal sister or something something like that."

"My wife _is_ the last Lorelei sister," Mr. Valentino explained. "She just prefers to stay in her human form. Now come in. Come in."

* * *

Inside the house, there was a glass coffin with a corpse in it. On top of it was a tray of crackers and grapes. Mr. Valentino picked up the tray and approached Marcus. "Cracker platter?" the cheerful funeral director asked.

"Oh, no time for crackers, sorry," Marcus said. "I'm here to cheer Becca up. Cannot have a dry cracker mouth for that."

Mrs. Valentino walked up to the bottom of the staircase with a plate of spaghetti in her hands. " _Rebecca Steven Valentino!_ " she called out. " _There's a little boy here to see you!_ " She looked back at Marcus. " _You go on up. And could you bring her her lunch?_ " She gave Marcus the spaghetti plate.

Marcus saw that the sauce and meatballs on the spaghetti were shaped into a smile. "I like your style." He was about to head upstairs when Mrs. Valentino spoke.

" _Just out of curiosity, do you know where the Guardian of Time and Space is?_ " the pure-blood siren asked.

"Um... No," Marcus answered. "Why do you ask?"

" _Let's just say she and her three assosicates have done unspeakable things to my nineteen sisters and I want to rip out her guts as payback,_ " Mrs. Valentino explained, still sounding cheerful.

Slightly freaked out by this calm threat, Marcus headed upstairs. As he walked over to Becca's room, he saw a painting of twenty blonde women wearing green dresses and no shoes. The painting was labeled 'LORELEI SISTERS'. After noticing that one of the women in the painting resembled Mrs. Valentino, Marcus walked over to the door to Becca's room and knocked on the door as he heard the sound of singing and a theremin playing.

"Becca! It's Marcus!" Marcus said.

"Who?" Becca asked.

"Remember me?" Marcus asked. "I'm like boy-Dana!"

"Go away!" Becca said.

"I heard a 'come in'!" Marcus said. He opened the door and entered the room.

"Nobody in the Pines family is welcome here," Becca said, turning off her theremin. "In case you forgot, your stupid sister is the one who ruined my life!"

Marcus put Becca's lunch on a table and pulled up a chair to sit. "And Marcus is the one who's gonna fix it," he said. "Listen, Becca, I always used to see you as a weird siren."

"Go on," Becca said, taking a seat on her bed.

"But when I saw you in the cemetery today, I realized, Becca's not a bad girl," Marcus continued. "She's just a heartbroken soul who needs love. You just need a good matchmaker. I guarantee I'll find you true love or twice your sadness back."

"Are you sure?" Becca asked. "Because I can just brainwash any guy into making him love me."

"No magic singing!" Marcus insisted. "Why would you even consider that?"

"Because it's how my mom got my dad to fall in love with her," Becca explained. "She said the best way to a guy's heart is to manipulate it with song."

"And how did that work out?" Marcus asked.

"There was a bit of arguing after he snapped out of it," Becca recalled. "It took years for them to fix things up."

"Trust me," Marcus said. "You won't have to use your magic songs."

* * *

That afternoon, Marcus was in his room, sitting in front of a miniature diorama of the town and its residents. "Okay, Gravity Falls," Marcus said to the diagram. "Who wants to go out with Becca?" He sorted through the figures. "Alex? Too rich. Christopher? Too poor. Issac? I'm putting him in the maybe pile. Who could it be? Who could it be?"

Oinkers squealed. "What's that Oinkers?" Marcus asked. "Someone we already know? But who could possibly be perfect enough for—?" Oinkers squealed again. "Of course, that's it!"

* * *

Meanwhile, over at Trisha's house, Willian, Dana, and the other teens were hanging out in the garage. Liz and Natalie were using duck tape to attach snacks onto Trisha.

"This is brilliant," William said. "The perfect way to sneak cheap snacks into the concert. And it was all Dana's idea." He gave Dana a quick kiss on the cheek.

Liz bent down and placed a hand on Dana's shoulder. "Kid, I sense greatness in you," the blonde teen said.

"Oh, well, I don't know about that," Dana said.

"Alright, now everyone go home and finish getting ready for the concert," William said.

"Hey, don't wait up, Tayls," Natalie said.

"Don't call me that," Taylor said.

Natalie laughed. "Classic Tayls," she said.

Taylor's phone rang. He answered it and saw a text.

 **Taylor, You. Me. Date. Bring that strong, handsome face. Your secret admirer.**

* * *

At Greasy's Diner, Marcus was watching Becca, who is quietly sitting in a booth. She was in her normal siren form and she had her hair tied up in a ponytail.

"Love is about to happen, Blind Eye Samuel," Marcus said. "Watch and learn."

A bell rang as the door to the diner opened. Taylor walked in and approaches the booth Becca was sitting in. He groaned. "Becca?" he asked. "You're my secret admirer?"

"Taylor?" Becca asked. She rolled her eyes. "This is just what I get for trusting a toddler. Listen, I don't think this is gonna work out. Dating somebody I already know? It's kinda like admitting defeat."

"Way to assume I'm even interested," Taylor said.

"Taylor, let's be honest," Becca said. "If I wanted to date you, I would have brainwashed you already."

"Status update: on a blind date with a siren freak," Taylor said.

"Oh, sure," Becca said. "Talk like you're typing into your phone. Classic Tayls." She reached out her hand, calling for a waiter. "Can I get some chili fries to go?"

"What?" Marcus asked. "How is this possible? I'm supposed to be the best matchmaker ever."

Suddenly, there was chatter among the patrons. The door to the diner burst open and teenage girl stormed in. She had white skin which faded to black at her hands and feet. She had short wavy pink hair, which was fashioned to make it look like she has a halo, and aqua eyes. She wore pink lipstick on the center of her lips to make her mouth appear heart-shaped. Her bony wings were made to look like a rib cage with a visible spine disguised as a necklace.

"Hello Gravity Falls!" the girl exclaimed. "Who's ready to fall in love tonight?"

"Love Goddess!" the crowd cheered.

"That's what they call me," the Love Goddess said. "We're rewriting history tonight, and it starts with you two!" She pointed at a male patron and a female employee. They looked at each other and started kissing.

"Love is real and it's in your face!" the Love Goddess said. She walked over to an elderly female patron. "What's your name?"

"Meredith," the woman answered.

"Listen to me, Meredith," the Love Goddess said. "We have a problem." She pointed at an elderly dark-skinned woman sitting across from them. "That cutie right there is your soulmate, and you're living without her."

"What do I do?" Meredith asked.

"Go for it," the Love Goddess answered. "Follow your heart."

Meredith ran towards the dark-skinned woman, picked her up, and laughed. Marcus, curious about the Love Goddess's skills, approached her.

"Hi. Love Goddess?" Marcus asked. "Marcus here. Big fan. Can I just say, that was some of the finest matchmaking I've ever seen. Can you please tell me your secret?"

"Well, between you and me, let's just say my name's not exactly a coincidence," the Love Goddess said. Her bony wings fluttered.

"Holy smokes," Marcus said. "Are you an actual love goddess?"

"Call me Cupid," the Love Goddess said. "The internet pretty much does my job for me nowadays, so I'm taking time to focus on my pop career."

"So anyway, can you make anything fall in love?" Marcus asked.

"That's not how it works," Cupid explained. "I simply have the ability to detect true love within soulmates. I just give them the right push."

"So can you help me with these two?" Marcus asked, pointing at Taylor and Becca.

Cupid let out a hushed squeal. "Rebecca and Taylor!" she said excitedly. "Those two are destined to be together! Just give it a minute, and true love will bloom."

Becca received her bag of chili fries. But just as she was about to leave, she slipped on a wet spot on the floor. Without thinking, Taylor stood up and caught Becca. There was a brief pause with the two teens looking at each other.

"Did your whole thing suddenly get a lot more likable?" Becca asked.

Taylor smiled. "You don't seem as needy as I used to think you were," he said.

Taylor helped Becca stand up properly. "Hey, you wouldn't wanna maybe get outta here and, I don't know, eat chili fries together?" Becca asked shyly.

Taylor held hands with Becca. "For some reason, I do," he said.

"See?" Cupid told Marcus as the teens left the diner. "True love."

* * *

Back at Trisha's garage, William, Natalie, Trisha, and Liz were dressed for the concert. Even Dana changed up her outfit, wearing a light grey v-neck t-shirt, dark grey leggings, black sunglasses, and her usual black and white sneakers. She also had her long hair tied up in a messy bun.

"Alright, who's ready for the best and most overpriced day of our summer?!" William asked.

Trisha held up trail mix and safety whistles. "I brought a baggie of trail mix and safety whistles in case we get separated," she said.

"Lame," Dana said, pretending to clear her throat.

"Dr. Funtimes is a champion," Liz said, referring to Dana.

"We're just waiting on Taylor," Natalie said. "Can't leave without him."

Marcus walked in. "Sorry guys," he said. "But Taylor's a little busy at the moment."

"What does that mean?" Natalie asked.

"Let's just say that with my help, he and Becca took a trip to Smoochville," Marcus answered. "Now everyone's happy."

"Becca and Taylor?" Natalie asked. "This can't be happening."

"How's that?" Marcus asked.

"She knew I liked him!" Natalie said. "How could you let this happen?!"

"Whoa, hold it," Liz said. "You like Taylor and you told Becca but not me?"

"You always make fun of my crushes," Natalie said.

Liz whacked Natalie's head. That's what we do, genius."

"This is just like Taylor to do this!" William said. "Date my ex behind my back!"

"Guys, guys. Calm down," Dana said. "We're gonna be late for the concert."

"Uh, news flash, kid," Natalie said. "I'm not going to the concert." She pointed at Liz. "Not with her!"

"Hey, that won't be a problem 'cus I'm out!" Liz said.

"Me too!" William said.

"Wait! Wait!" Trisha said as the three teens left. "This group is all I have! Don't make me go back to having no friends! Guys!" She looked at the twins. "What did you just do?! I've let these guys pick on me for years to keep this group together! And now they've totally fallen apart!"

"But we were all starting to finally hang out together," Dana said. "I was one of the gang."

"Well, unless you can break up Becca and Taylor immediately, there is no gang," Trisha said. "I have no more friends and neither do you." She left the garage.

"Marcus, what did I tell you about staying out of Becca's personal life?" Dana asked.

"I know, I know," Marcus said. "I just wanted to be a good matchmaker. I never should have gotten advice from Cupid."

"Hang on," Dana said. "If you had some magical being use magic, then can't you undo it?"

Marcus gasped. "That's it!" he exclaimed. "If I get Cupid to undo the spell then everyone will be friends again! But I'm gonna need your help. Also, you look great in that v-neck."

"I know," Dana said confidently.

* * *

At the Woodstick Festival, Marcus and Dana peeked out from behind two trash cans trash bins. Trisha walked by, pulling William, Natalie, and Liz towards the entrance. "Come back, guys!" she said. "Come on. The tickets were a hundred bucks. I sold my watch. You gotta come to the concert."

"And have to look at that?" William asked. "No, thanks."

Becca and Taylor were seen walking together, arms linked. "They're doing that couple hug walk," Dana said. She called out to Taylor and Becca. "You're in public! People can see you!"

"Dana, come on," Marcus said.

* * *

Dana and Marcus sneaked past the guards and hid near Cupid's van. "Love Goddess," a man said. "Sound check for Love Goddess."

The van's doors opened and Cupid. "Let's make some miracles happen." Then she noticed Dana and Marcus. "Oh, hi there. What can I do for you?"

"We need you to undo what you did to Becca and Taylor," Marcus said.

"Those two teens from the diner?" Cupid asked. She laughed lightheartedly. "I can't. I don't control peoples' hearts with magic. I let love naturally take its course."

"But-" Dana started to say.

"No buts," Cupid said. "Things will work out on its own."

 **"Love Goddess to the stage. Love Goddess to the stage."**

"That's my cue," Cupid said. "Now remember: true love will solve any problem, no matter what the problem is." And with that, she got up on the stage.

* * *

Marcus and Dana hid behind a bush that Becca and Taylor were sitting in front of. Becca noticed Marcus. "Marcus!" she said, walking over to him. "Marcus, I just wanted to thank you. I've been so miserable since William broke up with me that I thought my life was over. But you were right. I just needed to move on. I'm finally happy, and I didn't need to use my singing ability."

"Becca, people are commenting on our picture," Taylor said.

Becca winked at Marcus as a way of saying thanks and walked back to Taylor.

"They are kinda perfect for each other," Dana said. "But what about our friend group?"

"Well, maybe Cupid is right and it'll sort itself out," Marcus said. "I mean, there's gotta be something that could bring everyone back together."

* * *

As if on cue, Trisha, who was wearing a jacket and hat to cover the snacks she was hiding, held up a cake. "Guys, I made a friendship cake," she said. "So let's all get over this, okay?"

Trisha got hit in the head with a beach ball, dropping the cake. She bent down to pick it up the cake, but her coat ripped, revealing the hidden snacks.

"Hey! Food from the outside!" a security guard said.

"Get her!" another security guard said.

The two security guards chased after Trisha, who screamed and ran.

The rest of the gang quickly noticed this.

"Whoa!" Liz said. "Hey, look!"

"Is that Trisha?" William asked.

Trisha was hugging onto a utility pole. The first security guard blew a whistle as the second security guard beat her with a broom. Trisha grunted as she was struck repeatedly. The group laughed.

"Yeah, fight the machine Trisha!" Liz said.

"Throw snacks at 'em!" William said.

"Use jerky as a weapon!" Becca said.

"Trisha!" Natalie cheered.

The teens continued the chant Trisha's name as the security guards beat her like a piñata with a broom. Liz playfully punched Natalie's shoulder and Natalie did the same. Taylor smiled apologetically at William, who did the same. Becca smiled at William and he smiled back apologetically.

"I think every just might be all right," Marcus said.

"Maybe someone up there really is a genius matchmaker," Dana said.

Trisha, who was now on the top of the utility pole, smiled at her friends, glad that the planned work. She was hit again and her friends continue to cheer as the guards beat her senselessly.


	10. Part 1: Southeast Mansion Mystery

It was evening at Southeast Manor. Priscilla Southeast was reading a paper. "Preston, I must say," she said. "The guest list for this year's party has so much diversity."

"Yes, a nice mix of millionaires and billionaires," Preston Southeast said.

"Now where the devil is Patterson?" Priscilla asked.

Patterson cleared his throat. "I'm right here," he said. He was already dressed for the party, wearing a black and white tux with a lakefoam green bowtie. "I know I'm not wearing seafoam green, but I figured lakefoam green is close enough."

"Oh, that's good," Priscilla said. "Now run along and make sure the quail bags are alright."

"You sure you don't need help in here?" Patterson asked.

"We're fine, Patterson," Preston said in a stern tone.

Patterson sighed sadly. "If you say so..."

Suddenly, the ground began to shake, while at the table, plates and utensils clattered. The Southeasts and their staff stared and gasped. "Oh no! It's...happening," Preston said.

Furniture and dinnerware flew at the unfortunate individuals present, while everyone either ducked or hid underneath tables. "This is a disaster!" Priscilla said. "The party's in just twenty-four hours!"

"Surely there's someone who can handle this sort of nonsense!" Preston said. He looked at a newspaper, noticing a particular headline.

 **Local Tomboy Catches Vampire Bat**

Below the headline was a picture of Dana punching a giant vampire bat on the town clock tower. "And I think I know just the person..." Preston said, having an idea.

* * *

Over at the Surprise Hut, Dana was sitting in the living room watching TV, already wearing her sleepwear.

 **"You asked for it, you got it! An all-night marathon of Towards the Past on the Used to Be About Scyence Fiction Channel! Featuring all three classic movies and all twenty-six episodes of the not-so-great cartoon!"**

 _"Be strong, bladder,"_ Dana thought as the first Towards the Past movie started. She patted her stomach. _"We're not gonna move 'till sunrise."_ But then...

 **"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news."**

"Aww, what?" Dana asked.

Marcus walked in. "What's wrong, Stargirl?" he asked.

Dana gestured to the TV, which showed Shandra Jimenez standing outside Southeast Manor.

 **"Tonight is the Southeast family's annual ball. While the local residence isn't allowed to enter, that doesn't stop them from camping outside as they try to see the ball from outside."**

"Can someone please explain why people care about this?" Dana asked. "I'm missing the Towards the Past marathon!"

"Jennifer told me about this," Marcus said. "It's apparently the best party in town. Even she's interested in attending some day."

"In case you've already forgotten, Patterson Southeast is the worst," Dana said. There was a knock at the front door, prompting her to get up and answer it. "And that's not just jealousy talking. I'd say that to his face."

Dana opened the door, seeing Patterson. "I need your help," he said.

"You're the worst," Dana said without hesitation. She slammed the door shut and looked back at Marcus. "See?"

Patterson knocked on the door again, and Dana opened it reluctantly. "There's something haunting Southeast Manor," Patterson explained. "If you don't help me, the party could be ruined."

"And why should I trust you?" Dana asked. "All you've ever done is try to humiliate me and Marcus."

"Just name your price," Patterson said. "I'll give you anything!"

Marcus walked up to the door. "Hi, Patterson!" he said. "Excuse us!" He dragged Dana away by the arm.

"Dana, don't you see what this means?" Marcus asked. "If you help Patterson, you could get invited to the greatest party of all time!"

"What?" Dana asked. "Marcus, this is Patterson we're talking about!"

"Imagine, Stargirl," Marcus said. "The party is already going on when this average girl, all decked out like a princess, shows up late. All eyes are on her, even those belonging to the prince, who is so in love that he asks this girl for a dance. You could be living every girl's dream!"

"Still no," Dana said.

"You have to go!" Marcus insisted. "You're CinDanarella, and this is your chance to go to the ball!"

"Marcus, I'm not a princess," Dana said. "I'm sure there are plenty of girls who have that kind of fantasy, but I live in the real world. You know I have no choice."

"Don't you want one night of freedom?" Marcus asked.

Realizing that Marcus was right, Dana approached Patterson. "Fine, I'll bust your ghost," she said.

* * *

At Southeast Manor, a limo drove through the crowds as a butler pulled a lever to open the main gates and let it through. Two servants opened the doors to the house, letting in Dana and Patterson. Dana was wearing her plain light blue dress, sneakers, and hat, and she wore her hair down. She also had her bag of ghost-catching equipment.

"Welcome to Southeast Manor," Patterson said.

"Ah, if it isn't the lady of the hour," Preston said, approaching the two kids. "Hopefully you can help us with our little...situation, before the guests arrive in an hour."

"I'll do my best," Dana said.

"Splendid," Preston said. "Patterson, take our guest to the 'problem room', and, uh..." He looked back at Dana. "You're not wearing that, are you?"

"What?" Dana asked. "But this is the only dress I have."

"This is a formal event, Miss Pines," Preston said. "Formal wear only."

"It's okay, dad," Patterson said. "I'm on it."

* * *

 **One Makeover Later...**

Dana emerged from a dressing room looking like a princess. She wore a bright blue butterfly gown and crystal high heels that had a golden butterfly on the toe sections. Her hair was curled and styled elegantly, and she had a small amount of makeup on her face. But despite all the fanciness, she didn't look happy at all.

"Geez, these shoes are hurting my feet!" Dana complained. "Who do you guys think you're impressing with this stuff?"

"Everyone," Patterson answered. He sprayed a small amount of perfume on each of Dana's wrists. "You wouldn't understand. High standards are what make the Southeast family great."

"Funny, I thought it was lying about founding the town," Dana said.

* * *

When Patterson showed Dana the right room, she opened a creaky door. The room had dead stuffed animal heads on the walls, paintings, a fireplace, and a lot of dark wooden furniture. The whole room was lit by the fireplace and gave it a dark reddish light.

"This is the main room where it's been happening," Patterson said.

"Yep, this looks like the kind of room that would be haunted," Dana said. "I wouldn't worry about it, though." She held up her journal. "Ghosts fall on a ten-category scale. Floating plates sound like a Category 1."

"So what?" Patterson asked. "Are you gonna bore it back into the afterlife by reading from that book?"

Dana held up a small, round bottle of water. "Just gotta splash this sucker with some anointed water, and it should be out of your obviously-fake blonde hair." She smirked.

"Excuse me?!" Patterson asked.

Suddenly, Dana's EMF detector started beeping. "Shh!" she said as she took it out of her backpack. "I'm picking something up."

Dana walked further into the room, stopping in front of a tall painting of a lumberjack over the fireplace. The device lost its signal for a moment. Dana tapped the device, and the signal returned. She looked back at the painting, and the lumberjack inside has disappeared.

"Uh, Patterson?" Dana asked.

Patterson screamed as blood dripped from above. He gasped and looked up. Blood swell from the mouths of the stuffed animal heads on the walls. Dana and Patterson shout as the fire burst out of the fireplace.

"ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS."

Books, furniture, and antique weapons flew around Dana and Patterson, and the chandelier above crackled dangerously. "Dana, what is this?!" Patterson asked.

"It's a Category 10," Dana answered, dropping the bottle of anointed water in shock.

"ANCIENT BLOOD AND BLACKENED SKIES. THE FOREST DARK SHALL ONCE MORE RISE."

"What do we do, what do we do?!" Patterson nervously asked.

"Don't worry," Dana said. "It can't get worse than this!"

As if on cue, the fire flamed up again, and Dana and Patterson hid under a table while a giant black skeleton emerged from the fire. A body formed around the skeleton of an enormous lumberjack with a beard made of fire and an ax in his head. "I smell...A SOUTHEAST!" he exclaimed. A larger ax materialized in his hand, and he began dragging it along the floor. "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."

"Hurry!" Patterson said. "Read through your dumb book already!"

"I'm looking!" Dana whispered, flipping through her book. "And it's not dumb, okay? This book is gonna save our lives! Alright, here we go. Advice..." She held her portable black light over the book.

 **PRAY FOR MERCY!**

"Seriously?!" Dana asked.

The table float out from over them, revealing them to the ghost. They screamed. "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE!" the ghost said. He sliced at them with the ax, and they dodged.

"This way!" Patterson said. "Hurry!"

"I'm trying!" Dana said as she and Patterson fled down the hall. "It's hard to run in these shoes!"

Patterson led Dana down a decorated hallway as party guests began to arrive. As they ran past a doorway, a young baron named Marius von Fundshauser saw them. He started to wonder who that mysterious princess dressed in blue was...

* * *

"Hurry!" Patterson said. "Through the garden! Watch out for peacocks!"

Dana, still looking through journal, hit a peacock as she and Patterson ran through the garden and back inside the manor. "Come on, come on-" She found the right page. "I got it! Haunted paintings can only be trapped in a silver mirror." She looked ahead of them. "Look! There's a silver mirror right there!"

Dana and Patterson ran towards a pristine white room, where a large, rectangular mirror hung on the rear wall. But then, Dana felt a hand touching her shoulder, stopping her before she could enter. She turned around, only to see the young baron.

"Guten tag," Marius said. "I am Marius von Fundshauser. Who are you, young princess?"

"Are you serious?" Dana asked, not knowing who this foreign boy was. "I'm kind of busy at the moment."

"It does not seem like you are busy," Marius said.

"Come out!" the ghost called out from a distance.

"I don't have time for this!" Dana told Marius, backing up.

Dana stumbled around due to her heels, causing her to fall through a painting of a skeleton in a crown and robe into a dark, dusty, cobwebbed room. Curious, Patterson walked in, with Marius following him.

"What is this place?" Dana asked, getting back on her feet.

"That's weird," Patterson said. "I don't even know where this room is."

"Hopefully the ghost doesn't either," Dana said.

"Ghost?" Marius asked. "What ghost?"

"Maybe we're safe," Patterson said, agreeing with Dana.

Suddenly, a sheet behind Patterson seemed to come alive, reaching out to swallow him. "Patterson, watch out!" Dana exclaimed.

Patterson screamed as the sheet fell over. "YOUR FATE IS SEALED!" the ghost exclaimed. He pursued Patterson, knocking over a box of silver dishes, utensils, and other objects, including...

"A silver mirror!" Dana said.

Patterson ran, but he tripped over a loose floorboard. "PREPARE TO DIE, SOUTHEAST!" The ghost exclaimed. He raised his ax and charged at Patterson. But then Dana dashed in front of Patterson, holding the silver mirror. In a flash of light, the ghost was gone.

"Did you get him?" Patterson asked. He and Marius looked at the mirror, still held by Dana.

"NO!" the ghost exclaimed from inside the mirror. "FREE ME!" He pounded on mirror's interior.

"You did it!" Patterson cheered, giving Dana a hug.

"I do not know what just happened," Marius said. "But I must say, I am impressed with your bravery, Princess..."

"It's Dana," the 12-year-old girl said as Patterson released his grip on her. "Dana Pines."

* * *

At the Southeast Manor garden, Preston and Priscilla Southeast met up with Dana, while Patterson and Marius stood nearby. "Well, Patterson, you really found the right lady for the job," Preston said.

"We can't thank you enough," Priscilla said.

"Hey, just doing my job," Dana said. She turned to leave.

"Wait, leaving already?" Patterson asked. "You're at the world's best party, dummy."

"Ya," Marius said. "I wish to get acquainted with you, Princess Dana."

"I'm not exactly a formal party person," Dana said bluntly. "Besides, I've got a Category 10 ghost to dispose of."

* * *

At the outer garden, Dana smiled. Maybe Patterson wasn't that bad of a guy...

The ghost laughed from inside the mirror. "What are you laughing about?" Dana asked. "I defeated you."

"You've been had, young girl," the ghost said. "You remind me of the people who built this manor a hundred and fifty years ago."

"What do you mean?" Dana asked.

"One hundred and fifty years ago this day, the Southeasts asked the lumber-folk to build them a mansion atop the hill," the ghost explained. "They were told t'would be a service to the town, that once a year they would throw a grand party, and all would share in the bounty. It took years of backbreaking labor and sacrifice, but when it was time for the grand party they promised the common folk of the town, they refused to let them in. That was when a mysterious woman came, calling herself the Guardian. Seeing the broken promise, she told the Southeasts that in one-fifty years, if the gates are still closed to the down, the entire Southeast family will pay. It was curse passed down until this day."

"So, wait a minute," Dana asked. "The Southeasts knew this haunting was coming, and they tricked me into helping them to avoid ghostly justice?" She paused. "I'll be right back."

* * *

In the manor interior, Preston was greeting the 102-year-old town mayor. "Thank you so much for coming, Mayor," Preston said. "As a sign of our respect, please take this chimp servant. Keep him away from bright lights, he gets...grabby."

The mansion main door opened, revealing Dana. "Southeasts!" she exclaimed. "You've got some explaining to do!"

Patterson dashed in from another room. "Dana, you came back!" he said happily.

"You lied to me!" Dana said. "All of you did! All you had to do was let the townsfolk into the party and you could've broken the curse! But you made me do your dirty work instead!"

"Look at who you're talking to," Preston said. "I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?"

"My kind?" Dana asked. She looked at Patterson. "I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain!"

"I'm sorry, they made me do it!" Patterson said, but Dana didn't believe him.

"Enjoy the party," Miss Pines," Preston said. "It's the last time you and your kind will ever come."

Dipper glared and walked away, still stumbling around thanks to her heels.

* * *

Outside the mansion, Dana was about to exorcise the ghost. "Exodus demonus," she said in a bored tone. "Spookus scarus. Aintafraidus noghostus-"

"Dana, Dana!" the ghost said from inside the mirror. "Please let me invoke the Guardian's curse on the Southeasts! You hate them as much as I."

"Hey, I feel you," Dana said. "It's just that you seem a little unstable."

"Very well," the ghost said. "Then...before you banish my soul, may these tired lumber eyes gaze upon the trees?"

"Uh... I guess," Dana said. She held the mirror up to the forest. "Go nuts."

The ghost cackled madly and the mirror became red-hot. Dana dropped it as it burned her hand, and it shatterd on the ground, releasing the ghost back to the mansion. She gasped, realizing she made a terrible mistake.

* * *

Inside the manor, Preston was addressing the guests. "Thank you all for coming," he said. "I think we can all say this party was a rousing success. "A toast! To our family name-" Suddenly, his glass shattered. "What?!"

The ghost emerged from the fireplace. "GENERATIONS LOCKED AWAY, HER REVENGE SHALL HAVE ITS DAY!" Glowing beams extended from his arms.

"Ah, the grim reaper!" the mayor said. "I'd been wondering when you would arri-" The beam hit him, turning him into wood. He fell over.

Guests began running and screaming in every direction. The ghost fired more beams at everyone he can see. Dead taxidermy animals came alive and advanced on the guests.

"Preston, what are we going to do?" Priscilla asked.

"Prepare the panic room," Preston answered.

The front doors flew open, revealing Dana. She was shocked at what she saw. One of the guests reached out towards her. "Please, help me!" he begged as he turned into wood.

"JUST ONE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR FATES: A SOUTHEAST MUST OPEN THE PARTY GATES!" the ghost said. That gave Dana an idea.

* * *

Sure enough, Dana found Patterson in the secret room. "Patterson, there you are!" she said. "The ghost is turning everyone to wood, and he just started rhyming, for some reason? I need your help!"

The blonde boy didn't respond. "Patterson?" Dana asked.

"You wanna know why this room was locked up?" Patterson asked. "This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done. Lying, cheating..." He sighed. "And I thought my parents pretending I don't exist was bad enough." He took off his cufflinks and threw them at a painting of Preston and Priscilla.

Dana was shocked. "Your parents pretend you don't exist?" she asked.

"It's not like you would understand," Patterson said.

"But I do," Dana said.

Patterson snorted a laugh. "Seriously?" he asked. "But you're Dana Pines, the tomboyish supernatural-fighter."

"But back in Piedmont, I'm...someone else," Dana said. "Marcus was always the favorite, receiving gifts on birthdays and Christmases, eating delicious food... But me? I have nothing. My bedroom is completely blank with the exception of a bland bed with a ratty pillow and a holy blanket." She wiped away a forming tear from her eye. "'Dana' isn't even my real name. It's just something Marcus calls me."

"I'm so sorry," Patterson said. "I wish there was something I could do."

"It's okay," Dana said. She sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. But just because you're a Southeast, it doesn't mean you have to be like your parents. It's not too late."

"IT'S TOO LATE!"

"Oh no!" Dana said.

* * *

Dana and Patterson ran into the main hall. "You are all wood!" the ghost exclaimed.

Sure enough, all of the guests had turned into wooden statues. Dana looked determined and started to approach the ghost. "Dana, wait!" Patterson said.

Dana picked up a silver platter. "Alright ghost, prepare to get-" An energy beam knocked the journal out of her hand, and she dropped the platter. "No, wait!" The ghost fired a beam that hit Dana. "No no no!" she exclaimed as she was transformed into wood. "No, someone help! SOMEONE HEEEELLLLP...!"

Patterson gasped. A grandfather clock chimed midnight. "A FOREST OF DEATH, A LESSON LEARNED, AND NOW THE SOUTHEAST MANOR WILL BURN!" the ghost said as the manor was on fire.

Patterson walked over to the lever to the manor gates. "Hey, ugly!" he called out. "Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!"

"YOU WISH TO PROVE YOURSELF?" the ghost asked. "PULL THAT LEVER AND OPEN THE GRAND GATE TO THE TOWN! FULFILL YOUR ANCESTORS' PROMISE!"

Patterson looked at Dana's wooden statue, and he pulled the lever. Outside, the main gate swung open, admitting the citizens of Gravity Falls. "YES, YES, IT'S HAPPENING!" the ghost said. "The Guardian's curse is finally broken!"

The guests and manor itself fade back from the wooden forms. Dana inhaled sharply as she was changed back to normal.

"Patterson Elliot Southeast, you are not like the other Southeasts," the ghost said. "You might be the family's last hope for a bright future." He faded to nothing, the ax in his head falling to the floor and sinking into the ground.

There was a rumbling noise, and the doors of the manor burst open as the people of Gravity Falls entered the party. To Preston and Priscilla's surprised, the guests welcomed the town locals.

Dana walked over to Patterson. "This is great," she said, looking at the happy townsfolk.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Patterson said. "Next year I'm sure my parents are just gonna lock everyone out again."

"So... What now?" Dana asked.

"There are two options," Patterson said. "We can either enjoy this party, or we can watch all three movies and all twenty-six episodes of the Towards the Past series. I know that sounds a bit nerdy, but it's a really cool franchise."

"Seriously?" Dana happily asked. "You like Towards the Past? It's my favorite franchise of all times!"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Patterson asked. "We have a marathon to watch."

But just as Dana and Patterson were about to head upstairs, hushed voices were heard.

"Is that Dana Pines?"

"It can't be her! She's too beautiful!"

"I never saw her like that before."

Sure enough, all of the town locals were looking at Dana. She blushed, realizing that Marcus was right. She was CinDanarella, and she needed to attend the ball.

"I think we have time for one dance," Dana said.

"If you say so," Patterson said. And with that, he held Dana's hand and led her to the dance floor.

* * *

But as Dana danced with Patterson, Old Woman McGucket watched them from a corner of the room. She plucked the now-fixed laptop from her incredibly long hair and opened it. The screen showed what appeared to be a countdown, showing a few days until whatever was coming.

"Just a few more days until he finally comes," Old Woman McGucket said. "I hope the young girl will be ready for his return."

Behind Old Woman McGucket was a tapestry. It depicted a triangle eye which looked similar to Bill Cipher in the sky above a burning landscape and cowering figures. Below the worshippers were skulls and bones lying on the ground.


	11. Part 2: Southeast Mansion Marriage

**A/N: Due to the implication that The Legend of the Gnome Gemulets takes place between Northwest Mystery Mansion and Not What He Seems, here's a bonus chapter to fill in the gap.**

* * *

It had been hours since the Southeast ball came to an end. And as promised, Dana and Patterson were in his room, watching all three movies and all twenty-six episodes of the Towards the Past series. The two kids were still wearing their formal wear, although Dana had to take off her painful crystal high heels. And at the moment, the first Towards the Past movie was almost coming to an end.

 **"Alright everyone. Here's a song you'll probably enjoy."**

Dana squealed. She always loved the scene where Michael McFennek performed Jacob T. Coole at the Underwater Enchantment dance. It was such an awesome song and in her opinion, the vocals were better than the original version.

Patterson must have noticed Dana's excitement because as soon as the guitar began to play, he got up and dragged Dana up on her feet. The next thing she knew, they were dancing to the song.

As the two danced (with Dana giggling in delight), Preston and Priscilla watched them from the hallway. "I've never seen Patterson get this close with a girl," Priscilla said.

"Neither have I," Preston said. "He's actually smiling for once. Maybe it's time we initiate the big plan."

"But while Miss Pines did help us with our ghost problem, she's merely a commoner," Priscilla pointed out. "It'll never work."

"A lot of the guests thought she was a princess," Preston recalled. "She'll do."

* * *

The next day, at the Surprise Hut gift shop, Silvia was doing a quick attendance when she noticed someone was missing. "Where's Dana?" the sales artist asked.

"Weird," Marcus said. "I haven't seen her since last night. She should have come home by now."

As if on cue, Dana stumbled into the gift shop, exhausted. She had gone back to her old self, with her short-sleeved plain blue dress, sneakers, hat, messy hair, and makeup-free face. She let out a yawn. "Morning Graunt Silvia," she said.

"Oh my," Silvia said. "What happened to you, sweetie?"

"Just an awesome all-night Towards the Past marathon at Southeast Manor," Dana answered.

"Southeast Manor?!" Silvia asked, alarmed. "Why were you even there?!"

"I think I found out why," William said, looking at his phone. "Taylor just sent me this video."

Dana, Marcus, Silvia, and Salls walked over to William. The video was of Dana and Patterson's dance at last night's party. Dana's eyes widened. She recalled seeing Taylor and Becca at the party after Patterson opened the main gate. No wonder Taylor was able to record the dance!

William looked over at Dana. "Didn't want me to find out that you like dressing up?" he asked.

"The Southeasts forced me to wear that awful outfit!" Dana explained. "I was dolled up against my own free will!"

William chuckled. "Relax, Dana," he said. "You look much cuter the way you are now." He took off her hat, pushed aside her bangs, and kissed her birthmark.

Blushing, Dana snatched the hat from William. "You're just saying that to make me feel better," she said as she headed to her room.

Suddenly, the gift shop's phone rang. Silvia answered it. "Hello, this is the Surprise Hut," she said. "We put the fun in exploring. How may I help you?"

There was a long pause. Apparently whoever was on the other end had a lot to say. Time passed before Silvia spoke up again. "I see," she said. "I'll talk to her about it." She hung up the phone. "Dana, can you come down here?" she called out.

Dana got back in the gift shop, back to wearing her usual tomboyish outfit. "Yeah, Graunt Silvia?" she asked.

"Preston Southeast just called," Silvia explained. "Are you okay with taking part in a...fake wedding with Patterson this evening?"

"WHAT?!" Dana asked.

"Please don't shoot the messenger, sweetie," Silvia said. "The Southeasts have been planning an arranged marriage for their son for years. But last night, when they saw you hanging out with him, they figured you were a perfect fit."

"I can't marry Patterson!" Dana said. "He's a cool guy and he's as big of a Towards the Past fan as I am, but I don't like him in a romantic way! And what about William?! He's my boyfriend!"

"Aw, cheer up, Stargirl," Marcus said. "Maybe this is a good thing."

"Plus it's a fake wedding," William pointed out.

"And the Southeasts aren't that bad," Salls said. "At least that's what I've heard."

"Patterson seems to be the only good Southeast," Dana said, recalling last night's confrontation in the hidden room at Southeast Manor. "And besides, I'm not exactly rich girl material. They probably wouldn't approve of their son marrying a tough girl who has a strong punch."

"Preston said he'll plan everything out," Silvia said. "You won't have to lift a finger."

* * *

Over at Southeast Manor, Preston and Priscilla entered a secret room that had creepy tapestries on the walls. Preston took out a triangle-shaped bell and rang it. A deep voice echoed.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM SOME VERSION OF GRAVITY FALLS, IT'S THE ONE, THE ONLY, BIIIIIIIIIIIILL CIPHERRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Bill appeared in a poof of smoke. "Thank you, thank you," he said. "I'll be here all week."

Preston cleared his throat. "Oh, right," Bill said. "So who am I speaking to this time? The Northwests or the Southeasts?"

"The Southeasts," Preston answered.

"Southeasts, huh?" Bill asked. "You two and your Dimension 46 counterparts are completely identical. Funny how not everyone has a genderswapped counterpart. Heck, turns out that despite some major differences in the past, the two dimensions seem to be in sync with one another."

"Bill, we don't have time for you bad-mouthing other dimensions," Preston said. "We have an important matter to discuss."

"Geez, talk about a mood-killer," Bill said. "So what is it this time? Ya want me to kill another bothersome pest?"

"Not this time," Preston answered. "We have decided to set up our son with an arranged marriage."

"Who's the lucky girl?" Bill asked. "Some rich bimbo who was raised from birth to be an obedient young lady?"

"You might know her," Priscilla said. "Her name is Dana Pines."

"WHAT?!" Bill asked. He started laughing. "You're joking! It'll never work! She'd probably punch him in the face again!"

"Not recently," Preston explained. "You see, they bonded over an 80s film franchise last night. And with many of the part guests mistaking her for a princess, my wife and I decided that she would be a perfect fit. So tonight we would like to set up a fake wedding for practice."

"Still won't work," Bill said. "I know the Southeasts have been devoted to me ever since I transformed Nicole from a waste-shoveling village idiot to a wealthy beauty, but there are some things I can't do. And forcing marriages to make sure they work isn't one of them."

"We had a different idea in mind," Preston continued. "Can you trick Dana into allowing you possession over her body?"

"Yeah right," Bill said. "I recently tried that trick with her Dimension 46 counterpart. I ended up getting tickled and exhausted. There's no way I'm making that same mistake _again_."

"Then can you at least strip her of her free will so she'll be okay with the marriage?" Priscilla suggested.

"Oh?" Bill asked, intrigued. "I never tried that before."

"So you'll do it?" Priscilla asked hopefully.

"'Course I'll do it!" Bill said, his hand being encased in bright blue flames. "Anything for two of my most loyal followers!" He proceeded to shake hands with Preston.

* * *

Back at the Surprise Hut, Dana and William were in the hut living room watching some TV. "Is it just me or does Gravity Falls TV only have the worst movies?" Dana asked.

 **"You're watching the Gravity Falls Bargain Movie Showcase. Coming up next: The Widdlest Wampire, The Planet People of Planet Planet!, Help! My Mummy's a Werewolf!, Attack of the Exclamation Points!, The Man with no Taste, Ghost Turtle, Help! My Mummy's a Werewolf! 2: This Again!"**

"I really don't mind," William said. "Bad movies are fun to laugh at."

"That's only when there's commentary," Dana said. She changed the channel. "Maybe we can watch a repeat of Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000 instead."

"That reminds me," William said. "How was last night's ball?"

"Seriously?" Dana asked. "You're still thinking about that?"

"The yearly Southeast ball is closed off from the rest of the town," William pointed out. "So how did a girl like you get in?"

Dana let out an exasperated sigh. "Long story short, the Southeasts were cursed to have a ghost haunting them, so they hired me to take care of it. I ended up helping Patterson lift the curse, then when everything was done, he offered a dance, and when the party was over, we spent the rest of the night having a Towards the Past marathon."

"According to Taylor's video, you seemed happy when you danced with Patterson," William pointed out.

Dana wasn't sure how to respond. She did, in fact, smile when she and Patterson danced during the ball. But what was William thinking? Was he jealous?

William must have noticed Dana's reaction. "It's okay," he said. "I respect that you have guy friends. And you've met Liz, Natalie, and Trisha. They're just my friends who happen to be girls."

Dana was surprised to hear that. "You're not jealous?" she asked.

William chuckled. "I would never be jealous of a 12-year-old," he said. "Besides, while you two can bond over your Towards the Past stuff, we still have Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Dana said. But she still looked a bit unease.

"If it helps, this supposed wedding could help you practice for our possible wedding," William suggested.

" _Our_ wedding?" Dana asked. "But William, I'm not even sure we'll actually _have_ a wedding! I could end up with a different guy for all I know!"

"Dana, it's like what I said after the whole shape-shifter event," William said. "You're my dream girl. Someone who's smart, cute..." He took off her hat and let it drop to the floor before untying her long, messy brown hair and caressing his fingers through it. "...and has gorgeous brown hair."

"I wouldn't say it's 'gorgeous'," Dana said. "It's hard for me to manage it properly. There are too many knots and tangles in it."

"That's what makes you perfect," William said, still caressing Dana's hair. "You're nothing like the other girls I know. You don't wear makeup, you dress like a typical boy, you often act like one too, and you leave your hair in a natural style. I always wanted a girl like that."

Dana smiled softly. That was the first time a guy complimented on her looks, and she liked it very much. "Thanks," she said.

* * *

But while Dana and William watched the Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000 version of Space Chasers, Bill had appeared in Dana's mind. He was becoming stronger, so he didn't need to wait for her to fall asleep.

"Look kid, you've been getting way too close to figuring out some major answers," Bill said, hoping Dana could hear him. "I've got big plans comin' and I don't need you gettin' in my way. Destroying that laptop was a cinch. Now I just need to destroy your free will."

But before Bill could do that, he noticed a door labeled SOUL. Curious, he decided to sneak a peak, so he floated over to the door and opened it. What he saw inside made him 'smile'.

"Oh..." Bill said. He laughed to himself. "So that's where my little seed was planted." Satisfied with what he saw, he closed the door and floated over to the MEMORIES door.

* * *

 **A Few Hours Later...**

Silvia entered the living room. "Dana, there's a limo outside for you," she said. "I think the Southeasts are picking you up."

"Guess it's time," Dana said, tying her hair back up in a ponytail and putting her hat back on.

William held Dana's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, making her look at him. "It's okay," he said. "If it helps, I'll attend the ceremony for moral support. Is that alright?"

Dana forced a smile. "Sure," she said. She looked back at Silvia. "But what about you, Marcus, and Salls?"

"I have to take care of important work, Marcus said something about meeting his girlfriend's parents, and Salls has to keep an eye on the Surprise Hut," Silvia explained. "I'm so sorry about not attending, sweetie."

"It's okay," Dana said. "I'm going to be alright."

* * *

And so, Dana and William arrived at Southeast Manor. The two entered the home, and they were greeted by the Southeasts.

"Hello Ms. Pines," Preston said. "And I see you brought an escort along."

"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Southeast," William said. "I'm William Corduroy. You might know my dad."

"Ah yes," Preston said. "Manly Dan the widower lumberjack. I know him all too well."

Priscilla walked over to Dana. "Come on, dear," she said. "I'll help you get ready for the wedding. We certainly can't have you looking like a filthy hobo."

After Priscilla and Dana left, William approached Patterson, who was wearing a while tuxedo. "So...what exactly do you see in Dana?" the red-haired teen asked Patterson.

"She's perfect," Patterson answered as Preston led led the two boys to a gazebo in the Southeast garden. "I initially didn't think much of her, but when I saw her in that blue butterfly gown last night, I realized she's capable of looking beautiful. Plus she's a huge Towards the Past fan and her geeky side makes her super cute. Too bad she's kinda out of my league."

"What?" William asked. "But you're Patterson Southeast, the richest boy in Gravity Falls."

"Yeah, and you're dating the prettiest girl in town," Patterson pointed out. "I mean, she would look like the prettiest girl in town if she brushes her hair more often."

"I think Dana looks fine the way she is," William said. "But you are right about her geeky side making her look cute."

"You should have seen her last night," Patterson said. "We danced to the Jacob T. Coole scene from the first Towards the Past movie, and she was giggling a lot."

"I don't know what that stuff means, but it sounds like fun," William said.

* * *

As the two boys continued to bond over Dana, she was in the Southeast dressing room with Priscilla. The 12-year-old girl was wearing a white poofy princess dress and shiny white high heels, with a diamond necklace worn around her neck and diamond eyeshadow on her eyelids. Right now Priscilla was brushing Dana's hair while the brunette girl sat by the room's vanity.

"I swear, it's like you haven't used conditioner every day," Priscilla said. She tied Dana's hair up in a bun, making sure every strand was in place.

"I don't," Dana said. "My hair is usually hard to manage. Marcus keeps saying that I should cut it, but I don't want people mistaking me for a boy."

"What a wise decision," Priscilla said. "I never understood girls these days. They're always cutting their hair short until they're bald. It's nice to hear that you plan on keeping your long hair."

"Really?" Dana asked, actually expecting the worst. "You're not going to scold me for disagreeing with society?"

"Why on Earth would I do that?" Priscilla asked in response. "I think your long hair is what makes you gorgeous. It would be a shame if it was chopped off."

Dana smiled. She never heard such a compliment towards her before. "Thanks," she said. She then noticed some foundation on the vanity. Having a sudden idea, she took the foundation, put some on a makeup brush, then lifted her bangs with the intention of covering her birthmark.

"What do you think you're doing?" Priscilla asked.

"Hiding my hideous birthmark," Dana answered. She was about to apply the makeup brush to her forehead when Priscilla grabbed her wrist.

"Don't you dare cover that birthmark," she said. "It's the most beautiful natural marking I ever saw."

"It's not beautiful," Dana said. "It's the reason why I gave myself bangs. Kids used to make fun of it before I started hiding it all the time. Even my parents told me the birthmark was what made me a freak."

Priscilla looked alarmed. "How dare they say such words!" she said. "You should be proud to have such a birthmark!" She picked up a sapphire barrette and used it to clip back Dana's bangs. "See? Isn't that better than foundation?"

Dana looked at her reflection. She never thought of her birthmark as beautiful. And she had to admit that Priscilla was right. Plus the sapphire barrette made her eyes sparkle.

"I take it that you don't get a lot of compliments," Priscilla said.

Dana slowly shook her head 'no'.

"That would explain the lack of care in looks," Priscilla said. "Tell you what, dear. Keep the barrette. Think of it as a reminder that you are a very pretty young lady. Now come on. You don't want to be late for your wedding."

* * *

And so, Priscilla brought Dana to the Southeast garden, which was nicely lit. The older woman led Dana down the aisle as soft music played from a boom box. And as Dana walked, she noticed there were random citizens in the chairs. She also noticed both Patterson and William were staring at her. She knew why. It was probably because of how pretty she looked.

When Dana finally reached Patterson and Priscilla stood on the side next to Preston, the Gravity Falls priest began the unofficial ceremony.

But during the ceremony, William noticed there was something off about Dana. She frequently blinking for some unknown reason. He knew people blink, but she was blinking rather oddly, only blinking one eye at a time. But he remained silent the entire time, not wanting to interrupt the wedding.

Eventually, it was time for the famous words. "Do you, Patterson Elliot Southeast, take Dana to be your wife?" the priest asked.

"I do," Patterson said, although it looked like he regret saying that.

"And do you, Dana Pines, take Patterson to be your husband?" the priest asked.

But Dana didn't respond. It was as if she froze up. "Don't tell me your getting wedding jitters," Patterson whispered.

"Ms. Pines, we need a response," the priest said.

Dana still didn't respond. "Come on, Dana," Patterson said. "Say something." He gently patted her cheek. She responded with that, backing up abruptly.

"Watch it, kid! Don't break my new doll!"

That voice sounded nothing like Dana. Sure enough, her eyes had become yellow with slitted pupils. It was none other than Bill Cipher!

William stood forward, immediately noticing the change in Dana's eyes. "Who are you, you imposter?!" he asked.

"Oh, right," Bill said. "Name's Bill Cipher, and I was summoned to make sure little miss tomboy here wouldn't hesitate to marry the blonde rich boy. But don't worry. She's still in here."

Bill let Dana get control for a brief time. "Get out of my head!" she exclaimed before Bill took over once more.

"Oh be quiet, Sketchpad," Bill said. "Now then, as long as I'm in this girl's body, I can do whatever I want. Watch!" He proceeded to sing.

 _If your birth was an accident and you know it, clap your hands!_

CLAP CLAP

 _If nobody really loves you and you know it, clap your hands!_

CLAP CLAP

 _If you're such a big disgrace,  
And your whole life's been a waste,  
If nobody's gonna miss you, clap your hands!_

CLAP CLAP

Everyone was shocked. "Oh, and it might be because of this special little birthmark over here," Bill said, gesturing to Dana's birthmark.

"That's a birthmark?" Patterson asked. "I thought it was some kind of temporary tattoo."

"Nope," William said. "That's Dana's birthmark. It's why Marcus calls her 'Stargirl'."

Upon hearing William's voice, Dana regained control. "William, do something!" she begged.

Not sure on what he should do, William did the only thing he could do. He walked over to Dana as Patterson stepped aside. "It's okay," he said soothingly. He kneeled down to her level and hugged her. "I'm here."

"Nice try," Bill said. "You really think the 'power of love' can stop me? I'm an all-powerful dream demon! I lost that feeling years ago!"

"Don't listen to him, Dana," William said. "You can fight this. I don't know who this Bill Cipher guy is, but you are strong enough to fight back!"

To Bill's surprise, Dana's arms moved to hug William back. "What?!" he asked, alarmed. "Why can't I control this pile of flesh anymore?!"

Seeing that Dana's love for him was strong, William loosened her hair, changing it from a bun to a ponytail. "There's the tomboy I love," he said.

"I revealed this girl's secrets!" Bill cried out. "How could you still love her after that?!"

William didn't respond. Instead, he kissed her birthmark, which gave Dana enough strength to kick Bill out of her head. She inhaled deeply as she regained full control of her body.

"Dana!" William happily explained. He stood to his full height and picked up Dana, carrying her bridal style. He started kissing her cheeks multiple times. But then he noticed she wasn't smiling.

"What's wrong?" William asked as he placed Dana back on the ground.

"It's us," Dana explained. "You still love me."

"Come on Dana," William said. "You begged for my help while Bill was inside your mind."

"I was scared!" Dana exclaimed. "Look, I still think that us as a couple won't work out in the future! Worse, you now know I'm not this perfect little princess you thought I was! I'm a living Cinderella and my parents hate me so much that they never gave me an official name! 'Dana' is just something Marcus started calling me before we started school!" She turned away, tears coming from her eyes.

William cupped Dana's chin and made her look back at him. He didn't care about the forming white streaks on her face. "So what if you don't have a name?" he asked. "You're still Dana Pines, and you're still my girl."

Dana pulled away. "But for how long?" she asked. "You're probably just a summer romance."

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Patterson complained. He walked over to the priest. "Can you marry Dana to William instead of me?" the blonde boy asked.

Everyone was shocked to hear that. "Seriously Patterson?" Dana asked. "Now?"

"You're too concerned about losing William in the future," Patterson said. "Why not marry the guy now?"

"I don't know..." Dana said. "Marcus would get upset if he found out I participated in an illegal wedding ceremony..."

"The union can't be declared a legal binding in any state or county," the priest explained. "However, the commitments and vows you would be making if you go through with this will be seen as all-too real. And, at least in Gravity Falls, you will be expected to honor those commitments."

"So what do you say?" William asked. "Will you unofficially marry me?"

Dana looked up at William. If she was to participate in this, she would be expected to commit to this relationship. But after much thought, she made her decision.

"Alright William," Dana said. "I will marry you, but not like this. Not as this false image."

"Very well," Preston said. "Patterson, make sure William is properly dressed. We have a fake wedding to prepare."

* * *

And so, like before, Priscilla helped Dana get ready for the unofficial ceremony in the Southeast dressing room, but on the brunette girl's terms. As a result of this, she wore a sleeveless white dress with a light blue bow tied around the waist and diamond flats. Her hair was down and done in soft curls, and her face was free of makeup. She also didn't wear any jewelry.

But just as she was about to head back to the garden, Dana realized her bangs were getting a big long. She picked up a pair of scissors on the vanity.

"I see you want to still have bangs," Priscilla commented.

Dana nodded in response. "Having bangs is the only way to get people to stop laughing at me," she explained. "My hair ended up looking so ugly afterwards when I got them, but Marcus fixed it by putting it up in a cute ponytail."

Priscilla took the scissors out of Dana's hand and replaced it with the sapphire barrette. "Your birthmark is what makes you prettier," the wealthy woman encouraged. "And if you think your bangs make you look ugly, maybe it's time to grow them out."

Dana looked at her reflection in the vanity mirror. Maybe Priscilla was right. Maybe it was time for a change. So the brunette girl used the barrette to clip her bangs away from her forehead, exposing her birthmark once more. "Thanks Mrs. Southeast," she said, smiling at how pretty she looked.

* * *

Back in the garden, everyone was in position. When the music played from the boom box, Dana walked down the aisle by herself. All eyes were on her, and she felt absolutely beautiful. She no longer worried about her birthmark. Instead, she decided to embrace what make her special.

When Dana saw William, she was amazed with how much he changed for the wedding. He looked downright handsome in a black and white suit, and his chin-length hair was gelled back. Dana had to assume that the gel was William's idea, since he once admitted that he doesn't look good with shorter hair.

When Dana finally reached William, she looked up at him and he looked down at her as the ceremony began. "Dearly beloved," the priest said. "We're all here this evening to celebrate the relationship of Ms. Dana Pines and Mr. William Corduroy and to be witnesses and supporters of the commitment they share with one another."

The ceremony went off without a hitch. When it was time for the vows, Dana and William improvised their own vows.

"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows," Dana said, quoting the vows from the Tom Burten animated classic Zombie Bride. "Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way into darkness." She held up a silver ring and placed it on William's finger. "With this ring, I ask you to be mine."

"Really?" William whisper. "Zombie Bride?"

"They were the first vows that popped into my head," Dana whispered back.

William chuckled before he said his vows. "Dana, with all my love, I take you to be my wife," he said. "I will love you through good and the bad, through joy and the sorrow. I will try to be understanding, and to trust in you completely. Together we will face all of life's experiences and share one another's dreams and goals. I promise I will be your equal partner in a loving, honest relationship, for as long as we both shall live." He held up a diamond ring and placed it on Dana's finger.

"Dana and William you have professed your love by exchanging your vows," the priest said. "You have symbolized your commitment by exchanging rings. And you have expressed the end of your individual lives by the pouring of the unity sand. With all of this there is just one more question I need each of you to answer.

"William – do you take this young girl to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," William said confidently.

"Dana – do you take this teenage boy to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage?" the priest asked. "Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

Dana smiled wide. "I do," she said, her naturally high-pitched voice squeaking.

"Then the power vested in me, in the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you unofficial husband and wife," the priest said.

William leaned down to Dana's level and kissed her. And as Dana kissed back, she had a pretty good feeling that things were going to turn out alright in the future.


	12. Not What She Seems

It was a peaceful morning at the Surprise Hut. Marcus was running down the halls, followed by a tired Dana. "It's here it's here it's here!" Marcus exclaimed.

Dana let out a yawn. Last night was pretty exhausting for her, especially with the fake wedding.

"Okay, so I was just opening random doors when I found something amazing!" Marcus explained.

Dana was rubbing her tired eyes. "If it was worth waking up an exhausted sister who stayed up late, that will be amazing," she said.

"Feast your eyes!" Marcus exclaimed. He opened a door to reveal a closet filled with various types of fireworks in a box.

"Whoa!" Dana said, her eyes wide open.

"Stargirl, I know we're both thinking it," Marcus said. "Up for a crazy rooftop fireworks party?"

Silvia walked up to the twins. "Not so fast," she said. "There is no way on Earth you're setting off those fireworks...without me."

Dana and Marcus smiled wide. "Now go get dressed," Silvia said. "I'll meet you on the roof."

* * *

Once Dana and Marcus got dressed, they headed for the hut's roof. But as they walked, Marcus noticed a few things that were different about Dana: she wasn't wearing her hat, she had her bangs clipped back by a sapphire barrette, and she wore a diamond ring on her left ring finger.

"Someone's looking more feminine today," Marcus commented. "And nice ring."

Dana looked at the ring and smiled. "Thanks," she said.

"What did happen last night anyway?" Marcus asked.

"William and I were unofficially married," Dana explained. "And Mrs. Southeast gave me a few beauty tips. She even told me my birthmark made me look prettier."

"That would explain why you stopped hiding it," Marcus said. "Does that mean you'll grow out your bangs?"

"Obviously," Dana answered.

* * *

And so, on the roof, Silvia happily watched the twins play with the fireworks. Dana grabbed a icy-pop from the cooler, while Marcus excitedly held a skyrocket.

"Here you go, sweetie," Silvia said, lighting the skyrocket with a sparkler.

Marcus aimed the skyrocket at the sky. "I AM THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION!" he exclaimed.

The skyrocket shot off and exploded, making the three cheer. But then Silvia realized there were many small fires on the ground. "We should probably clean this mess up," she said.

"With water balloons?" Marcus asked.

"I don't see why not," Silvia answered.

* * *

Some time later, Silvia was sitting outside on the couch drinking a can of Pitt Cola. Dana and Marcus were running around throwing water balloons. Dana giggled as she ran. She threw a water balloon, which hit Marcus right in the gut. He responded by hitting her with a water balloon, knocking her back.

"This is what Saturdays are for," Silvia said. "Doing dumb things forever."

"DUMB THINGS FOREVER!" Dana and Marcus cheered as they jumped onto a pile of water balloon, which all popped into a big burst of water.

"To Graunt Silvia!" Marcus said, holding up an icy-pop. "Not just a great great-aunt..."

"The greatest great-aunt!" Dana said. She and Marcus threw water balloons at Silvia, making her laugh.

"Alright, alright," Silvia said. "I tell you it's nice to see you finally get along."

"Don't worry," Marcus said. "We've still got plenty of summer left to drive each other crazy!" He attacked Dana in a hug. She responded by pushing him away with a water balloon.

Silvia laughed nervously and frowned. "Yeah, plenty of summer left," She rubbed the back of her head nervously as Dana and Marcus approached her. "Dears, there's something I should tell you. It's kind of complicated. I..." She hesitated. "I'm going to go refresh my soda." She walked away.

Silvia walked behind some bushes near the hut. She knew that the twins would find out about her soon. After all, today was finally the day he returned.

Suddenly, a glowing red dot appeared on Silvia's fez. More red dots targeted her. Then a masked agent pinned Silvia down. "Target secure!" Agent Trigger said. "Take the house!"

Several helicopters flew above the hut. A confused Dana and Marcus were surrounded by a handful of agents. "Kids are secure," an agent said. "Roof team! Go!"

Several agents rappelled out of a helicopter. Agents crashed into the attic and cocked their weapons. Another couple of agents rushed through the gift shop, wielding a bat. Another crashed through a window using a rope. Another agent broke through the window in Marcus' room and tackled Oinkers, making her squeal in surprise.

Outside, the agents wrapped yellow police caution-tape around the hut. Several police cars were parked outside. An agent led a struggling Silvia in handcuffs. "I don't understand!" she said. "What did I do that warrants this much arresting?"

That was when Agent Powers showed up. "The UNIT guys?" Dana asked. "I thought you got eaten by zombies!"

"We survived," Trigger said. "Barely."

"I used Trigger as a human shield," Powers said. "He cried like a baby."

"What? Hey!" Trigger said, sounding nervous. "Not in front of the special-ops guys!"

Powers held up a digital tablet. "This is security footage of a government waste facility." he explained. "At o'four hundred hours last night, someone robbed three hundred gallons of dangerous waste."

"What?" Silvia asked. "You think that's me?"

"Don't play dumb with us, Pines," Powers said.

"But I actually am dumb!" Silvia said as she was led away by an agent. "Last night I was restocking the gift shop!"

"Wait!" Marcus said. "You've got the wrong person! Our Graunt Silvia is an honest sales artist! She's not some evil super-villain!"

"Listen, kid," Powers said. "We've been watching your family all summer and we've seen some disturbing things. But nothing as dangerous as what your great-aunt is hiding. Somewhere hidden in this hut is a doomsday device!" He handed Trigger the tablet. "Trigger, you take the children. I'll talk to Ms. Pines."

Trigger snapped his fingers and pointed at the twins. Two agents approach them and led them into a police car. Once they got in, the door shut behind them. Looking out the window, Dana and Marcus saw Silvia in a government vehicle.

"You have to believe me!" Silvia said to Dana and Marcus, tapping on the window with her cuffed hands. "The UNIT guys are all wrong!"

With that, the two cars drove off in different directions.

* * *

At the Gravity Falls police station, Silvia was getting her mug shots taken, her prints taken, and then she was sitting in front of a bulletin board with various pictures attached to strings that all meet up to a picture of her.

"Silvia Pines, if that _is_ your real name, you stand accused of theft of government waste," Powers said. "How do you plead to this charge?"

"Innocent," Silvia responded. "Now can I have my phone call?"

* * *

Over at a fast food restaurant, Salls was at the drive-thru. "Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy."

"Salls!"

"Ms. Pines?" Salls asked. She touched drive-thru lumberjack-speaker. "Is this some sort of possession situation?"

"Just pick up!"

Salls picked up a walkie-talky. "Ms. Pines, what happened?" she asked. "I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food."

"Listen, I need something from you," Silvia said through the walkie-talky. "You know that vending machine in the gift shop? I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

Salls put down the walkie-talky. "Time for a repair girl to become a repair woman," she said. She proceeded to drive wildly through a hedge.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dana and Marcus were in the car with Trigger. Powers spoke through a video link at the front of the vehicle. "We've got Ms. Pines in custody," he said. "Our men are searching the hut for the device. You take care of those kids."

Marcus gasped. "What're you gonna do to us?" he asked.

"We'll be taking you to child services," Trigger answered. "But as for your sister, she will be taken for experimentation due to her unusual birthmark and strange ability to understand Circular Gallifreyan."

"What?!" Dana asked, alarmed. "You're separating us?!"

"Afraid so," Trigger replied. "In the meantime, enjoy some mindless reality TV, designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions."

 **"I'm about to make the incision..."**

 **"KER-PRANK!"**

 **"You're watching KER-PRANK'D with Janet Kerprank!"**

"Dana, this is crazy," Marcus said. "There's no way Graunt Silvia was stealing hazardous waste! We gotta clear her name!"

Dana spotted the camera at the front of the car. "Wait a minute, the security tapes!" she said. "Didn't Graunt Silvia say she was restocking the gift shop last night? If we could get the Surprise Hut surveillance tapes, we could prove she's innocent!"

"We just need to think of a way out of here," Marcus said.

As if on cue, a random black car rammed into the government vehicle, which went into a spin and fell off the road into the forest, crashing into the trees. Trigger got stuck between the car and a tree branch, and he struggled to get free.

Marcus opened the door, allowing him and Dana to leave the car. "What just happened?" she asked.

"I don't know," Marcus said. "But it was a lucky break for us."

"Backup!" Trigger said. "Requesting backup!" But then Dana pulled the earpiece out of Trigger's ear and crushed it on the ground.

"Come on, Dana," Marcus said. "We're gonna go clear our great-aunt's name."

"Oh, you poor kids," Trigger said. "You really think your great-aunt's innocent? I've seen it all before. "False names, double lives... One minute they're playing with water balloons, the next they're building doomsday devices. Your great-aunt tricked the whole world. Are you gonna let her trick you as well?"

"You..." Dana hesitated. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"You're gonna regret this!" Trigger called out as the twins walked away.

* * *

Meanwhile, Silvia was still in the interrogation room, checking her wristwatch device. Suddenly the device blinked, reading 'ANOMALY IN PROGRESS'. The coffee on the table floated out of its cup, along with the cup itself and various items, then crashed back down. That gave Silvia an idea.

* * *

In the center of town, cars, objects, and people floated off the ground and then fell back suddenly. "Is it just me, or did the entire world just hiccup?" the woman biker asked.

"I'm sure it's just a baby-sized earthquake," Samuel said.

* * *

In the junkyard, Old Woman McGucket was in her shack, packing a bag. "It's happening!" she told her raccoon husband. "It's finally happening! He's gonna come through that there portal tonight!"

* * *

Back at the Surprise Hut, it was still surrounded by agents. Dana and Marcus hid in a nearby bush. "Alright, here's the plan," Marcus said. "I'll take out those two guard guys, you punch the other dude in the neck, and then we'll backflip through the front door!"

"Marcus, aren't you forgetting the simpler solution?" Dana asked.

"Oh, right," Marcus said.

Marcus' grappling hook shot overhead through the hut's now-broken window. Dana and Marcus slid along the rope into the hut.

* * *

When Dana and Marcus got into Silvia's office, they locked the door behind them. "Alright..." Dana said. "If I was Graunt Silvia, where would I hide those surveillance tapes?" She looked on the bookshelf and in a filing cabinet.

Marcus saw a robot head mounted on wall. "Wait!" he said. "That weird robot head!" He pressed down on the robot head, and the wall turned open to reveal an old-looking TV monitor and a tape player.

Marcus pointed to a tape halfway in the player. "It's this week!" he said. "This is it!" He pushed it in.

The TV monitor showed William, Salls, and Marcus in the Surprise Hut's gift shop, where Salls was doing the worm dance.

"Someone yelled 'Wormy Dance'," Marcus explained. "We had to! Fast-forward."

The tape fast-forwarded through several hours, revealing Silvia restocking the gift shop. "There it is!" Dana said. "Graunt Silvia restocking like she said! And the date shows it was last night! It's proof! She's innocent!"

On the tape, Silvia sneaked out of the shop at around 7pm. Dana fast forwarded through till 8pm, seeing that Silvia has not returned. "...Uhh-oh," she muttered.

At 5am, a figure in a haz-mat suit was wheeling barrels of radioactive waste into the gift shop. "You didn't..." Dana said.

"Don't panic," Marcus said. "That could be anyone in that suit!"

The figure dropped a barrel on his/her foot. "Sweet Gallifreyan deserts!" the figure exclaimed, speaking in a familiar voice.

Dana shut off the tape. "That's her, alright," she said.

"Okay, okay, so maybe Graunt Silvia stole some toxic waste," Marcus said. "That doesn't mean she's leading a nefarious double life!"

Dana pulled a box from under the TV screen. "Marcus, I'm not so sure about that..." She took a lamp from the desk and turned it on, revealing a box full of pictures of various women.

"What?" Marcus asked as he and Dana looked through the box. "What is all this?"

Dana picked up one of the pictures, which had an elderly woman. It was labeled 'War Years'. The brunette girl recognized the picture. "Marcus, it's the Guardian of Time and Space!" she said.

"Well that does resemble the picture Brandy showed up," Marcus recalled. "But why would Graunt Silvia have a picture of the Guardian?" He picked up a dusty VHS tape.

 **For the McGuckets, Nobles, and Pines**

"We're Pines," Dana said. "Maybe we should watch it."

Marcus put the tape in the VCR player. The monitor showed a young woman the twins never saw before. She had a tall, slim frame, finely boned hands and face, thick long brown hair tied up in a messy ponytail, pale skin scattered with freckles, and large, dark brown eyes. She wore a brown woman's suit, black leggings, and white converse sneakers.

 **"Hello. I'm the Guardian. If you happen to stumble across this video, I have some instructions for you. First of all, if whoever is watching this video isn't related to the McGuckets, Nobles, or Pines, I order you to turn off this video immediately. But if you are related to the McGuckets, Nobles, or Pines, please continue watching. I have some tragic news I must tell you.**

 **"For the McGuckets, I am sorry to tell you that your daughter has undergone permanent amnesia. She lost all of her memories and there is no way she'll ever recover. I am deeply sorry about this news.**

 **"For the Nobles, your son has vanished. He disappeared off the face of the Earth and there is no way I can ever retrieve him. I know how much you care about him, but there is nothing I can do about this. I am so sorry for your loss.**

 **"For the Pines... Well... There's no easy way to say this. Silvia Pines is dead."**

"WHAT?!" Dana asked.

 **"I know you're shocked by this news, but it's true. Silvia was electrocuted to death. I buried her right near the hut. I know you'll probably hate me for this Filbrick, but there was nothing I could do about this. I am terribly sorry for her death.**

 **"But the thing is, before she died, Silvia developed a bit of a reputation in this town. She created a little museum showcasing all of the jewelry she collected over the years. She even had a shop to sell trinkets, calling herself a sales artist instead of a con artist. Because of this, I don't want anyone to get suspicious about her 'sudden disappearance', so I have a plan.**

 **"I will use up my final regeneration to take Silvia's place. But it won't be enough. Using a device called the Chameleon Arc, I will also become a pure human with all of Silvia's memories. It will be like she never died at all. I know I already have a life as Gallifreyan's Lady President, but I have already passed that role down to my trusted advisor: Rassilon, also known as Blind Ivan.**

 **"So starting from this day, July 4, 1982, I will no longer be the Guardian. I will become Silvia Pines in body and memory. If you ever do come across me, I want you to treat me like you would treat your daughter.**

 **"But there is a catch. This device is called a Fob Watch. I have programmed it to open automatically if my greatest enemy returns, allowing me to become the Guardian once more. But Silvia will no longer exist. In time I will expose myself to the world when that happens.**

 **"But remember: Don't blame me for Silvia's death. It was not my fault at all. It was the beast's fault. It's always his fault."**

The video ended. "Graunt Silvia is dead and we've been living with the Guardian of Time and Space this whole time?!" Dana asked, still shocked. "It doesn't make any sense!"

"There has to be some explanation," Marcus said. "Maybe we're getting Ker-Prank'd! Janet Kerprank is gonna jump up from behind one of these plants!" He scooted forward and looked into a potted plant. "...Any minute, Janet."

"I can't believe it," Dana said. "This whole summer I've been looking for answers, and the biggest mystery was right under our nose." She opened a drawer in the desk, revealing the truth teeth. There was a post-it note attached to it that read 'They can't know the truth yet.'.

Marcus dug through the pictures. "There's gotta be some kind of explanation in here somewhere." He pulled out a slip of paper. "What the... 'Secret Code to TARDIS'?"

"Let me see that," Dana said. She took out her journal and portable black light. "'A1, B, C3'... I've never seen a code like this."

"Wait, I have!" Marcus said. "Dana, this 'TARDIS' must be the vending machine!"

* * *

Back at the police station, Silvia, who is actually the Guardian, was checking the wristwatch device. Powers entered the interrogation room with two other agents. "Alright, Pines," he said. "Playtime is over. Chopper's ready to dust off to Washington. I'll enjoy putting you away."

"Can we stick around for maybe one minute?" the Guardian asked. "One minute and thirty seconds?"

"We're not falling for your games, Pines," Powers said. "You've been running your whole life. Your time is finally up."

"Bathroom break?" the Guardian asked. "Just give me fifteen seconds!"

Powers unlocked the Guardian's handcuffs. "Sorry, but you've got a flight to catch."

The watch began to beep. "Oh, yeah?" the Guardian asked. "So do you."

Suddenly, everything floated up from the floor. The Guardian kicked the table into the agents. She then hit Powers with the back of her chair, turned over, thrusted away from the wall, caught the cuff key in her hands, and un-cuffs herself.

"Get back here!" Powers exclaimed. "Men, get her!"

The Guardian kicked one of the agents in the chest and hopped from agent to agent out of the room. She then slammed the door in Powers' face, locking it. Her watch beeped and gravity was working again.

* * *

Outside, everything hit the ground again, and the Guardian ran out of the station to a taxi. "Do you know where the Surprise Hut is?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah?" the driver replied.

"Here's a hundred bucks," the Guardian said, giving the driver some money. "Drive as far away from the Hut as possible, and don't stop when the cops start chasing you.

The driver shrugged and sped away, while the Guardian hid behind a wrecked car as the agents came out of the station.

"She's getting away!" Powers exclaimed. "Obviously, follow that cab!"

* * *

At the Surprise Hut, Salls snuck in to guard the vending machine. To her surprise, the twins approached her.

"Salls?" Dana asked.

"Oh, kids!" Salls said. "Where've you been?"

"What are you doing here?" Dana asked.

"Silvia gave me a mission to protect this machine," Salls answered. She chuckled. "And I thought I loved snacks."

"Salls, listen," Dana said. "Something huge is going on here. If Graunt Silvia is hiding some dangerous secret, we need to find out what it is! I need you to step aside."

"Yeah, just let us through so we can prove this is all just a big misunderstanding," Marcus said.

"Guys, I know this seems crazy, but I promised Silvia I would guard this with my life," Salls said.

"I'm sorry, Salls," Marcus said. He blew a handful of glitter directly into Salls' face.

"Aah! Attack glitter!" Salls exclaimed. "It's pretty, but it hurts!"

Dana and Marcus jumped on Salls. "Aww, c'mon, I don't wanna fight you guys!" Salls said. "This hurts me more than it hurts you!"

Dana reacheed for the number pad and enters the code. To her surprise, the vending machine swung forward, shoving them to the floor. The three coughed, then gasped at the secret passage behind the machine.

Salls led the way down the stairs. "It's like something from a video game..." she said.

"Or a dream..." Marcus said.

"...Or a nightmare," Dana said.

* * *

After taking an elevator, Dana, Marcus, and Salls arrived in some kind of lab. "Guys, are we dreaming?" Marcus asked. "Somebody wake me up."

"This can't be real..." Dana said.

"I don't understand," Salls said. "Why would Ms. Pines have all this?"

"Because she's not Silvia Pines," Dana said. "Turns out she's actually the Guardian that Blind Ivan mentioned.

"Okay, okay, so she's got a huge gigantic lab," Marcus said. "That doesn't mean anything bad! Everyone's got secrets! The Guardian is still Graunt Silvia, and she loves us. And we love her. Right?"

Dana looked at the desk. "It can't be..." she said. "It's impossible... The other two journals?! All this time... all this time, the Guardian had the first one and kept the second one for herself?! I can't believe it! Was anything she said to us real?!" She kicked the desk. "Why would she have those journals?!"

"Maybe because she's friends with McGucket," Salls said, recalling Old Woman McGucket's memories.

"Or maybe she stole them from her!" Dana cried out. "Maybe Blind Ivan lied to us and she _is_ a master criminal, and this machine is her master plan!"

Dana opened the first journal to the page with the portal on it and turns on her black light. She gasped.

"What is it?" Marcus asked, seeing four circular markings on the pages. Dana read the the message aloud.

 **The lone wanderer, lost in Hell,**  
 **He still has one last tale to tell,**  
 **When the portal opens, he will return,**  
 **And through him, Gravity Falls will burn.**

The three looked at the countdown clock, now reading one minute, thirty seconds. "It's the final countdown!" Salls exclaimed. "Just like they always sung about!"

Dana flipped through the journal to a page reading 'MANUAL OVERRIDE'. "The agents were right!" Dana said. "We have to shut it down!"

* * *

The three entered the portal room as the ground began to shake. "There! Quick!" Dana said. "Turn these, together!"

Dana, Marcus, and Salls turned three keys. A device near the center of the room popped open to reveal a large red button. "That's it! The shutdown switch!" Dana said. She was ready to press the button. "This all stops...now!"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT BUTTON!"

It was the Guardian, who was standing in the doorway with her silver and black cane. "Dana, just back away," she begged. But Dana's hand remained suspended inches over the button.

"Please don't press that shutdown button," the Guardian said. "You have trust me."

"And I should trust you why, Guardian?!" Dana asked, angry tears coming from her eyes. "After you stole radioactive waste?! After you trocked me and Marcus all summer?! I don't even know who you are!"

"I know this all seems nuts, but I need that machine to stay on!" the Guardian said. "If you would just let me explain-"

Suddenly, Dana, Marcus, Salls, and the Guardian were lifted off the ground. Dana hit a wooden support and grabbed on.

"Dana!" Marcus exclaimed. He was hooked onto a wire over the stand the button was on.

"Marcus! Hurry!" Dana exclaimed. "Shut it down!"

Marcus crawled along the wire toward the button. "No!" the Guardian exclaimed. "Marcus, wait! Stop!"

Salls knocked the Guardian away from Marcus. "Salls, what are you doing?!" the Elderly Timelady asked. "I gave you an order!"

"Sorry, Ms. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now!" Salls said. "Protecting these kids!"

Dana pushed off from the support beam and hit the Guardian. "Go!" the brunette girl said. "Marcus, press the red button! Shut it down!"

"No, you can't!" the Guardian said. She shoved Dana away. "You have to trust me!"

Marcus remained silent. "Listen to me," the Guardian said. "Remember this morning when I said I wanted to tell you something?"

The portal flashed and pushed Dana, the Guardian, and Salls against the opposite wall. Marcus was prepared to push the button.

"I wanted to say that you're going hear some bad things about me, but trust me," the Guardian said. "Everything I have worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!"

"Marcus, what if she's lying?!" Dana asked, knowing the Guardian was no longer wearing her truth teeth. "Whatever comes out of that thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!"

"You have to believe me, Marcus!" the Guardian begged. "I am not a bad person!"

"She's lying!" Dana said. "Shut it down NOW!"

"Marcus, please!" the Guardian said.

Marcus looked away and lowered his hand to the button, then looks at Guardian. Then he lifted his hand. "You're still Graunt Silvia to me," he said as he let go of the stand and floated up.

"MARCUS, ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Dana shrieked. "WE'RE ALL GONNA-"

Suddenly, Dana, the Guardian, Salls, and Marcus all disappeared in an explosion of light as each of them screamed. Then everything came down to earth. The portal, now a mess of tangled wires and metal, glowed bright blue. Marcus was nowhere to be seen.

But then, a figure emerged from the portal, the blue light fading behind him. He carried Marcus with one arm. He walked forward, placing Marcus back on the ground.

"What...?" Dana asked. "Who is that?"

The man pulled off his goggles, revealing a new face with green eyes. His hair was auburn-grey and the area around his mouth was covered by a scruffy beard. He wore a brown jacket that had orange leather patches on the elbows. Underneath his coat, he wore an orange shirt and blue jeans that were covered in stitched-up patches, with each leg containing a small navy blue pocket. He also donned bulky black boots and a brown belt that slung from his shoulder. He also wore a second belt across his waist where he kept a small gun and a knife.

The Guardian looked up and smiled wide. "My last companion..." she said. "Daniel Noble."

* * *

 **A/N: This will be the last chapter I post until the Gravity Falls series finale. I'm sorry to do this, but due to not knowing about a certain canon character's backstory, I cannot continue on with the story. Once the series finale airs, I will post the next chapter: A Tale of a Timelady, which will include a completely different backstory. See you then!**


	13. A Tale of a Timelady

**A/N: With the series finale coming in a few weeks, I decided to work on the chapters some more. But it won't be as frequent due to the unknown mystery regarding Bill's backstory. I will only post two more chapters after this one, but as soon as the series finale airs, I will finally complete the series.**

* * *

"Finally!" the Guardian said. "After all these long years, you're actually here! Welcome back, Daniel!"

"Yeah, well, thanks for the help," Daniel said. "But I didn't really need it."

The Guardian smiled warmly. "You missed me, didn't you?"

"Oh, of course I did, Spacewoman!" Daniel said. Then he and the Guardian embraced in a friendly hug, smiling and laughing joyously.

"Hey, hi," Marcus said, interrupting the heartfelt moment between the old friends. "Marcus here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!"

The Guardian and Daniel parted. "That reminds me," Daniel said. "Who exactly are these kids, Guardian?"

"They're Silvia's great-niece and great-nephew," The Guardian explained. "Dana and Marcus Pines."

"Then I guess it was a good thing I rescued this one from being sucked up into the portal," Daniel said.

"Thanks for that, by the way," Marcus said.

"Just thought it was the right thing to do," Daniel said. He looked over at Dana, and his eyes widened. "Whoa... It can't be!"

"What?" Dana asked. "What can't be?"

"Aside from the boy clothes and the ponytail with bangs, you look just like Silvia," Daniel commented.

"Oh please," the Guardian said. "I can't get her to wear a formal dress for the life of me."

"She wore one to the Southeast ball," Marcus recalled.

"Against my will!" Dana pointed out.

"So Guardian, are there any security breaches?" Daniel asked. "Does anyone else know about our project?"

"No, just us," the Guardian said. "And UNIT."

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said. "UNIT is involved?! How did that happen?!"

"Apparently they were spying on us the entire summer," the Guardian guessed.

"And you let them?!" Daniel asked.

"I wasn't exactly myself," the Guardian explained. "I was pretending to be Silvia for the past thirty years."

"Oh sure, because that was more important than keeping our project a secret!" Daniel said sarcastically.

"Well it looks like we're stuck down here for a while," Marcus said. "Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?"

"Yeah, Guardian, no more lies!" Dana said. "You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? What's the deal with this TARDIS thing?"

"And what happened between you and your friends?" Marcus asked.

"I hope all this aligns exactly with my fanfic, Guardian," Salls said. "If not, I will be very disappointed."

"I'll start," Daniel said. "This whole thing started back in the sixties, in a town called Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey. It was just me, Franny, and Silvia. Together we were the Mystery Trio. We each had a role to contribute to the group. Franny had an abnormally high IQ and an interest in exploring, making her the leader. Since I was the only one who took kickboxing lessons, I handled most of the heavy work. Then there was Silvia Pines, the most beautiful girl in the entire town. You should have seen her. She used to prance around in costume dresses and plastic shoes, saying her parents called her a princess. She mostly tagged along for the fun. But as different as we were, we were the perfect team. Every day we would explore the town, looking for a new discovery. Then one day, our whole lives changed when Franny decided to explore the local junkyard..."

* * *

The Mystery Trio entered a junkyard. The three kids looked so different, their appearances matching their personalities. Silvia had long brown curly hair and she wore a pink long-sleeved costume dress with matching plastic shoes. Franny had shoulder-length light brown hair and she wore glasses, a green t-shirt, denim overalls, and black shoes. Daniel had short auburn hair and he wore a white t-shirt, dark blue jeans, and brown shoes.

"What are we even doing in this filthy place?" Silvia asked, speaking in an unnatural high-pitched voice (which was due to her mother's constant smoking). "My shoes are going to get dirty!"

"Lighten up, princess," Daniel said. "Franny said there was something strange in this place."

"Precisely," Franny said. "Recently there have been reportings of a strange vending machine in this junkyard."

"What makes it so strange anyway?" Daniel asked.

"It looks so advanced," Franny explained. "Doesn't look like any vending machines we see at school. And I heard the food prices are so expensive!"

"Does it have some kind of glass cover?" Silvia asked.

"I'm not sure," Franny said. "Why do you ask?"

"Because that vending machine looks so different," Silvia said, pointing to a vending machine.

The three kids were amazed. They approached the vending machine in awe, looking at the contents.

"Amazing!" Franny said. "The labels on these candy products look so different!"

Silvia looked at the prices. "Holy smokes!" she exclaimed. "A whole dollar for a package of Gummy Koalas! Whoever owned this vending machine must have been wealthy to afford such a thing."

"So what now?" Daniel asked. "We can't exactly collect it."

Franny took out a notepad and started sketching the vending machine. "I don't think there's anything we can do," she said. "We'll just have to call this Anomaly Number Twenty-Three and continue on with our exploring."

Suddenly, the vending machine cracked open, making the kids gasp and step back. Daniel stood in front of the girls. "Get back guys," he said, holding an arm in front of Silvia. "I got this."

When the vending machine opened, a young woman stepped out. She had a tall, slim frame, finely boned hands and face, thick long brown hair tied up in a messy ponytail, pale skin scattered with freckles, and large, dark brown eyes. She wore a brown woman's suit, black leggings, and white converse sneakers. The kids recognized her as Jane Smith, the substitute physics teacher at their school.

"What?" Jane asked, speaking in a British accent. "What are you three doing here?"

"We're explorers!" Daniel said proudly. "The Mystery Trio of Glass Shard Beach!"

"What are you doing here, Ms. Smith?" Franny asked.

"Well... It's kind of complicated..." Jane said. Was she nervous?

"Something doesn't feel right," Franny said. "What's going on? What are you doing in the junkyard?"

"Yeah, we want answers!" Daniel said.

"I don't know, guys," Silvia said. "Maybe we should stay out of this..." She started to back away, but Franny grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving.

"Oh, alright," Jane said. "But you three have to promise me that you won't tell anyone what I'm about to show you." And with that, she led the kids inside the 'vending machine' and closed the door.

* * *

One elevator ride later, Jane led the trio to a high-tech control room. The kids were amazed with this.

"Amazing!" Franny said. "It's like this whole interior is set in some kind of alternate dimension!"

"Yes, that's precisely it," Jane said. "Aren't you a smart girl?"

"Well I don't know what that means, but it looks like this vending machine is smaller on the outside," Daniel said.

Silvia was in awe. "What is this vending machine anyway?" she asked.

"First of all, this isn't a vending machine," Jane said. "It's called a TARDIS, and ever since the Chameleon Circuit broke, its exterior has been stuck on '21st Century Vending Machine' mode."

"That would explain why the prices look so expensive, Ms. Smith," Franny said.

"Secondly, stop calling me that," Jane said. "Jane Smith is merely an alias I use. I would rather like it if you call me the Guardian."

"The guardian of what?" Silvia asked.

"Just the Guardian," the Guardian said.

"So what are you doing in the junkyard, Guardian?" Franny asked.

"Oh, just some complex interdimensional research," the Guardian said. "No biggie."

But Franny was already interested. "Can we help?" she asked.

"Oh no," the Guardian said. "You three probably have an education to focus on. And you don't want to get involved with my work. Besides, the last time I had a child companion, it ended with disaster."

"How bad was it?" Daniel asked.

The Guardian simply put on a high-tech helmet. When she did, a nearby monitor played back a small movie, chronicling events that happened in the past. After an agonized scream was heard, the trio was shocked.

"And that's why I refuse to take children with me," the Guardian said, taking off her helmet.

"Relax," Daniel said. "We're nothing like that kid. We come from good families and kids rarely make fun of us."

"Tell you what," the Guardian said. "If you three are still interested in my work by the time you graduate high school, I'll let you be my new companions. Deal?"

"Deal," Franny said.

"I'm in," Daniel said.

"Sure, why not?" Silvia asked.

* * *

"Our lives were never the same since then," Daniel said. "Every Saturday we would visit the junkyard and the Guardian would tell us about one of her many past adventures. But while Franny and I remained the same, Silvia had drastically changed. Sure she still saw herself as a princess, but she slowly developed an obsession with space travel, wondering what exactly the galaxy had to offer. She eventually did give up the costume dresses and plastic shoes, but by then she had become a flower child. You should have seen her during that time. She had fakes flowers braided in her long hair and she wore sandals and casual dresses. Then one day, she was called down to the principal's office. I'm not sure what happened there, but something led to her enrolling in the Timelord Academy."

"Timelord Academy?" Dana asked.

"Ah, yes, the Timelord Academy," the Guardian said. "I was there when young Silvia was called down to the principal's office. I remember what happened as if it was yesterday..."

* * *

Silvia entered the office. She still had long curly hair, but it was decorated with fake flowers. She wore a long-sleeved flowery light blue dress and white sandals. She saw that her parents were there and she sat in the chair between them. The Guardian was also present, standing next to the principal's desk.

"Now, Mr. and Mrs. Pines, I'd like to speak with you very frankly if I may," the principal said.

"Very frankly is the only way I speak," Filbrick Pines said.

"You have a daughter, and she's always daydreaming about space travel," the principal continued.

"What're ya sayin'?" Melissa Pines asked.

"At first I thought this was a problem," the principal said. "I was originally going to snap the young lady out of it. I mean, a woman in space? That's unheard of!"

"Now listen here," Filbrick said, speaking in a stern tone. "My daughter loves the idea of traveling in space. I won't let you take away the only thing that gives her happiness!"

"Yeah," Melissa agreed. "And we fully support the dreams of our little free-spirited princess."

"Hold on," the principal said. "I talked to Jane over here about this since she started Silvia's interest in space, and she offered an alternate route. Ms. Smith?"

"There's a special school that will accept your daughter," the Guardian said. "It's called the Timelord Academy." She gave Silvia a pamphlet. "Usually they only accept students at the age of eight, but I was able to make an exception. If Silvia was to attend the academy, she would participate in a three-year program, learning all about the wonders of space. She would learn about botany, thermodynamics, cybernetics, and cosmic science among many subjects."

"I'm impressed," Filbrick said.

"So whaddya think, Silvia?" Melissa asked. "Does this sound like the right college for ya?"

"Of course," Silvia said happily. Even after puberty, her voice was rather high-pitched.

* * *

"Wow, this story's so happy!" Marcus said.

"But, wait, what about you and McGucket?" Dana asked Daniel.

"The Guardian offered to tutor us," Daniel explained. "And by the time, me, Franny, and Silvia graduated high school, we were ready to begin our journey."

* * *

After a tearful goodbye to her parents, Silvia arrived at the junkyard and entered the TARDIS. "Alright Guardian, I'm ready for my new life at Timelord Academy."

Daniel and Franny were also in the TARDIS. Franny wore a black and white suit, while Daniel wore a dark yellow t-shirt, dark brown jeans, and black sneakers. The two were both excited for Silvia.

"You're going to do great, Sils," Franny said.

"We believe in you," Daniel encouraged.

"Alright, that's everyone," the Guardian said. "Next stop: Gallifrey!" She pulled on a lever, activating the TARDIS.

* * *

"So for the next three years, while Silvia was learning all about space travel, me and Franny explored time and space with the Guardian," Daniel said. "We came across all different kinds of galaxies and facing all different kinds of foes. We fought Cybermen, Autons, Sontarans, and so many other creatures. But the Guardian warmed us of her greatest enemy: a race called the Ciphers. They were evil demons from another reality. They were defeated in a great Time War the Guardian participated in many years ago, so thankfully we didn't have to worry about them."

"So what happened after Graunt Silvia graduated?" Dana asked.

"You should have seen her," the Guardian said. "She had come a long way. She was fluent in Circular Gallifreyan and she was proud to become an honorary Timelady. I even gave her a blue and white pine tree hat as a graduation present."

"My hat," Dana realized.

"Yep, it's the exact same hat," the Guardian continued. "But shortly after Silvia's graduation, something tragic happened..."

* * *

It was a typical day in the TARDIS. The Mystery Trio had changed their appearance since they started traveling with the Guardian. Silvia's hair was still long and curly and she wore a blue and white dress, white high heels, and her blue and white pine tree hat. Franny wore a green floral shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes. Daniel wore an orange shirt, blue jeans, and black boots.

"Daniel, for the last time, there's no planet of the women!" the Guardian said.

"Yeah right," Daniel said. "You said there are billions of planets in existence. There has to be some planet out there full of beautiful women walking around in nothing but bikinis."

Suddenly, the TARDIS landed somewhere. "That's weird," Franny said. "It just landed all of a sudden."

The Guardian fiddled with the controls. "I can't seem to set in coordinates," she said, putting on a pair of glasses. "It's as if the entire thing was shut down."

"Wait, so we're stuck here?" Silvia asked.

"Don't think of it as being stuck," the Guardian said, taking off her glasses. "Now come on. Let's see where the TARDIS has land."

* * *

The Guardian and the Mystery Trio stepped outside. They were in the middle of some kind of forest. "Great," Daniel said sarcastically. "Congratulations Guardian. You sent us to another planet that's about to go through a solar flare."

"No I didn't," the Guardian said. "It looks like we're on Earth." She pulled out a handheld device. "Yep! Earth," she said, checking the device. "To be precise, we have landed in Gravity Falls, Oregon in the year 1975. And it appears to be in-sync to your present timelines."

"So what now?" Franny asked.

"I visited this place once before," the Guardian said. "A large number of our foes are in this place."

"No problem," Daniel said, cracking his knuckles. "I already know how to disable Cybermen."

"Not the serious threat like Cybermen," the Guardian continued. "Small threat like floating eyeballs, gnomes, and sirens."

"So what should we do, Guardian?" Silvia asked.

"We explore this town," the Guardian said. "And if possible, defeat the evil threats before any innocent locals discover them."

* * *

"So for the past few years, we faced off against the most deadliest creatures ever," the Guardian said. "During our first year, Franny decided to record our findings so we would be able to face off against them in the future. That was when she decided to keep a journal-"

Dana let out an excited squeal. "THE JOURNALS!" She realized everyone in the room was staring at her. "Sorry, sorry," she cleared her throat. "Just got excited there...about the journals... Keep- Keep talking."

"Franny decided to keep a journal-" the Guardian said.

Dana excitedly squealed again.

"Ignoring that..." the Guardian said. "There were evil creatures everywhere. Even new ones we never saw before, like alien shapeshifters. But as time passed, Silvia decided to come up with a full-proof cover to make sure the locals didn't get suspicious..."

* * *

Silvia led a group of locals into the newly-developed 'Surprise Hut'. "Step right up, folks," she happily said, using the treasure she and her friends discovered as a museum. "Welcome to a world of enchantment and all things glittery! Gaze in wonder at the-"

"Ah! My eye!"

Silvia ran over to a young Samuel Wentworth, who had just lost his eye due to it being unexpectedly poked with a floating crystal.

"I'm so sorry about that, sir," Silvia said, giving Samuel $15. "Here's a full refund. I hope you feel better."

* * *

"So that explains why the Surprise Hut exists," Marcus said.

"Oh, that Silvia," the Guardian said. "She quickly gained a reputation as the town's honest sales artist."

"Yeah, I remember that," Daniel said. "She was so busy with the showmanship that she often forgot about us and our special project."

"What was the project?" Salls asked.

"It started when Franny had an unusual dream," the Guardian explained. "She told us that she met an unnamed muse who told her about the ability to unlock a portal to other worlds. It would work just like the TARDIS, but better. And after years of hard work, we finally finished it. But that was when it all went downhill..."

* * *

"Alright everyone," Silvia said happily, holding a video camera. "Today's July 4, 1982, and we're about to make history!"

"Silvia, put that camera away," the Guardian said.

"Aw..." Silvia said, putting the camera down.

"Okay Mystery Trio," the Guardian said. "It has been ten years since I first took you as my companions, and we have come along way. But no matter what happens after this, I want you to know that our future together will remain bright."

"I certainly won't forget any of this," Franny said.

"Me neither," Daniel said.

"Now let's get this portal open!" Silvia cheered.

And so, the four activated the portal. It worked! The machine was a success!

"We did it, team," the Guardian said happily. "Now let's prepare the test dummy so we can-"

But suddenly, the light blue glow that came from the portal turned dark red, and electricity started sparking. The symbols on the portal became coded in Circular Gallifreyan. "Wait, what's going on?" Daniel asked.

Silvia translated the markings. "'Game is over and I've won'," she read. "'Now it's time to start the fun'?"

Suddenly, a laugh was heard from the portal. Then...

POP!

A dream demon emerged from the portal. "Hiya, smart girl," he told Franny.

Franny noticed Daniel and Silvia looked concerned. "It's okay," the southern young woman explained. "This is my muse, the one who gave us the blueprints to the portal."

"That's no muse!" the Guardian said, readying her Sonic Screwdriver. "That's a Cipher, and he tricked you!"

"Ding ding ding ding ding!" the Cipher said. "Name's Bill Cipher."

"I don't understand!" Silvia told the Guardian. "You said you killed the Ciphers!"

"Not exactly," Bill said. "You see, after the Time War, my home dimension started decaying. My friends and I have been looking for a new home ever since, so we decided to tackle either Dimension 46 or 63!"

"You're not taking this dimension!" the Guardian said. "Kids, get ready to shut down the portal!"

And so, Daniel, Franny, and Silvia activated the portal override switch. Silvia ran over to the switch and was ready to press the red button-

ZAP!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Silvia collapsed to the ground as something flew into the portal. Daniel ran over to her body and checked for a pulse. "No..." he sadly muttered. "NO!"

Bill just simply laughed. "How about that?" he asked. "She died before you could tell her how much you love her!"

"You did this!" Daniel angrily exclaimed, looking straight at Bill.

"Sure I did," Bill said. "What's your point?"

Without warning, Daniel tackled Bill towards the portal, sucking them both in. And after a huge flash of electricity, the portal shut down by itself.

"Franny, are you alright?" the Guardian asked.

"Does this _look_ like I'm alright?!" Franny angrily asked. "My only two friends are gone thanks to that...thing!" She started crying. "I just want to forget the pain..."

* * *

"So I contacted the High Council of Timelords to see if they could use a Confession Dial to help Franny forget the pain after she buried two of her three journals," the Guardian said. "Unfortunately, they told me that it worked too well and she completely forgot everything. I felt so bad about losing all three of my trusted companions in one day. Then I realized that everyone in town would notice the honest sales artist's sudden death, so I created a video for the McGuckets, Nobles, and Pines explaining what happened to their kids, and used a device called the Chameleon Arc as I forced one last regeneration to completely take Silvia's identity. I spent the past thirty years as her, until now." She looked over at Daniel. "Bill invaded my mind recently, which automatically activated the Fob Watch that stored my Timelady essence. Since then I spent most of my time trying to activate the portal so I could get you back."

"So all this time you were just trying to save your only remaining friend," Dana said. "Guardian, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you."

"That's okay," the Guardian said. "I should have been more honest with you."

Suddenly, loud crashes were heard from upstairs. "Aw, man," Salls said. "I was so spellbound by your dramatic tale I forgot all about those UNIT guys."

Then everything became quiet. "That's weird," the Guardian said. "Unless..."

* * *

Outside, the Guardian, Dana, Marcus, Salls, and Daniel were surprised to see the everyone from UNIT was gone. "What just happened?" Dana asked. "Where are all the UNIT agents?"

The Guardian picked up a stray business card that read 'Torchwood -You're Welcome'. She smiled. "Let's just say an old friend took care of things," she said.

* * *

That night, the Guardian and Daniel looked at themselves in the mirror. "Look at us," the Guardian said. "What's left of the great time-traveling team."

"So what now?" Daniel asked. "Thinking about getting back to our work?"

"Of course, Daniel," the Guardian answered with a smile. "But it probably won't feel the same without Franny and Silvia."

"I'm sure we can work it out with just us," Daniel said. He held out his hand. "Just like old times?"

The Guardian looked at the hand, then she smiled and shook hands with Daniel. "Just like old times," she replied.

* * *

"GAH!"

Marcus woke up and quickly ran over to Dana's room, only to see her in her bed, clutching her forehead in pain. "Oh great," he said, entering the room. "The headaches are back."

"They feel much worse than before!" Dana complained. "And I- GAH!"

Marcus held Dana in his arms. "It's okay, Stargirl," he said. "They have to go away eventually." He pushed back her bangs and his eyes widened. "Uh, sis?"

"What is it?" Dana asked, still in pain.

Marcus led Dana over to the vanity. To her surprise it looked like her birthmark was glowing bright red slightly. It died down after a few seconds, and the headaches vanished.

"Marcus, something tells there's something else going on in this town," Dana said, sounding a bit concerned.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Corduroy residence, William was sitting up in his bed with Salls on the phone.

"Okay, okay," Salls said. "So it turns out that the Silvia that we know was actually an alien called the Guardian, but the original Silvia died thirty years ago, but we didn't know until Daniel came out of the portal, which was built by the Guardian and her companions, but then the Guardian pretending to be Silvia, she did the portal, 'cause she's Silvia, but she's not Silvia."

"Salls, it's three in the morning!" William complained.

"Okay, okay, I understand," Salls said. "Anyway, act two: the Guardian started..."

William groaned and laid back on his bed.


	14. Mirrors of Albion: the Game

Things were never the same since Daniel's return. The Surprise Hut was temporarily closed for repairs due to the gravity anomalies caused by the portal. And at the moment, Marcus and Dana were in the gift shop, with Marcus filming Dana with a camera.

"Seriously bro?" Dana asked. "Is this necessary?"

"Do it!" Marcus ordered.

Sighing, Dana dully sang a song Marcus wrote.

 _I'm Dana, and I was wrong_  
 _I'm singing the Dana Wrong Song_  
 _I should have trusted the Guardian_  
 _And I almost ruined her plan_

"Do the kicks!" Marcus ordered. Dana began to kick midair. "Jazzier!" Marcus ordered, resulting in Dana doing weak jazz hands.

Unsure of the results, Marcus looked at Oinkers. "What do you think?" he asked.

The pig oinked in response. "Take thirty!" Marcus ordered, making Dana groan.

But before Dana could perform the song again, Daniel emerged from the TARDIS (which still looked like a vending machine) with a green creature on his wrist, making Dana and Marcus scream.

The Guardian rushed over to Daniel, clutching her cane. "Remember Daniel, don't let it taste human flesh!" she warned.

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Daniel replied. He punched the creature and it dropped off his hand. It began to crawl around the gift shop.

"What the?!" Dana yelped.

"Can we keep it?" Marcus asked.

Daniel chased the creature into a corner of the room. The Guardian rushed over to him and she pointed her cane at the creature, the silver orb opening up and revealing a green light. "I paralyzed it!" she said. "Now!"

Daniel shocked the creature with his gloves and held up its burnt body. "Yikes," he said, holding his nose. "Smells like zombie barf."

Dana ran over to Daniel and the Guardian. "Mr. Noble! Guardian! Do you need any help with that? I've read all about those creatures in McGucket's journal, and I think I know how to-"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said. "Look, you seem like a nice girl, but this stuff's too dangerous."

"Guardian?" Dana asked.

"He's right," the Guardian said. "You just have to accept that I no longer have time to spend with you." She looked over at her companion. "Come on, Daniel. Let's put this thing in a glass jar."

The two long-time friends entered the TARDIS. "Didn't know sonic devices come in cane mode," Daniel remarked.

"I use a cane now," the Guardian said as the TARDIS door closed. "Canes are both cool and classy."

"Maybe next time then?" Dana asked. "Or not? ...Or never?"

"Aww, Dana, don't take it so hard," Marcus said.

"But Marcus, ever since the encounter with Blind Ivan and the other Timelords, I've wanted to know who this mysterious Guardian of Time and Space was," Dana said. "Now she turns out to be impersonating Graunt Silvia and I can't even talk to her anymore."

"Don't worry about all that space stuff," Marcus said. "Besides, the feel-good musical episode of Psych is airing this Friday! That's all the excitement you'll need this week."

As Marcus happily sang a song that he saw in an exclusive sneak peak online, Dana looked at light coming from the TARDIS, a small frown on her face.

* * *

That afternoon, Marcus was writing in the living room. "Dear mom and dad," he said as he wrote. "We've been in Gravity Falls for a few months and so much has happened! Just yesterday gravity reversed itself, almost destroying the universe and totally wrecking the whole town! But the coolest part of the summer was when the Guardian's old friend came out of this portal-thingy. Now we have two caretakers for the price of one! And they make an awesome crime-fighting duo!"

Dana ran in with a box. "Marcus!" she exclaimed. "You'll never guess what I found at the store today!"

"Dogs with hats?" Marcus guessed.

"Nope," Dana said, opening the box. "It's the board game based on my favorite detective franchise of all time: Mirrors of Albion: the Game! You wanna play it with me?"

"Well I do like the whimsicalness of Alice in Wonderland," Marcus said. "How do you play?"

"The rules are simple," Dana said. She opened a game book. "Players take turns solving puzzles and fighting evil creatures in order to save Albion resident Alice Fleming from the clutches of the wicked puzzle master the Queen of Hearts. This is accomplished through different search-and-finds while under a certain time limit, although some puzzles require riddle-solving skills."

"And then we meet talking flowers?" Marcus asked.

"Yes," Dana said. "And...no. First we make an enemy chart."

Marcus groaned. "This is like Homework: the Game!" he complained.

"Come on, Marcus," Dana said. "I need at least two people to play."

Salls walked in. "Oh wow, would you look at that," Marcus said. "Two people!" He backed out.

"Hey, Salls," Dana said. "Up for a little game of Mirrors of Albion?"

"Aw, sorry, Dana," Salls said. "I don't go in for that detective kind of stuff. I'm more of an FCLORPer."

"A wha-?" Dana asked.

"FCLORP," Salls said. She held up a wristband with 'FCLORP' written on it. "Foam and Cardboard Legitimate Outdoor Role Play. It is where a passionate brethren of craftsman bring their dreams to magical reality."

"Well, thanks anyway, Salls," Dana said. She sighed sadly.

* * *

Dana was in the backyard with a goat with the game set up. She rolled some dice. "Oh, nice!" she said. "You found a bell in the Backstreets!"

The goat bleated. _"And...this is sad,"_ Dana thought. _"Maybe I should take a snack break."_

* * *

Dana entered the gift shop and headed over to the TARDIS to get a snack from its vending machine exterior. But as soon as she touched it, it swung open. This was odd, considering that entering the TARDIS required imputing a specific combination.

Dana wasn't sure what to do. She knew she wasn't allowed in the TARDIS, but a nagging feeling in the back of her head urged her to continue on. So without thinking clearly, she entered the TARDIS.

* * *

One elevator ride later, Dana arrived in a room in the TARDIS that was filled with computer monitors. She looked around, wondering why the TARDIS responded to her touch. Was this thing alive?

"Dana?"

Dana turned around, only to see Daniel. "Mr. Noble!" she yelped.

"What are you doing down here?" Daniel asked.

"Funny story," Dana said nervously. "I was just going to get a snack when the TARDIS swung open as soon as I touched it-"

"Wait," Daniel said, noticing something in Dana's hand. "What's that you're holding?"

"This?" Dana asked, giving the object to Daniel. "It's a game piece from Mirrors of Albion: the Game."

Daniel looked at the game piece. "Looks like my cat when she found the catnip," he said. He gave the game piece back to Dana.

"This particular character is Cheshire Jr.," Dana explained. "He's the main protagonist from the whole Mirrors of Albion franchise."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Cheshire?" Daniel asked. "As in the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland?"

"Yeah," Dana answered. "You like that movie?"

"'Course I like Alice in Wonderland," Daniel said. "It's my favorite movie in the whole multiverse. I can't believe it's still popular."

"It is!" Dana said excitedly. "And I've been looking all day for someone to play the board game with me!"

"Tell you what," Daniel said. "How about you teach me how to play this game of yours?"

"You'll really play with me?" Dana asked.

"Sure, why not?" Daniel replied.

* * *

 **A Few Days Later...**

Marcus and Oinkers were in the kitchen. "Okay, Oinkers," Marcus said. "I've got everything we need to watch the musical episode of Psych tomorrow." He held up a box full of food with a ramp. "I even made mouth-ramps so I can pour food into my mouth without taking my eyes off the screen. Now if only I could find Dana and get her hyped up over the episode..." He looked around the room. "Where is she, anyway?"

* * *

In the TARDIS, Daniel and Dana were playing Mirrors of Albion: the Game. "Okay, let's see..." Daniel said, looking at the character chart (since most of the protagonists were original characters). "You enter Alice's House. Lady Fleming begs for your assistance. But wait! There's a trap!"

Dana gasped.

"There's a puzzle created by..." Daniel checked the character chart again. "The Queen of Hearts? Is she the main antagonist of the game?"

"Yep," Dana answered. "But in the franchise, she's obsessed with creating puzzles instead of beheading people."

"Seems a bit different from the death-crazy madwoman I remember from the animated film," Daniel remarked.

"Mmm, yeah, the whole Alice in Wonderland story has gone through various remakes and redesigns over the years," Dana said. "Thankfully you missed the time when Tim Burton tried to make it 'darker'." She shuddered at the thought of the creepy and bland adaptation. "Must have been a dark time for Disney."

"Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions," Daniel said.

"Mr. Noble, I've been meaning to ask you," Dana said. "Where were you before you came out of that machine, and what have you and the Guardian been doing down here? Are you working on something behind that curtain?"

"It's better if you and your brother don't find out," Daniel said. "But I can show you something I brought back with me." He dumped out the contents of his bag and opened a box. "It's an infinity-sided die."

Dana smiled and gasped happily. "It looks so pretty!" she said, her naturally high-pitched voice squeaking.

"These things are outlawed in 9,000 dimensions," Daniel explained. "And there's a good reason why. Infinite sides means infinite outcomes. It's unpredictable if someone decided to roll it. Faces melt into jelly, the world turns into an egg... Anything can happen! That's why I have to keep it in this protective case. Now, back to the game. We were about to tackle one of the Queen of Hearts' puzzles..."

* * *

That night, Dana was planning out puzzles on the floor of her room, excitedly muttering to herself. Marcus entered the room, needing to check in on his sister.

"Dana, are you going to go to sleep?" Marcus asked. "You've been writing stuff down for hours."

"Sorry, Marcus, I have to finish these puzzles," Dana said. "They're going to totally stump Mr. Noble tomorrow. I can't wait to see the look on his face."

"You're, uh, spending a lot of time with Mr. Noble lately, huh?" Marcus asked.

"You have no idea," Dana said. "I knew an interdimensional traveler must be cool, but he's better than I imagined."

"Yeah, that's great," Marcus said. "Just don't stay up too late." With that, he headed over to his room.

But as Dana resumed puzzle-planning, she was completely unaware that her birthmark was glowing in-sync to her heartbeat...

* * *

The next day, Marcus and Gary were standing at the hut's doorway. Marcus was wearing a white t-shirt that had the Psych logo printed on the front.

"Thanks for coming over to watch the Psych musical episode, Gary," Marcus said.

"Of course!" Gary said with a smile. "I've always been a sucker for Broadway performances!"

Suddenly, a clock chimed, making Marcus gasp. "Viewing positions, everyone!" he exclaimed.

Gary and Marcus ran to the living room, but they stopped and gasped when they saw that Dana and Daniel had laid their game all over the room. "What on Earth is going on?!" Gary asked.

"Dana, could you maybe move this to another room?" Marcus asked.

"No way!" Daniel said, rolling the dice. "We're just getting started."

"We kinda ran out of room in the TARDIS and we're trying to go for a world record," Dana explained.

"Come on, Stargirl!" Marcus said. "Psych starts in a few minutes!"

Suddenly, the Guardian entered the room. "Daniel, did you seriously smuggle an infinity-sided die into this dimen-" She saw the condition of the room. "What is going on here?!"

"Oh, hey there, Guardian," Daniel said, acting nonchalant. "I was just playing Mirrors of Albion with Dana." He let out a heartfelt sigh. "If only Silvia was alive today. She would love-"

"GAH!"

Dana was clutching her forehead in pain, her birthmark glowing brightly. "Dana!" Marcus exclaimed, rushing over to her and hugging her.

With Dana's bangs clipped back by her sapphire barrette, the Guardian could see the glowing birthmark. "Marcus, what's going on?" she asked.

"I don't know," Marcus replied. "She usually gets headaches, but the glowing birthmark is new."

"Hmm..." The Guardian kneeled down for a closer inspection of Dana's forehead. "We better get her to the TARDIS."

"The what-now?" Gary asked.

"I'll explain it later," Marcus said.

* * *

In the TARDIS, the Guardian scanned Dana with her Sonic Cane. "How odd," she said. "These readings state you're not exactly human."

"What?!" Dana asked.

"I'm detecting traces of exposure to the Untempered Schism," the Guardian explained. "Dana, you're half-Gallifreyan."

"How is that possible?!" Dana asked.

"I don't know," the Guardian admitted. "But the Untempered Schism is what allows Timelords and Timeladies to regenerate."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Daniel asked. He pulled out his gun. "Let's see if she really is half-Gallifreyan."

"No, Daniel!" the Guardian said. "The Untempered Schism giving Gallifreyans the ability to regenerate only works if they are exposed to it for billions of years. I'm only detecting small traces of it."

"So what do I do about it?" Dana asked.

"Nothing for now," the Guardian answered. "I don't know how you are a human-Gallifreyan hybrid, but I suggest that you keep this to yourself."

"Okay..." Dana said. "Maybe so mindless fun can help me relax from this revelation."

"Guys! We can still watch the musical episode of Psych!" Gary said "It's not too late!"

* * *

And so, Dana, Marcus, Gary, and Salls were the living room watching Psych the Musical. It started off alright with catchy songs (some of which made Marcus hum along). But towards the end...

"The writers killed off Yang?" Marcus asked. "Why on Earth would they do such a thing?!"

"UNBELIEVABLE!" Gary exclaimed.

"And here I thought it was going to be a happy-go-lucky filler episode," Salls said.

* * *

That evening, the Guardian and Daniel were in the TARDIS. The Guardian locked the infinity-sided die away. "There," she said. "This should prevent it from falling into the wrong hands."

Dana entered the TARDIS. "Guardian? Mr. Noble?" she asked.

"Oh, hello Dana," the Guardian said. "Still thinking about being half-Gallifreyan."

"I'm still trying to adjust to this revelation," Dana said. "But I don't think I can handle it."

"Do you want me to take you to Blind Ivan?" the Guardian asked. "They're still using Confession Dials on people who want to forget painful memories."

"I'd rather not," Dana said, remembering what happened to Old Woman McGucket.

"Okay then," the Guardian said. "Let me know if you want to change your mind."

"Okay," Dana said, heading for the TARDIS elevator. "Goodnight, Mr. Noble. Goodnight, Guardian."

"Goodnight, Dana," the Guardian said.

Once Dana was gone, Daniel revealed a snowglobe-shaped object that contained a floating blob of inky nothingness. "Guardian, I've been thinking," he said, putting the object in a desk drawer. "Dana reminds me too much of Silvia. You don't suppose she's..."

"I don't know," the Guardian said. "But it's best if she stays away from our work. Who knows what might happen if she stumbles across something she wasn't supposed to know."


	15. The Silchurian Candidate

Today the Guardian was taking a break from her work for some relaxation. And right now, she was in the kitchen, screwing in a light bulb with Dana, Marcus and Salls watching her.

"And...we're done!" the Guardian said as the light bulb turned on.

Dana, Marcus, and Salls cheered. "Does anyone see this?" Marcus asked. "This is what a hero looks like right here."

Jennifer rushed into the kitchen. "Guys, you won't believe what I saw on T-" She saw the light bulb. "Weren't we out of light bulbs?"

"We were, so I used Gallifreyran technology to build one," the Guardian explained. "It will last a thousand years and the light it emits makes your skin softer. Anyway, why are you so panicked?"

"Mayor Befufftlefumpter is dead!" Jennifer exclaimed.

"Whoa, what?" Marcus asked.

"Shandra was just talking about it," Jennifer explained. "That man was the one who put my ma behind bars. Who knows if the next mayor will pardon her!" Tears came from her eyes.

Marcus walked over to Jennifer. "It's okay Jennifer," he said, patting her back. "And who knows? Maybe the next mayor will execute her."

Jennifer sniffled. "Thanks Marcus," she said.

* * *

Later that day, the citizens of Gravity Falls met up in the town hall. "Alright everyone," Chief Blubs said. "We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century. According to the town charter, a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring. "

Officer Durland brought out a hoop and placed it on the floor. The citizens were wondering who should step up.

"I still have a really bad feeling about all of this," Jennifer said.

"I dunno," Salls said. "It not like we have a lot of good mayor options. Everyone in this town is a tad strange. Except, ironically, Tad Strange."

Speaking of Tad Strange, he was wearing a top hat and holding a black cane. He took off his hat and tossed it into the ring. "It looks like I fulfill all of the requirements," he said.

"You should run for mayor," Dana told the Guardian. "You would probably make a great mayor."

"You really think so?" the Guardian asked. Dana and Marcus happily nodded in response.

Tad walked up to the podium. "So since everyone is perfectly fine with me as the new mayor, I will take the oath of office-"

Suddenly, the Guardian threw her fez in the hoop, and everyone gasped. "Hold it right there!" she said. "I'm taking you on!"

"Silvia Pines?" Tad asked. "No offense, but you are too honest of a person. There is no way a person like you could win."

"Come on, everyone," the Guardian said. "Are we going to let some plain-old boring man win? How about a real election?"

With that, everyone wearing a hat threw them into the hoop. "Oh snap," Tad said. "It looks like we have a real competition. I am perfectly fine with that."

* * *

At the Surprise Hut, everyone was ready to support the Guardian. Marcus wore an American flag t-shirt, while Dana wore a yellow visor that read 'Silvia'.

"Alright everybody, eyes up here!" Dana said. She opened a rolled paper with a lot of dust coming out. "Gravity Falls Elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual stump, and the Friday Debate wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a freedom eagle who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him anointing him or her mayor." She frowned. "I couldn't make this up if I wanted to."

A phone rang. "Okay Guardian, are you ready for your first radio interview?" Marcus asked.

"Of course I am," the Guardian said as she answered the phone.

* * *

 **Voiceover: You're listening to Falls Radio: 24 hour news and bear rampage alerts, and now here's the Z-Man.**

 **Z-Man: Alright! Silvia Pines, here's the first question. How do you feel about the American flag?**

 **The Guardian: It's an amazing sight. The combination of Stars and Stripes proudly symbolize the hard work American ancestors fought for. It's so beautiful.**

 **Z-Man: What would you do to help educate our kids?**

 **The Guardian: Improve the school systems so they aren't as tough. After all, not all students need to be rushed through all four years of high school.**

 **Z-Man: What would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?**

 **The Guardian: Punish all of the serious criminals to teach the troublemakers a lesson.**

* * *

Some time later, the Guardian hung up, satisfied with her interview. "Cameron, what are the results?" Dana asked.

"Your approval ratings started at zero," Cameron told the Guardian. "Now they have gone off the chart." He flipped the laptop around and shows the Guardian's positive approval ratings.

"You're meme-ing fast, and all of them are good," William said, revealing a 'one does not simply' meme parody that highlighted the Guardian in a positive light.

* * *

That Wednesday, the woman biker was giving a stump speech. A sign hung across two trees saying 'General Mayoral Stumpston Speeches'.

"Education, bring it!" the woman biker said. "Prosperity, bring it! A Gravity Falls we can be proud of, BRING IT!"

The woman biker walked off the stage. "And now, Silvia Pines!" Chief Blubs said.

The Guardian entered through the curtains. "Hello everyone," she said. "I'm Silvia Pines. You may know me as the kind-hearted sales artist who runs the Surprise Hut. And let me tell you something. I might always miss Communism, but my aim is getting better!"

"Good!" a person in the audience exclaimed. "She's saying all the right things!"

"And yes, my opponent did say that I'm honest," the Guardian continued. "But isn't that what this town needs? An honest mayor? Elect me, and I promise to remain honest during my term!"

As the audience cheered, the Guardian happily walked off the stage. "Guardian, that was amazing!" Marcus said. He hugged her.

"Yeah!" Salls said. "How'd you do it?"

"Oh, it's nothing much," the Guardian said. "I opened my mouth and spoke from the heart."

* * *

And so, the Guardian continued to get praised by all of the different communities in the town. Newspapers ever showed that she eventually took the lead. But not everyone was happy with the results.

"This is terrible, Mr. Strange!" a male campaign supporter said. "Silvia Pines is skyrocketing the competition! We have to do something to get more supporters!"

"Hold on," Tad said. "No one is to blame for this disaster. Silvia is a natural when it comes to socializing. Who can blame her for that?"

"But Mr. Strange-" a female campaign supporter said.

"It doesn't matter though," Tad interrupted. "In the end, I'll still win. After all, it's for her."

"Who?" the female campaign supporter asked.

"My soon-to-be bride," Tad answered. "The lovely lady who won my heart. And soon, I will win over the hearts of this town. Whether they like it or not."

"Mr. Strange, you're not making any sense," the male campaign supporters said.

"Oh, you poor simple-minded man," Tad said. "There's a storm coming. A wonderful, wonderful storm. Too bad you won't be there to witness it."

Suddenly, Tad put on a gas mask and pressed a button under the table, activating deadly gas. "You're insane!" the male campaign supporter gasped.

"You have no idea," Tad said as his eyes briefly turned yellow with slitted pupils.

* * *

Soon Friday came. The final debate took place at Mayor Befufflethumper's memorial. Dana and Marcus were backstage, hoping the Guardian could actually win.

"Welcome all to the final debate in what sure to be on a cosmic scale a forgettable blip in human history," Shandra said as Tad, the Guardian, and the woman biker walked up to the stage. "And here come the three most popular candidates! Now, let the debate begin!" She rung a bell.

"First question," Manly Dan said. "What's your position on taxes?"

"Taxes are the worst," the Guardian said. "I propose we stimulate the economy by lowering them by 30%."

"Low taxes?" the woman biker asked. "Well I say bring it!"

"I suggest lowering them for every family income," Tad said. "But I will make an exception on wealthy families and close friends."

 **Some Time Later...**

"And that is why the Statue of Liberty is the most important landmark in America," the Guardian concluded as her approval ratings go up and her bucket continued to get full of birdseed.

The timer finished counting down, and the mayor-picking eagle was set free. It cawed, flew overhead, and settled down near the Guardian, kissing her head. The audience cheered as fireworks went off.

* * *

That afternoon, Dana, Marcus, Jennifer, and the Guardian were watching the results on TV.

 **"This just in. Silvia Pines loses."**

"WHAT?!" Jennifer exclaimed.

 **"Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify her due to discovery that she had attended a non-American college. Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who filled out the proper paperwork: local normal guy Tad Strange."**

"Aw, I'm sorry, Guardian," Dana said. "I actually think you as mayor would've been fun."

"Maybe it's for the best," the Guardian said. "Besides, how bad could Tad Strange being the mayor be?"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Gravity Falls prison, Bonnie walked up to a table, where she was greeted by Tad. "Hello Bonnie," he said. "It has been a long time since we saw each other."

"This better be quick," Bonnie said. "I promised my gal-pal Ghost Eyes we would make friendship bracelets in arts and crafts class today."

"Relax," Tad said. "This won't take long at all." His eyes briefly turned yellow with slitted pupils once more as he smirked.

Bonnie was in awe. "Darlin'?" she asked.

"Don't mind this simple skin," Tad said. "It's something I wear when I visit this humble little place."

"So did you get in like you promised?" Bonnie asked.

"Indeed I did," Tad answered. "And now Gravity Falls is ripe for the taking."

"Is that all why you came?" Bonnie asked.

"Not exactly," Tad continued. He took out a small box. "Every king needs a proper queen." He opened the box and held up a plain silver ring. "Will you do me the honor of being that queen?"

Bonnie was overjoyed. "Of course!" she said, letting Tad put the ring on her finger.

"Splendid," Tad said. "I shall work on the wedding preparations." With that, he left the room, leaving Bonnie with a genuine smile on her face.


	16. The Last Marcuscorn

**A/N: With the series finale of Gravity Falls, I'm safe to say that I will finally be able to complete this fanfic series. And thankfully, I can show you all the big reveal I have been planning with Bill Cipher.**

* * *

The Guardian stood in a field of wheat with the universe portal in the background. She looked around as the wheat was flattened around her into the image of Bill Cipher, glowing blue. She even heard his maniacal laughter.

"Show yourself!" the Guardian exclaimed. She turned around as Bill materialized from the ground, floating in the air.

"Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well!" Bill said. "Aren't you a sight for sore eye! The great Guardian of Time and Space, my old pal!"

"Bill Cipher," the Guardian said. "What do you want from me?"

"Oh, quit playing dumb!" Bill said. "You knew I'd be back! You think dismantling that portal could stop what I have planned? I've been making deals, chatting with old friends like Erica Kravid of Dimension Hero-Prime, preparing for the big day! You can't keep this dimension safe forever. You'll slip up, and when you do...!"

"Get out of here!" the Guardian exclaimed. "You have no dominion in our world!"

"Maybe not right now, but things change, Guardian!" Bill said. "Things...change."

* * *

The Guardian woke up in the TARDIS, panting. She looked at her hand.

 **Look! A turkey!**

* * *

The next day, Dana opened a closet door as Marcus rubbed his hands excitedly. The two looked at the closet, which contained some stray items and board games.

"Alright, there has to be some decent board games in here," Dana said.

Marcus walked over to the pile of board games. "Let's see... Battlechutes & Ladderships, Necronomiconopoly, Don't Wake Stalin..."

"Hey, what's this?" Dana asked as she picked up a game. "What Could Go Wrong?: the Board Game. The box said the last players who opened it never made it out alive."

"Well, I know what we're doing today," Marcus said.

Dana nodded in agreement. "This should take up the next twenty-one minutes," she said.

"Dana! Marcus!" the Guardian called out. "I need to speak to you!"

* * *

Dana and Marcus found the Guardian in the living room. Marcus looked at a bag on the table. "Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions!" he said. "Are you going to tell us we're finally of age to go to wizard school?"

"Don't be ridiculous," the Guardian said. "There's no such thing as a wizard school. Now, do either of you recognize this symbol?" She held up a scroll emblazoned with the image of Bill Cipher and several hieroglyphs, making Dana and Marcus gasp.

"Bill Cipher," Dana said.

"You... You know him?" the Guardian asked.

"Know him?" Dana asked in response. "He's been terrorizing us all summer! I have so many questions and theories..."

"Dana's been pretty paranoid ever since Bill possessed her body and turned her into a living doll," Marcus said. "At least that's what William told me."

"Bill mind-raped me!" Dana exclaimed. "It made me feel so violated..."

"The fact that you dealt with Bill is gravely serious," the Guardian said. "His powers are growing stronger, and if he pulls off his plans, no one in this family will be safe! Fortunately, ancient Gallifreyans discovered a way to Cipher-proof surrounding areas years ago. We need three moonstones, a sprinkle of mercury, and some unicorn hair. Right now Daniel is searching for the moonstones and mercury."

"What about the unicorn hair?" Dana asked.

"It's hopeless," the Guardian explained. "Unicorns reside deep within an enchanted glade, and their hairs can only be obtained by a pure good-hearted person who goes on a magical quest to find them. Silvia was the only one whom the unicorns deemed pure of heart, but with her dead, there's no way to get unicorn hair now."

Marcus chuckled. "Oh please," he said. "I am literally obsessed with all things Pony-related, and I know for a fact that unicorns are friends to all living things, even those with tainted hearts. So can I go on the quest to prove you wrong?"

"Oh, alright," the Guardian said. "But it won't be easy." She gave Marcus a crossbow. "My companions and I dealt with unicorns before, and they are rather...odd."

"I better come with you," Dana said. "I read about unicorns in mythology class. Who knows if these unicorns are vicious and violent."

"Alright," Marcus said. He quickly dialed his cell phone. "Jennifer, clear the afternoon!"

Dana looked at the unicorn section in Journal 1. "Wait Marcus," she said. "It says here that in order to summon the unicorn fortress, a siren must sing a song of peace."

"Siren?" Marcus asked. He suddenly had an idea. "We know a siren!"

* * *

Some time later, Marcus, Dana, Jennifer, and Becca were in the woods. "It's nice to finally be out on a mission," Marcus said.

"I never met a unicorn before," Jennifer said. "And this adventure is a nice break from paying the house bills since ma was arrested."

"Jennifer, these unicorns might be violent and dangerous," Dana said. "I even heard they have the ability to eat a bird alive."

"I'm a bit worried about this," Becca said. "If you guys needed a siren's song to summon the unicorns, why didn't you ask my mom for help? I'm half-human, so my voice probably won't work."

"Stop!" Marcus said. "This is the magic part of the forest." He opened Journal 1. "Let's see... The gnome tavern is over there, and the fairy nail salon is over there... So the unicorn fortress must be somewhere over here." He gave the journal to Becca. "Okay Becca, do your thing."

"Fine," Becca said. "But don't say I didn't warn you." She stepped forward and sang the song that was described in the journal.

Suddenly, a fortress rose out of the ground, much to Becca's surprise. Then she, Marcus, Jennifer, and Dana entered it.

* * *

Inside the fortress, the four were greeted by a white unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail. "Hark! Visitors to my realm of enchantment!" she said. "Come in, come in."

Marcus approached the unicorn. "Miss unicorn, we have journeyed far and wide on a mission to protect our family with your magical hair!" he said.

"Very well," the unicorn said. "To receive a lock of my enchanted hair, step forth, boy or girl of pure perfect heart."

"Yeah, you can drop the act," Marcus said, not convinced. "Now fork over the hair."

"Dear child, us unicorns can see deep inside hearts," the unicorn said. She pointed at Marcus with her horn and his chest glowed with a heart. "And you have done such good."

"What?" Marcus asked.

"But wait, there is another with a pure heart," the unicorn said. She walked over to Dana and pointed at her with her horn, making the female twin's chest glow with a heart.

"Me?" Dana asked. "Why me?"

"Because I sense deep sorrow in your heart," the unicorn explained. "But despite your suffering, you remain kind to those who deserve it, not thinking about hatred or revenge. Why, the last person I encountered who had such pureness was a young woman named Silvia Pines, and she was a princess. Are you a princess too?"

Thinking back to the infamous god scene from Ghost Smashers, Dana said, "Yes?"

"Of course!" the unicorn said. "Only a princess could be so pure of heart! And you look so much like Silvia Pines too. Now come. I will give you all the unicorn hair you need."

* * *

Back at the Surprise Hut, Dana and Marcus returned with a wheelbarrow full of unicorn hair (because Jennifer had to return to the Castle of Telepathy and Becca was planning on going on a date with Taylor that afternoon). Needless to say, the Guardian was pleasantly surprised.

"It...can't be!" the Guardian said, surprised by the amount of unicorn hair. "This is amazing! With this much unicorn hair, we should be able to completely shield the hut from Bill's mind-reading tricks!"

"So where's Mr. Noble with the moonstones and mercury?" Dana asked.

"He hasn't come back yet," the Guardian explained. "Which means we might have to resort to Plan B."

* * *

And so, the Guardian brought Dana and Marcus to the second floor of the TARDIS. This particular room was colored in shades of teal and aqua, with a tall pillar in the center, surrounded by what appeared to be a control panel.

"Welcome to the TARDIS control room," the Guardian said as Marcus briefly glanced at a rectangular object that was covered by a sheet. "It hasn't been active in over thirty years, but hopefully I should be able to reboot it some day." She activated a large monitor. "If we can't Bill-proof the hut, we're going to have to do the next best thing." She held up a helmet with wires on it. "We're gonna have to Bill-proof your minds."

The Guardian put the helmet on Dana. "So what is Bill, exactly?" the brunette girl asked.

The Guardian hesitated. "He's...a powerful creature known as a Cipher," she explained. "They are the greatest enemy of the Gallifreyans. They're older than the Milky Way galaxy and incredibly twisted. Without physical forms, they can only project themselves into human thoughts through the mindscape."

"So how do we keep Bill out of our minds?" Marcus asked.

"For Gallifreyans, it's simple," the Guardian answered. "Our mental constructs are so complex that a Cipher would explode if he or she was in our minds for longer than ten minutes. But this machine is safer. It will scan your mind, bioelectrically encrypting your thoughts so Bill can't read them." She turned the machine on. "Now Dana, say hello to your thoughts."

 **"Oh man, I still can't believe an alien was impersonating Graunt Silvia all this time!"**

 **"Why have I always been concerned about my hair?"**

 **" _Detention deficit disorder..._ "**

 **"William or Patterson? William or Patterson? William or Patterson? William or Patterson?"**

"You might wanna...ignore that last one," Dana said shyly. She cleared her throat. "By the way, you never told me what your history with Bill was."

"That's not important," the Guardian said. "Just focus. It's time to strengthen your mind."

 **Twenty-One Minutes Later...**

"This is taking forever!" Marcus complained, since the machine had scanned fifteen percent of Dana's memories.

Dana noticed the Guardian had fallen asleep on a chair near the control panel. "Why does the Guardian have to be so mysterious about Bill?" she asked Marcus. "We can probably handle the truth."

That gave Marcus an idea. "I know!" he said. "Use this helmet-y machine on her!"

"I don't know..." Dana said.

"Come on, Stargirl," Marcus said. "The more we know about Bill, the more we can help.

"Oh, alright," Dana said. She took off the helmet and put it on the Guardian. "But just a little peek."

 **A woman with a different face was operating a pure-white control room. She had blonde hair that was tied up in a messy bun and she wore a tan and red cricket uniform (with a piece of celery on the jacket). She was apparently an early incarnation of the Guardian. The TARDIS also looked different, especially with an absent elevator.**

 **A young boy walked over to her. He was dark-skinned with short black hair. He wore a white buttoned-up shirt, dark brown pants, and black shoes.**

 **"Guardian, are we there yet?" the boy asked.**

 **"No, not yet," the Guardian said, speaking in a slight British accent. "It will only take a half hour to reach Barcelona."**

 **"Okay," the boy said. "But is it true?"**

 **"The dogs with no noses?" the Guardian asked in response. "Very much true. Now please head back to bed. I don't want to hear complaints about you being tired."**

 **"Okay," the boy said. He sounded dejected.**

 **"Oh, don't you worry," the Guardian said. "It'll all be worth the extra sleep, Bill."**

Dana and Marcus were shocked. Why did the Guardian just call that boy 'Bill'? Unless...

"Holy smokes!" Marcus explained. "The Guardian was friends with Bill?!"

"Seriously?!" Dana asked. "You're not surprised that Bill was once a human?!"

The Guardian, who had just woke up, stood up and approached the twins. "You weren't supposed to see those memories," she said, taking off the helmet.

"What's going on?!" Dana asked. "Was that actually Bill Cipher?!"

"We want some answers!" Marcus demanded.

"Very well," the Guardian said, putting the helmet back on. "Might as well tell you since I told this story to a lot of my companions. I have had many regrets in my life, but the biggest one when I visited an orphanage in the year 1939. I had just entered my cricket years, and I was deeply missing my longest-running companion Scott Jay Smith and my beloved robot cat X7. So I decided to adopt a child."

 **The Guardian stepped out of the TARDIS and entered an orphanage. She walked up to the front desk. "Hello," she said. "I wish to adopt a child."**

 **"They're in the yard," the clerk said. "But be careful, one of them is rather...unstable."**

 **When the Guardian arrived at the orphanage's yard, she looked at the boys and girl playing. But one boy caught her eye: an eight-year-old dark-skinned boy who was playing basketball. He looked angry for some reason. And after missing a basket, he caught the ball and threw it onto the ground in rage. Curious, she walked over to him.**

 **"Hello," the Guardian said. "What is your name?"**

 **"Why do you want to know?" the boy asked. "Wouldn't you rather talk to one of the other kids?"**

 **"Because you seem different," the Guardian explained. "Special, in fact."**

 **"How am I special?" the boy asked.**

 **"I can tell when I see special people," the Guardian said. "So why are you playing by yourself?"**

 **"Because the other kids hate me," the boy answered. "They call me an unwanted freak."**

 **"I'm not surprised," the Guardian said. "This is a period of segregation."**

 **"Yeah, you don't need to tell me that," the boy said. "There's nothing for me in this world. I'm just some worthless freak."**

 **The Guardian knelt down to the boy. "No, you're not," she said. "You might have been born unlucky, but I know you're destined for greatness. If you come with me, you'll become someone extraordinary."**

 **"You think so?" the boy asked.**

 **"Brave heart, young boy," the Guardian said, putting her hand on his shoulder.**

 **The boy looked at the Guardian, and a smile slowly appeared on his face. "It's Bill," he said. "My name is Bill Hirsch."**

"And so, I adopted Bill and took him in as my son," the Guardian explained. The monitor proceeded to show many adventures she had with Bill. "He even made friends with my other companions during those years. I thought I was guiding him in the right direction, but then a tragic day occurred. It was the day that changed us for the worst. It all started during our visit to the planet Androzani Minor..."

 **"Bill? Bill?!" the Guardian shouted. "I've got the antidote! I'll fix you right..."**

 **This wasn't right. Bill Hirsch was supposed to be right there, still unconscious, ready to be cured and carried off this war zone.**

 **What she saw were bodies. Lots of bloodied, broken bodies. It almost made her retch.**

 **The Guardian fought back tears. Another happy-go-lucky travel had ended in bloodshed and demise. There should have been another way...**

 **Quickly, the Timelady scanned the scene of the massacre, hoping Bill's body wasn't among them and breathing a sigh of relief when it wasn't. Then she heard the Cloister Bell. Imminent disaster!**

 **"Bill..." The Guardian breathed as she ran in the direction of the TARDIS. As she approached her disguised little home she saw a glow from inside get brighter and brighter. What was going on in there?**

 **"Bill!" the Timelady shouted, throwing open the door and seeing a young twelve-year-old enveloped in a glowing yellow light. The hatch on the TARDIS console was open wide. He couldn't have... He knew!...**

 **"Hi, Guardian!" Bill spoke. His voice had changed. It barely resembled a human's anymore. Now it was so distorted and other-worldly, almost machine-like. "How do you like me now?!"**

 **Her eyes wide, the Guardian barely held back her shock and rage. "What the heck have you done?!"**

 **Bill smiled. "I looked into the TARDIS! And the TARDIS looked into me!" He waved his hand and the TARDIS door closed behind the female time-traveller.**

 **"It's just like the voices said!" Bill shouted. "This power feels incredible!"**

 **"You opened the heart of the TARDIS?!" the Guardian shouted back. "What in the universe possessed you to even think of such a thing?!"**

 **"My friends! The voices in my dreams!" Bill revealed. "Ever since the Cybermen incident, I've been dreaming! Dreaming of this! The power to do whatever I want!"**

 **As he spoke, the TARDIS itself seemed to obey him. The engines started, taking them away from Androzani Minor.**

 **"No, Bill! Take us back!" the Guardian cried out. "Take us back to Androzani right now!"**

 **"That place was a nightmare! A warzone! Everyone was going to die anyway! I just gave them a helping hand!" Bill spoke again. "And now I'll finish the job!"**

 **Before the Guardian could respond, a large explosion was heard. Ripping open the TARDIS door, all she could see were the pieces of rubble which now remained of Androzani Minor and Androzani Major. Her hearts sank. How could he do such a thing?**

 **"Just like the voices promised!" Bill uttered. "Finally, I know my true purpose!"**

 **The Guardian was confused. Was he talking about the Ciphers? They were all left in their decaying dimension years ago! They should have been dead by now!**

 **"I can see into your mind, my friend!" the empowed human spoke. "And yes, I'm not ashamed to admit I have made contact with your old friends, the Cipher race!"**

 **"Bill, no!" the Timelady cried out. "Why would you trust them? They're evil!"**

 **Bill only laughed. "They've been waiting, Guardian...in their decaying home dimension!" He laughed again. "Waiting for someone like me!"**

 **"Stop! Stop this now!" the Guardian exclaimed, her eyes filling with tears. "This isn't like you! Where's the young boy I loved like a son?"**

 **"He's still here! Aren't you proud of me?" Bill exclaimed. "With this power, I can control everything! There will no longer be evil because I will know all and see all! I will be Godlike!"**

 **"That decision isn't yours or anyone's to make!" the Time Lady responded.**

 **"No! That decision is mine! It became mine when the Ciphers chose me!" Bill shouted back.**

 **"Bill, please! This is wrong!" the Guardian was about to say before she suddenly collapsed, grabbing onto the wall for support. Her Spectrox Toxemia was starting to affect her. By this point it would be too late to take her antidote. Her only option left was regeneration. But what about Bill?**

 **"See me as I am! No longer afraid of anything!" Bill shouted.**

 **Forcing herself to stand, the Guardian looked straight into Bill's glowing eyes. "Bill... I will stop you!"**

 **And with that, the Timelady charged at Bill, hugging him just as she regenerated. Her held-back regeneration increased its force, resulting in a massive explosion which destroyed the windows and almost shattered the engines. Through this and her contact with Bill, she absorbed the heart of the TARDIS and placed it back inside the TARDIS console, all while he screamed in pain. When it finally ended, the Guardian pulled away from Bill as a new woman with a new face and long curly blonde hair. She had hoped Bill would be alright as well.**

 **But all that now remained of Bill was an empty shell, devoid of all human life. The explosion, coupled with the draining of power, had worked too well. Bill himself had been destroyed. His skin was now charred, as if he had been burnt to a crisp on an open fire. Sure enough, his soulless form turned to ash and flew on a breeze out the windows. Bill Hirsch lived no more.**

"And that's why I refuse to let children come with me," the Guardian said, taking off the helmet. "Their minds are easily corrupted, like what happened to Bill. He had such potential and he wasted it on believing the Ciphers' lies. I thought he was gone for good, but when the accident with Silvia, Franny, and Daniel occurred, I learned the Ciphers revived Bill into one of them. Now he's beyond redemption, a complete monster. Bill Hirsch might have been burned, but Bill Cipher now exists in his place."

"Oh man," Dana said.

"No kidding," Marcus agreed.

* * *

In the hut's living room, Dana, Marcus, and the Guardian were sipping on some cans of Pitt Cola. "Guardian, I'm so sorry that had to happen to you," Marcus said.

"No, it's my fault," the Guardian said. "I was too blind to see his building rage and hatred. If I didn't adopted him, the whole universe wouldn't be in danger."

"But Guardian, you can't blame yourself for this," Dana said. "It sounded like the Ciphers corrupted him."

"Because of me," the Guardian said. "What happened to Bill Hirsch is forever my biggest regret. Now we have to stop him at all costs, starting with shielding the hut."

Speaking of which, Daniel showed up with a backpack full of moonstones and a bag filled with mercury. He looked exhausted. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "I had to get extras in case of emergency."

"Nice work, Daniel," the Guardian said. "Now we can get to work on the spell."

* * *

Some time later, Dana and the Guardian were in the yard. With the moonstones and mercury placed in the hut, Dana finished stretching the unicorn hair around it. A force field formed around the building.

"Perfect!" the Guardian said. "This will protect us from Bill. As long as we're inside, our minds are safe."

* * *

But in the Cipher realm, Bill was watching them with an orb. He snapped his fingers, causing a picture of his human form and the Guardian to appear. His glance was fixated on the picture, and he sniffled. Brushing back a tear that came from his eye, he waved his other hand in front of the picture, causing it to burn up.

Now wasn't the time for wallowing in the past. After all, the Guardian burned his body. It was about time she knew how that felt.


	17. Roadside Attraction

It was a rainy day at the Surprise Hut. Dana, Marcus, the Guardian, Salls, William, Oinkers, and Daniel were hanging out in the living room, watching old episodes of Psych. William put his arm across Dana's shoulders, but instead of blushing and cuddling next to him, she looked uncomfortable. Marcus quickly noticed this.

"What's wrong, Stargirl?" Marcus asked.

Dana glanced at William. "Oh, me?" she asked. "Nothing's wrong."

"Come on, beautiful," William said. "You can tell me."

"Seriously, let's just focus on the show!" Dana blurted out.

"Hmm..." Marcus said. "Ever since that road trip, you haven't been happy around William."

"Road trip?" William asked. "What road trip?"

"Oh yeah, I took part is a road trip," Dana said. "It was somewhere between the shapeshifter encounter and the night of the Southeast ball. I can't really recall the exact spot on the timeline."

"Besides, it wasn't that big of a deal," Marcus said.

"Not so fast," Daniel said. He looked over at the Guardian. "What exactly did happen on that road trip, Spacewoman?"

"Yeah, I want to know too," William said.

"Oh, alright," the Guardian said. "It all started on a warm summer day..."

* * *

The Guardian (who was still pretending to be Silvia at the time) put a bumper sticker on an RY as Salls helped pack it up. "And don't forget bug spray!" the Guardian said.

Dana (who still wore her blue and white pine tree hat at the time) approached the RV. "An RV? Camping gear?" she commented. "Are you relocating the Surprise Hut?"

"It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure!" Salls said.

"Sort of," the Guardian said. She pulled out a map of Oregon's tourist traps and handed it to Dana. "Salls and I are visiting every tourist trap along the Redwood Highway so I can check out the competition."

"Bow wow!" Gary said. "Time to let the road dogs bark!"

"That's us," Cameron said. "We're the road dogs."

"Thanks for letting me bring Cameron and Gary along for our road trip, Graunt Silvia," Marcus said.

"The more the merrier," the Guardian said. "Just come on in." She, Cameron, and Gary walked into the RV.

"What do ya say?" Salls asked Dana. "You comin'?"

"I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff," Marcus said. "Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed."

As if on cue, Marcus dropped a box, and notecards came out of it. "What's that?" Marcus asked.

Dana started cleaning the notecards up. "Uh, nothing!" she said. "Just...date planning stuff...for when I'm with William."

"Awww!" Marcus gushed. "How cute!"

"Yeah," Salls said. "Ever since you and William hooked up, you've been all happy and smiles."

"Of course I am," Dana said, smiling wide. "William is perfect! Plus he said I'm his dream girl, so that means we were obviously meant to be."

"So do you want to come with us?" Salls asked.

Dana shrugged. "Sure," she said. "Besides, it's not like one little road trip can change everything."

* * *

The RV bounded across the open road. The Guardian was driving as Salls acted at a human GPS with the map.

"Man, RVs are amazing," Gary said. "We're sitting at a table in a moving vehicle!"

"Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets," Cameron said. He held up the pamphlets. "I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge."

* * *

The first stop was at Granny Sweetkin's Yarnball. The kids had gotten out and they were looking around, while Salls entered the gift shop. A tourist boy walked by, and he noticed Dana.

"Hey there, gorgeous," the boy said. "Come here often?"

Dana blinked in confusion. "Uh... No?"

The boy chuckled. "You're funny," he said. "And incredibly pretty, especially with your eyes."

"Thank you..." Dana said, still not sure what was going on. Was he going to bully her afterwards?

The boy then proceeded to write his e-mail address on Dana's arm. "I like you," he said. "Send me a message some time." And with that, he walked off, leaving the brunette girl confused.

Dana was shocked. Did a boy just flirt with her? What was going on? Wasn't he weirded out by her freakish appearance?

The brunette girl walked over to the RV and looked at her reflection in the rear bumper. What was pretty about her anyway. Her hair was too messy, her whole face was messed up, and she dressed a lot like a boy. Plus her parents always told her she was a freak, inside and out. Who would find her appealing anyway?

But then Dana thought back to what the boy said. It was about her eyes. But what was so pretty about them? They were a muddy color. There was nothing special about having mud-colored eyes.

At that moment, Salls left the gift shop. She quickly noticed Dana, so she walked over to her? "What's wrong?" the older girl asked.

"I don't know," Dana said. "I think a boy just flirted with me, but why? I have ratty hair and mud-colored eyes. Plus I dress like a boy."

"Dana, you're crazy," Salls said. "Even I think you're super pretty."

"That's not what my parents say," Dana said. "They frequently told me how ugly I am and that a guy will never love me. I know I'm dating William, but it's a miracle that he saw past all the ugliness."

"Don't say that about yourself," Salls said. "Your parents were obviously lying. You're the prettiest girl I ever saw. Just look at yourself and tell me what you see."

Dana looked at her reflection in RV rear bumper once more. "A freak," she answered.

"That's not what I see," Salls said. "Your hair might be knotted and messy, but it looks and probably feels soft. Not to mention your face is very adorable. And there are guys who are attracted to tomboys."

Dana looked back at Salls. "You really think so?" she asked.

"Positive," Salls answered. "The next time you see a guy, be more confident. Talk to him like you normally talk to Willam."

"I'll try," Dana said.

* * *

The next stop was Upside-Down Town. The RV pulled up and stopped. "Upside-Down Town," the Guardian said. "Rumored to be the nausea capital of the state."

The kids put on shoes with Velcro on the bottom, so they could walk on the carpeted ceiling. They got aligned with the ceiling and walked into the house.

Dana noticed a blonde boy. She cleared her throat. "Hi, I'm Dana," she said. "Crazy place, right?"

"Oh, hi," the boy said. "I'm Marty. You know, if you pretend we're right side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end."

"Yeah, weird, right?" Dana replied.

"And speaking of hair," Marty said. "I've never seen hair like yours. May I...?"

"Uh, sure," Dana said.

Marty proceeded to touch Dana's ponytail. "Wow," he said. "It feels as soft as it looks."

Dana smiled softly. "Thanks," she said as Marty withdrew his hand.

"Marty, come on!" a nearby man said. "We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth!"

"It's a long story," Marty said.

"Maybe you could tell me sometime," Dana said.

"Here's my e-mail address," Marty said, writing his e-mail address on Dana's hand. "Write me and I'll tell you all about it." He then left with his family.

Dana smiled wide. She then jumped in the air in delight and fell to the floor, landing next to Marcus, who was in the gift shop with Gary and Cameron.

"I'm okay," Dana said. "I'm better than okay. Marcus, hi. There's that awesome guy known as Gary. Cameron, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny." She left the gift shop, playfully laughing as she did so.

"Dana seems a bit different," Gary said.

"Yeah," Cameron replied. "Very confident."

* * *

Some time later, the gang was back on the road. Dana, who was sitting in the passenger seat, was so happy regarding her encounter with Marty.

"Looks like someone's in a good mood," the Guardian said.

"Salls gave me some advice regarding talking to guys," Dana said. "And this Marty guy thought I have soft hair. Maybe my parents were wrong about me. Maybe I really am pretty."

"Of course you are," the Guardian said. "Never have doubts about how you look. All girls are pretty in their own may."

And so, while the Guardian visited the various tourist attractions, Dana chatted with other boys. From Log Land to the Corn Maze, she started to feel more confident about herself.

* * *

That night, the group took a break at the Septic Ridge RV Park. While Dana, Salls, and the Guardian were in the RV sleeping, Marcus, Gary, and Cameron were sitting at a bonfire outside, eating marshmallows and laughing.

"Okay, it's time for Truth or Dare or Don't!" Marcus said. "Cameron, care to go first?"

"I choose...don't!" Cameron said.

Gary groaned. "You always choose don't!" he complained.

"Fine," Cameron said. "I choose truth."

"Do you...like someone?" Marcus asked.

Cameron blushed. "Okay, maybe just a little," he admitted. "I don't know for sure. It just...happened a while ago, and it came back in full force."

"Tell us! Tell us!" Marcus and Gary chanted.

"Okay," Cameron said. "She has gorgeous brown hair, a killer punch, and the cutest voice I ever heard."

Marcus and Gary groaned. "This again?!" Gary asked.

"Cameron, listen," Marcus said. "You're an awesome friend, but how many times do I have to tell you that my sister will never see you like that?!"

"I can't help it!" Cameron said. "Ever since that Surprise Hut dance, I've been so in love with her! And now she seems different lately. Less sweaty, and more charming."

"Trust me on this one," Marcus said. "I think it's best to leave that crush alone."

* * *

The next day, the RV was back on the highway. "Alright, everyone," the Guardian said "We're about to reach our final destination: Mystery Mountain. It's five times the size of the Surprise Hut, and it features supernatural-related attractions."

"I read about this place," Cameron said. "It has a sky tram, a mummy museum, and sightings of half-human, half-spider creatures."

Marcus started moaning. "You alright?" Salls asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Marcus replied. "Just getting a bit car sick."

"Gary, your elbows are poking me," Cameron complained.

"I can't help it," Gary said. "You know I'm the size of two people."

"Alright, that's it," the Guardian said. "I don't want to hear any more complaints. Marcus, you and Dana are switching seats. Gary, you're going to have to sit by yourself."

After the change-up, it left Dana sitting next to Cameron. "Cameron Chiu, 6th grade," he said confidently.

Dana simply blinked. What was going on?

"So Dana, I was wondering if you would want to walk around Mystery Mountain with me today," Cameron said.

"...Sure," Dana said. "I mean, wasn't that already the plan?"

"No, just us," Cameron said, intertwining his fingers with Dana's.

Dipper looks shocked as the Guardian slammed the brakes on the R , coming to a stop in front of the Mystery Mountain entrance.

* * *

Outside, Marcus and Gary walked over to the large Paul Bunyan statue. "I'll see you there!" Cameron told Dana. He winked at her as he left the RV.

Salls noticed Dana's confused look. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Salls, you gotta help me!" Dana exclaimed. "The whole confidence thing worked too well! I think Cameron just asked me out on a date!"

"So?" Salls asked.

"Cameron's alright, but he's a pony nerd!" Dana said. "And I never thought of pony nerds like that!"

"Then just tell him that," Salls advised. "It doesn't hurt to tell the truth."

* * *

And so, Cameron and Dana were at Mummy Town U.S.A., sitting on a bench. A banner above them read 'NEW MUMMIES DAILY'.

"This place is so enchanting," Cameron said.

"I'm sort of confused by the phrase 'New Mummies Daily'," Dana said. "I mean, how does that even work?"

"This mountain's full of mysteries," Cameron said. "For instance, how could a girl be so breathtakingly beautiful?" He put his hand on Dana's waist, pulling her close.

"Uh, Cameron..." Dana said.

"I'm serious," Cameron said. "You're just so...beautiful." He took off her hat and untied her hair, caressing her messy locks with both hands. "Dana, I love you."

Dana's eyes widened. "What?!" This was making her feel uncomfortable.

"Shhh..." Cameron said. He leaned closer to her. "Don't ruin the moment." He leaned in even closer to her, his lips barely touching hers-

POW!

Dana withdrew her fist, seeing that she had broke Cameron's nose. She glared at him as she tied her hair back up in a ponytail and put her hat back on. That punch was a reflex reaction, since he was getting too close to her.

"What the heck was that for?!" Cameron asked, wiping off blood from his nose with his hand.

"Cameron, I don't have feelings for you!" Dana exclaimed. "Pony nerds aren't my type!"

"Geez, I was only trying to be nice," Cameron said.

"That was you being _nice_?!" Dana asked. "You were acting like some weird psycho!"

"You honestly think I'm a psycho?" Cameron asked, standing up. He looked hurt. "Well just to let you know, I'm not." With that, he left the museum.

* * *

"You actually punched Cameron in the nose?" William asked.

"I had no other choice!" Dana exclaimed. "He was violating my personal space!"

"So what else happened?" Daniel asked.

"Well it turns out Darlene, the woman in charge of Mystery Mountain, was actually a spider-woman," Marcus explained. "Cameron had an idea that involved escaping on the sky tram, but..."

* * *

"Ride like the wind, sky tram!" the Guardian exclaimed.

But the tram was moving very slowly. A voice played over the speakers.

 **"Welcome to Trambience, the world's slowest treetop tram ride. Enjoy the sights at 0.1 miles per hour."**

Gary groaned. "Move, move, move!" he exclaimed, stomping on the floor with his feet.

"Ugh, can't this thing go any faster?!" Dana asked.

 **"No it can't. This is Trambience."**

* * *

"But it turns out Cameron's plan involved trapping Darlene underneath the Paul Bunyan statue," Salls said. "Very clever plan."

"Then we found out that New Mummies Daily exhibit was the only real attraction at the mountain," Marcus said. "So with the help of Granny Sweetkin's giant yarn ball, we created another attraction: the world's biggest sweater! Afterwards Darlene promised to never turn people into mummies again."

"So what happened to Cameron?" William asked.

"His parents found out about the whole broken nose thing, and he was grounded for the rest of the summer," Marcus sadly said. "Poor guy wasn't even allowed to watch the musical episode of Psych with me and Gary."

"Now that I think about it, we've changed a lot since that road trip," Dana said. "I stopped wearing my hat and I feel more confident about my birthmark."

"And I'm relieved that I can stop pretending to be Silvia," the Guardian said.

"At least nothing else has changed," William said proudly.

"Yeah..." Dana lied. That road trip actually changed her so much. The only reason she agreed to date William was because he was the first guy she met who was genuinely attracted to her. She realized there were so many possibilities, and that as long as she was confident, she would eventually find her dream guy.

Then there was the fact that Dana might be starting to fall for Patterson, but that's another story.


	18. Dana and Marcus vs the Town

It is said on the eve of the final day, everyone in Gravity Falls had bad dreams. They all began the same, as if recalling fond memories, but soon they changed without warning and without any way to prevent it.

Jennifer dreamt of a world where she was the psychopath in league with demons and not her mother.

Old Woman McGucket dreamt of a world where she was not the author of the three journals and she was just another crazy old coot.

William dreamt of a world where he was older. Too old to even consider being with the love of his life.

Becca dreamt of a world where she was 100% human, and where she had to be saved from a video game character by the one she initially hated.

Patterson dreamt of a world where his parents acknowledged his existence, but they treated him like some kind of pet.

Salls dreamt of a world where she almost made peace with her father, and where her almost-psychotic ex .GIFfany was destroyed instead of redeemed.

Marcus dreamt of a world where his bond with his sister was all but unbreakable, and continuously tested and strained.

Dana dreamt of a world where she was a completely different person. One who longed for mystery and knowledge instead of art and normality.

And so it was that as the end approached the town of Gravity Falls, its citizens slept and shivered, their slumber plagued with night terrors.

Except one.

* * *

The Guardian arrived at the local history museum. She had received an important call from a familiar man, someone she had not spoke to in a long time.

Eventually the elderly Timelady arrived in a familiar room, and sure enough, she was greeted by familiar faces.

"Welcome, Lady President," Blind Ivan said. He took off his silver gauntlet. "We have been expecting you."

"Hello Rassilon," the Guardian replied, putting the gauntlet on her left hand. "I see you and the Timelord Council have been doing well since my absence."

"Indeed we have, but now is not the time to stroll down memory lane," Blind Ivan said. "It is about the Ciphers. They are coming."

The Guardian looked surprised. "It can't be," she said. "The end of the world isn't supposed to happen until the year 3012!"

"It seems the Ciphers have rescheduled it one-thousand years earlier than planned," Blind Ivan said. "And it will be tomorrow."

"That would explain why everyone in this town is experiencing bad dreams," the Guardian said

"Correct," Blind Ivan said. "It is the Ciphers' doing. These bad dreams are a warning to so many innocent people. They have no idea that tomorrow will change their lives forever. Our only option is to flee."

"Rassilon, you can't be serious," the Guardian said. "We have to do something!"

"I'm afraid not, Lady President," Blind Ivan said.

"What about the prophecy?" the Guardian asked. She used her Sonic Cane to recreate a circular pattern on a nearby wall. "It says that when ten people who are connected to one another join hands in a particular order, their pure hearts will beat as one and eradicate all the Ciphers forever."

"Yes, but at a great cost," Blind Ivan said. "If those ten people were to succeed, there would be a high chance that they would be permanently petrified. The prophecy is our last resort, and we do not know who those ten people are supposed to be."

"But there is another way to stop the Ciphers," the Guardian said. "The Hybrid."

"You still believe in that fairytale?" Blind Ivan asked.

"It is no fairytale," the Guardian said. "The Hybrid will come and aid in the defeat the Ciphers. After all, this Hybrid is rumored to be a crossbreed of two great warrior races."

"But you have been searching for the Hybrid ever since that unfortunate accident with your adopted son," Blind Ivan said.

"Yes I have," the Guardian said. "But sadly, I can't seem to find him or her. But I will find that Hybrid, and I will make sure he or she is ready for that final showdown."

"Very well," Blind Ivan said. "I wish you luck on your search, Lady President."

"Thank you," the Guardian said. "Hopefully I'll find the Hybrid before the Ciphers come, otherwise all hope will be lost."

* * *

The next morning, back at the Surprise Hut, Dana woke up screaming. She just experienced a terrible nightmare. It was so horrifying!

Marcus ran in. "Are you alright?!" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dana said nervously. "Just an uncomfortable dream."

"Well we can't let bad dreams get in the way of today," Marcus said, forcing a smile.

"What's today?" Dana asked.

"We're exactly one week away from our 13th birthday!" Marcus happily announced.

"Our birthday's coming up already?" Dana asked, getting out of bed. She gasped. "Soon we're gonna be actual teenagers!"

"Finally! I can stop reading preteen magazines and start reading post-preteen magazines," Marcus said.

"PG-13 movies, here I come!" Dana said.

"And just one more year until high school," Marcus said. "High school, Stargirl! Where boys become men and they teach us stuff about...you know what."

"Trigonometry?" Dana asked.

"Oh yeah, baby!" Marcus answered.

Salls entered the room. "That's not all," she said. "In one week, my grandpa is finally letting me eat crackers on my bed! The future is coming for us all."

"The future!" Dana said.

"The future!" Marcus said.

* * *

Some time later, Dana, Marcus, and Salls were in the living room. "Alright, party planners," Marcus said. "In one week Dana and I become teenagers, and our summer vacation winds to an end. So we need to throw the greatest party of all time! I'm talking piñatas with tinier piñatas inside."

"Boom, dreams comin' true!" Salls said as she poured little piñatas into a large piñata.

"I'm talking inviting everyone in town," Marcus said. He pulled out a list. "Let's see... Where do we stand with the gnomes?"

"Hold on a minute," the Guardian said, walking into the room. "I don't want a repeat of that zombie disaster. It's too risky to have another party here."

"But Guardian, we need some roof to raise," Marcus said.

"You could rent out the Gravity Falls High School gym and have your party there," Salls suggested. "That place is empty all summer long."

"The gym's a great idea, Salls," Marcus said. "To the high school!"

Suddenly, the entire house quaked, startling everyone. Daniel ran in, holding what appeared to be some kind of snowglobe. "Guardian, we have a problem!" he exclaimed. "I was drinking some coffee in the TARDIS when I accidentally sat on the rift! I'm so sorry!"

The Guardian took the snowglobe from Daniel. "Oh dear," she said. "It's already cracking."

"YEAH, WELL WHO KEEPS IT IN A STUPID SNOWGLOBE ANYWAY?" Daniel asked.

"Wait, what's going on?" Marcus asked.

"What rift?" Dana asked.

"Oh, that's right," Daniel said. "We never told them."

"Told us what?" Marcus asked.

The Guardian held out the rift to Dana and Marcus. "Recently Daniel and I have dismantled the portal," the Timelady explained. "We agreed it was for the best because an interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. But just as I feared, the instability of the machine created an interdimensional rift. We have contained it in a containment orb, but it's incredibly dangerous. Now it's cracking. This is what Bill has been waiting for. If it breaks, it will cause reality as we know it to completely unravel. A second Time War will commence. Bill is out there, and he will use any trick to light the first spark."

"What are you going to do?" Dana asked.

"Daniel and I will patch the rift," the Guardian said, locking the rift in a protective case. "We'll also bring Franny with us, although it's sad that Silvia is dead. It would be easier to cover more ground that way." She looked at Dana. "Unless..."

"What?" Dana asked.

"Perfect, you'll come with us!" the Guardian said, sounding a bit too happy.

"Come with you?" Dana asked. "But what about Marcus?"

"It's okay, Dana," Marcus said. "You should totally go with the Guardian and Mr. Noble to fix that rift thingy."

"Are you sure?" Dana asked.

"We're going to be doing birthday junk all week," Marcus said.

"Then it's settled," the Guardian said. "Dana, you're coming with us."

Dana let out a sigh. "Fine," she said.

* * *

After getting Old Woman McGucket, the Guardian, her companions, and Dana arrived at the Floating Cliffs.

"Okay gang," the Guardian said. "In order to seal the rift for good, it's going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on Earth. Something...extraterrestrial in origin."

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said. "Extraterrestrial? Are we going back to that crashed Cyber ship?"

"Precisely," the Guardian answered.

"W-What cyber ship?" Dana asked.

"Oh, that's right," the Guardian said. "Dana, before you met me, the real me, did you believe in aliens and UFOs?"

Dana shrugged. "I guess," she said.

"The entire valley of Gravity Falls was formed when an ancient Cybermen ship crash-landed here millions of years ago," the Guardian explained. "According to Gallifreyan legend, the event caused the town's strange properties."

"But that's crazy!" Dana exclaimed. "Where did the ship go?"

"Right over here," the Guardian answered. She pushed a rock away, revealing an underground entrance. "Now I hope each of you still have your gold magnet guns."

Old Woman McGucket and Daniel pulled guns that looked gold in color as Dana looked on in confusion. "I don't have one," the young girl said.

"It's okay, you can borrow Silvia's," the Guardian said as she pulled out her own gold magnet gun. "Now stand back."

The Guardian proceeded to detach the opening with her magnet gun. Dana was speechless. "You... I... Words...not working for mouth."

"Don't get your hopes up," Daniel said.

"Yeah," Old Woman McGucket agreed. "Being exposed to this sort of thing a lot kind of makes it bland after a while."

"Come along, companions," the Guardian said, giving Dana a gold magnet gun that had 'Property of Silvia Pines' spelled out in rhinestones. "We haven't got all day. And Dana, don't worry about the Cybermen. They're all long dead."

* * *

"I can't believe there's been a giant alien ship under the town this whole time," Dana said as she, the Guardian, Daniel, and Old Woman McGucket explored the ship.

"I remember when we used to come down here all the time to raid Cybermen tech and study their language," Old Woman McGucket told her two friends.

"Well I remember that time Silvia found this weird giant bat down here," Daniel said. He chuckled. "She thought that thing was copying her voice."

"That wasn't an ordinary bat," the Guardian reminded Daniel. "Franny, you might not remember it, but you came to the conclusion that the bat was the perfect hider."

As the three adults reminisced about the past, Dana took a selfie with some of the alien symbols on the wall.

"Okay everyone," the Guardian said after some more reminiscing. "The substance we need to seal the rift is an alien adhesive. Just one dollop of this adhesive should be enough to seal a crack in space-time."

Eventually the group came across a metal pillar. The Guardian, Daniel, and Old Woman McGucket proceeded to use their gold magnet guns to climb down the pillar.

"Alright Dana!" the Guardian said once she and her companions reached the ground. "It's your turn!"

Releasing a deep breath, Dana turned on Silvia's gold magnet gun with ease. She jumped, but she accidentally crashed on onto the ceiling. "A little help?" she called out.

* * *

Several hours passed. During that time, Dana, the Guardian, Daniel, and Old Woman McGucket searched for the adhesive. But unfortunately, they couldn't seem to find it. Eventually the Guardian walked over to Dana.

"Dana, let me ask you something," the Guardian said. "Have you thought much about your future?"

"No, not really," Dana answered. "I mean, beyond graduating high school with a high GPA so I can get accepted to an art college that could eventually help me become an illustrator for children's books."

"Children's books?" the Guardian asked. "You want to spend your whole life drawing pictures for children's books?"

"Well, yeah," Dana replied. "Drawing is the one thing that gives me true happiness."

"But Dana, I've been thinking," the Guardian said. "I'm on my last regeneration. I need someone to eventually take my place and travel through time and space. And I want to give the TARDIS key to someone I really trust."

"What are you saying?" Dana asked.

"Franny showed me the additions you and your brother made to her journals and I'm impressed with your potential," the Guardian said. "What would you say to attending the Timelord Academy after the summer ends?"

"What?!" Dana asked.

"Your parents would be thrilled about you getting such an advanced education," the Guardian continued.

"I never actually thought about leaving Earth," Dana tried to explain.

"But isn't it suffocating?" the Guardian asked. "Dana, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?"

"I-I dunno," Dana stammered. "I'm not sure I have what it takes. I was mind-raped by Bill, I was wrong about the the portal in the basement... Heck, I can't even figure out what's wrong with me!"

"I found it!" Old Woman McGucket suddenly exclaimed, holding up a piece of medal that has some pink gunk on one side. "I found the adhesive!"

"Alright Franny!" Daniel cheered.

"Perfect," the Guardian said, taking out the rift. "Now let's get the rift sealed up."

But suddenly, a loud thump was heard. "Uh, Guardian, you said everything in here is dead, right?" Dana asked.

"Yes," the Guardian. "Unless somehow we indirectly reactivated the security system!"

As if on cue, two security drones emerged. "What do we do?!" Dana asked.

"Okay companions," the Guardian said. "You know the drill. Do not express fear."

"What?!" Dana asked.

"It's okay," the Guardian told Dana. "Just take a deep breath, focus on your intellect, and control your fear."

The droid measured the Guardian's heartbeats and found them to be calm. It moved on to Daniel and Old Woman McGucket, and then Dana, who was stammering. Detecting fear, it produced a gun.

"Get down!" the Guardian exclaimed. She tackled Dana, dodging the flash from the gun. The Timelady then stood up and shot the droid, destroying it, but she, Daniel, and Old Woman McGucket were hit with a flash. This allowed the other droid to produce arms and drag the three adults towards it.

"Stay back!" the Guardian told Dana. "It's too dangerous! Sealing the rift is what's important now!" She slid the rift to Dana, who put it in her backpack.

The droid trapped the three adults in itself. "You're going to have to do it without us!" the Guardian said. "Use the adhesive! Fix the rift! Save the universe, Dana!" Then the droid flew away into the tunnels.

Dana chased the droid through the tunnels. The droid then disappeared behind a saucer-shaped door. "Where is that thing taking you?!" she asked as the room glowed purple and some kind of map appeared.

"Probably somewhere to upgrade me and Franny!" Daniel replied. "And maybe kill the Guardian."

"What?!" Dana asked. She gasped as the ceiling opened to the outside.

Without thinking clearly, Dana put duct tape around her hand and Silvia's gold magnet gun. The gun attached itself to the droid right before it blasted away.

* * *

Outside, the droid broke through a grate and flew high into the air. Dana pounded the droid, leaving a dent. "Let go of the Guardian and her friends!" she exclaimed.

The droid swerved around, flew through the crack in the cliff, through the waterfall and through the water tower. The droid bumped, knocking the Guardian unconscious.

Dana turned a knob on the gun, resulting in a magnet pulse. The droid crashed into the woods, resulting in Dana getting all bruised up.

Dana ran over to the crashed droid and pounded on the glass. With a strong punch, she broke the glass.

"Come on, Dana," Daniel said as he and Old Woman McGucket lifted up Dana. "We have to get out of here before-"

Suddenly, another droid appeared. It began to scan Dana, then it produced a large gun.

"Oh yeah?!" Dana asked, tears forming in her eyes. "You think you can scare me?! Do your worst! It's not like anything in life matters anymore! So go ahead!" She fell to the ground, sobbing hard. "Give me what you've got..." She closed her eyes and waited for the droid to finally end her once and for all.

But then, something strange happened. Yellow glowing energy swirled around Dana as she continued sobbing. "What the...?" Daniel muttered.

"It can't be..." Old Woman McGucket said.

The glowing energy was then released like a massive explosion, causing the droid to dissolve. Dana calmed down and slowly looked up. Then she looked at her hands, which were slightly glowing. She gasped as the glow faded.

The Guardian finally woke up. "What happened?" she asked.

Daniel and Old Woman McGucket allowed the Guardian stand back up properly. "Guardian, you won't believe what happened!" Daniel said. "This weird glowing energy came out of Dana and it completely destroyed a droid!"

"She did what?" the Guardian asked. She and her companions walked over to Dana.

"What just happened?" Dana asked.

"You're half-Gallifreyan," the Guardian recalled.

Dana blinked, confused. "Yeah, I know," she said. "We already discussed that."

"Of course!" the Guardian happily exclaimed. "You're half-human and half-Gallifreyan! A crossbreed of two warrior races! Don't you see, Dana? You're the legendary Hybrid!"

"Hybrid?" Dana asked.

"It all makes sense!" the Guardian continued. "You're the one who's destined to help us defeat the Ciphers!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said. "You honestly think Dana's this 'hybrid' thingy?"

"But that's not it," the Guardian said. "Being able to understand Circular Gallifreyan before knowing about the language's existence, the slight exposure to the Untempered Schism, looking and sounding exactly like Silvia..."

"Now I remember!" Old Woman McGucket said. "Silvia always had an unusually high-pitched voice! Poor girl often said it was because Mrs. Pines constantly smoked, even during pregnancy."

The Guardian picked up Dana and hugged her tightly. "Oh Silvia!" she happily exclaimed. "Welcome back!"

"Excuse me?!" Dana asked.

The Guardian put Dana back on the ground. "You're a reincarnation of your great-aunt," the Timelady explained. "She graduated from the Timelord Academy as an honorary Timelady, thus making her an unofficial Gallifreyan. Somehow her soul was mixed with yours, and as a result, you became half-human and half-Gallifreyan." She smiled wide. "We must get back to the TARDIS to begin your training."

"Are you kidding?!" Dana asked. She looked both angry and sad at the same time. "My whole life was just a lie?!"

"No, Dana, you don't understand," the Guardian said. "You're the Hybrid who's destined to-"

"No, you don't understand!" Dana exclaimed. "I've had an awful life! When I turn thirteen, the summer ends, and I have to go back to my miserable life back home! You don't know what's it's like to be completely outcasted from all of society!"

"But you have to understand, Dana," the Guardian tried to reassure. "Things aren't going to stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. All you have to do is accept your destiny."

But instead of responding, Dana dropped Silvia's gold magnet gun and ran off. "Dana, come back!" the Guardian exclaimed. "You have to accept that you're the Hybrid!"

Dana ran into the woods, crying hard. She didn't care where she was going. She just wanted to escape this awful town.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Surprise Hut, Marcus wasn't having a good day either. The high school gym was occupied and all of his friends weren't going to attend his birthday party next week, but the strangest thing was that everyone in town was bitter and angry for some reason.

Then again, maybe he just had to accept that it was time to grow up. He took off his glittery Green Jewel Pony medallion and placed it on the shelf next to his other medallions. He was losing interest in the franchise after all. Maybe it was time to finally grow out of it.

Suddenly, the Guardian ran into the room. "Marcus, you have to help me!" she exclaimed. "Franny and Daniel are in the TARDIS, and we don't have much time!"

"I know," Marcus said. "Things change and summer ends. It's all a part of growing up."

"Stop talking nonsense!" the Guardian said. "Your sister is out there with the rift! We have to find her before it's too late!"

"What?" Marcus asked.

"Long story short, she's destined to help defeat the Ciphers!" the Guardian said. "Now come! We have to find Dana!"

* * *

Eventually Dana arrived at a tall cliff. She remembered coming here early in the summer to sketch the scenery. It was her special private area.

But now wasn't the time to reminiscence. Dana stood on the edge of the cliff, feeling both anger towards the Guardian and sorrow for realizing her life was a lie. And none of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for-

The rift.

Dana pulled the rift out of her backpack and looked at it. What if this whole thing was nothing but a trick created by the Guardian? What if this whole thing was psychological test? If so, nothing would happen if she was to break it.

So Dana readied her arm. She was going to do it. She was going to hurl this stupid rift over the cliff, finally freeing her from this-

CRACK!

Dana dropped the now-broken containment orb in shock. What happened? What's going on? How did that rift spontaneously break? She didn't have time to think because without warning, she fell unconscious, falling off the cliff in the process. Then a voice echoed in the sky.

"At last! At long, long last! The gateway between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesized has finally come to pass! The day has come! The world is finally mine!"

* * *

Back at the Surprise Hut, Marcus and the Guardian ran out, only to see the sky turn red and an X-shaped rift appearing in the sky. "What's going on?!" Marcus asked. "What the X is that?!"

"We're too late," the Guardian answered. "The second Time War has begun."


	19. Xpcveaoqfoxso

Dana's body was somewhere in the forest. After falling off the cliff, one could easily come to the conclusion that she had died.

But no one was present when Dana fell. For all anyone could know, she disappeared after running into the forest, never to be seen again.

Suddenly, the body was lifted up and locked into a bright blue bubble with a sketchpad symbol on it. The bubble then vanished.

* * *

Meanwhile, everyone was freaking out over the sudden change in weirdness. There was no source of the weirdness. It just...happened. And if that wasn't enough, the statue of Nicole Southeast spontaneously melted.

If that wasn't enough, various Ciphers emerged from the rift in the sky. They were all different shapes and sizes. Some were tall, some were small, and some didn't resemble a humanoid shape. One Cipher in particular was Aquanica. She was a cyan glowing demon-like Cipher with short light blue hair, bangs parted across her face, and several small horns across her skull, in between her two other big curved horns. She had one eye, just above her wide mouth and thick lips, that hid her buck teeth and fangs. She had a slim humanoid body, and her limbs were made of water. She wore a long light blue cape and light blue stiletto pumps.

"Alright meatbags!" Aquanica exclaimed. "Our friend Bill Cipher is busy redoing Dimension 46, so he put me in charge of this dimension! Anyone who says otherwise will be punished via drowning!"

Preston and Priscilla rejoiced. "It finally happened!" Priscilla happily said. "Our lord and master has done it! Now to receive our rewards!"

"Rewards?" Patterson asked.

"It's okay, Patterson," Preston said. "Our Dimension 46 counterparts are speaking to Bill Cipher. Any minute now we shall receive the same rewards as-" But then his face became mixed-up, startling Priscilla and Patterson.

Panicked, the citizens of Gravity Falls ran. Without warning, random people started to turn into stone. During the scuffle, Patterson was separated from his parents.

Suddenly, colorful bubbles appeared. One bubble passed through Patterson, causing him to panic and scream. He never felt this scared in his entire life.

* * *

Over at the Surprise Hut, Marcus and the Guardian looked at the changing environment. "So this is Bill's idea for a second Time War," the Guardian said.

Birds cawed and flew over the Guardian and Marcus. Various animals followed the birds.

"I'm not sure how, but the rift has shattered," the Guardian said. "The Cipher realm is spilling into our world and Bill's powers grow stronger every minute."

"Dana!" Marcus exclaimed. "The rift must have cracked inside her backpack! She must be in danger! I have to go find her!" With that, he ran off, hoping to find his sister.

"Marcus, get back here!" the Guardian exclaimed. But the 12-year-old boy kept on running.

Letting out a sigh, the Guardian headed back to the hut. Shortly after she did, a weirdness wave washed over the town, mutating half of its citizens into various objects.

* * *

At the Ramirez household, Salls looked out the window. "Abuelito!" she said. "A tidal wave of madness just went over us!"

"Oh, Salls, you have such an imagination," Abuelito said.

Sally's turned around, only to see that Abuelito was a chair. "You've turned into a chair!" the handywoman exclaimed.

"Why don't you have a seat and relax?" Abuelito asked.

"But what about you?" Salls asked in response. "And my friends?"

"I'll be fine," Abuelito said. "You go help the others."

"Very well," Salls said. She kissed Abuelito and ran off. "I'm coming for you, friends!"

* * *

Over at the Gravity Falls Maximum Security Prison, the inmates were working on art projects. While most of the art projects were paintings, Bonnie was carving a stone statue of Bill with her blood-stained knife.

The art instructor walked over to Bonnie. "Miss Gleeful, does that look like someone who's ready to re-enter society?" he asked.

"Bonnie's unappreciated in her time!" a buff red-haired woman with pupiless eyes exclaimed.

"Why, thank you Ghost Eyes," Bonnie replied.

Suddenly, a giant goat ate a bit of the ceiling, making the rest of the prison crumble down. The prisoners looked outside and gasped.

"Bonnie, what's going on?" Ghost Eyes asked.

"It's Bill," Bonnie said. She smiled wide as a white limo pulled up. "My darlin' came through!"

* * *

Back at the TARDIS, the Guardian activated a large lens. "Okay companions," she said. "The silver amulets you're wearing should protect you from whatever Bill is doing to your Dimension 46 counterparts."

"What about you?" Daniel asked.

"Silvia was originally Stan's counterpart, not me," the Guardian explained. "I'm immune to the affects. Now we need to see what's going on in Dimension 46, so I linked up the Apalapucia Lens to the dimensional rift. Just need to cross a few wires, and..."

The lens showed what appeared to be Dimension 46, allowing the Guardian, Old Woman McGucket, and Daniel to see what was going on.

 **"Well, well, well, and here I thought today couldn't get any BETTER."**

 **"Great-uncle Ford!"**

 **"Dipper! Take my journals! Listen, I know of one other way to defeat Bill, it's- Oh, no! Dipper! Run! Get down!"**

 **"Good old six-fingers. I've been waiting an ETERNITY to have a chat face to face. Everyone, this Armageddon wouldn't be possible without help from our friend here. Give him a six-fingered hand!"**

 **The Ciphers cheered and clapped.**

 **"This brainiac is the one who built the portal and the first place! Now don't look so sour, Fordsy. It's not too late to join me. With that extra finger, you'd fit right in with my freaks."**

 **"I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill!"**

 **"Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle. Why did the old man do this?"**

 **"This?"**

 **ZAP!**

 **"Because I needed a new backscratcher!"**

 **"That's enough! Hand over my uncle! Or else!"**

 **"Now isn't. This. INTERESTING. My old puppet is back for an encore. You think you can stop me? Go ahead, Pine Tree, show me what you've got."**

 **"I... Uh... I... Uh..."**

 **"Do it, kid. Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now. Whattdya got, Pine Tree, everyone's waiting. DO IT."**

 **"Augh, BILL!"**

 **WHAM!**

 **"That's right. Don't be a hero, kid. This is what happens to heroes in my world."**

 **"NO! THE JOURNALS!"**

Old Woman McGucket smelled smoke. She turned around and gasped. "My journals!" she exclaimed, seeing her three precious journals on fire. "Not my hard work!"

 **"Now can anyone remind me why we came here?"**

 **"To get WEIRD!"**

 **"THAT'S RIGHT! VIP party at the Fearamid. Oh, and 8 Ball, Teeth, you've earned a treat. Have the kid for a snack."**

At that moment, the Apalapucia Lens lost the signal. "Oh dear," the Guardian said. "It's worse than I thought."

"So what do we do?" Daniel asked as he comforted Old Woman McGucket, who was crying over the ashes of what was once her journals.

"Our best bet is to find as many survivors as possible and bring them here," the Guardian said. "We can't let anyone in this dimension fall victim to the dimensional merge."

* * *

 **"We are day three in this strange cataclysmic event, which some are calling 'Weirdmageddon', or the 'Oddpocalypse'. Weather today calls for black clouds, blood rain and frequent showers of Eyeball Bats turning people into stone. I'm Shandra Jimenez, and I ate a rat for dinner."**

Patterson emerged from under some garbage bags, looking absolutely terrible. He lost his clothes days ago, only wearing an old flour sack with a piece of rope tied around his waist. He saw an Eyeball Bat following him, and he ran into an alley.

"There you are."

Patterson gasped, coming face-to-face with a female green-skinned Cipher with long black hair, red eyes, and a revealing blue outfit. "Thought you could get away from me, huh?" the Cipher asked.

The Cipher grabbed Patterson by the throat and lifted him up. Her free hand morphed into a buzzsaw, ready to slice his head wide open-

BONK!

The Cipher was hit in the head, resulting in her being passed out. Patterson fell to the ground. He looked up, only to see a startling sight.

"Marcus?" Patterson asked.

But Marcus didn't look like himself. His short brown hair was slightly longer and his eyes were bloodshot. His pink t-shirt was stained with blood, his purple shorts were ripped, and his dark pink headphones looked broken. He was armed with his grappling hook and a silver dagger. Standing next to him was Oinkers, who wore a makeshift leash around her neck.

"We don't have much time," Marcus said, helping Patterson get back on his feet. "That genie Cipher is going to wake up any minute. We must head over to the mall."

Not sure what happened to the cheerful Pony fan, Patterson followed Marcus over to the mall, all while Oinkers followed them.

* * *

At the mall, Marcus brought Oinkers and Patterson over to the food court. "This mall is the only safe haven in the hellhole," Marcus said.

Patterson saw a plate of nachos on a nearby table. "The last nachos on Earth," he said, his pupils dilating.

"Patterson, don't!" Marcus exclaimed.

But Patterson picked up the nachos anyway, and he was trapped in a net. "I tried to warn you," Marcus said, using his dagger to free Patterson.

"Marcus?"

That voice came from William, who had emerged from a nearby plant. He wasn't wearing his hat, his pants were ripped, and he was completely shirtless.

"William?" Patterson asked. "What are you doing out here?"

"My dad made me and my brothers do apocalypse training every year instead of Christmas," William explained. "Guess it's sort of cool the paranoia paid off." He realized Marcus had undergone a makeover. "Yeesh, what happens to you?"

"I'll explain once we find shelter," Marcus said, clutching onto Oinkers' leash. "William, do you have some kind of hideout?"

"Of course I do," William answered.

* * *

William brought Marcus, Patterson, and Oinkers to Edgy on Purpose store. "I have been searching for my sister for the past three days," Marcus explained. "At first I was scared, but I quickly realized that part of growing up meant being brave in the face of danger. So I fought back. Every time I found a Cipher, I killed it. Thankfully I found Oinkers early on so I could have someone to talk to."

"How did you survive?" Patterson asked, hungrily eating the nachos.

"I trained myself to stomach Eyeball Bat meat," Marcus continued. "They taste like scorched hamburger patties."

"Sounds gross," William said.

"It was the only food source available," Marcus said.

"Come on," William said, patting Marcus on the arm. "Let's get some fresh air."

* * *

The three boys and Oinkers sat on roof of the mall. "The end of the world," William said. "Man, those death metal album covers got it shockingly right."

"Hey wait, wasn't Bill the one who took over Dana's body?" Patterson asked, recalling the events of the fake wedding.

"I think so," William said. "I was able to help her kick Bill out of her mind by reassuring her that things were going to be alright."

"This is reality," Marcus said. "The power of true love won't save us now."

"You really have changed, Marcus," Patterson said. "What happened to your optimism?"

"I had to sacrifice that to grow up," Marcus answered. "There's no room for innocence in this messed-up world."

"Snap out of it, man!" William said. "I don't know what has gotten into you, but you can't be so bitter and angry all the time!"

"Says the guy who was thinking about dumping Dana due to the age difference," Marcus responded, recalling their conversation at the high school gym.

"But William's right," Patterson said. "If it makes you feel better, we'll help you find Dana."

"Yeah," William agreed. "Look, this summer, I've seen some amazing things, but nothing as amazing as you and your sister. I don't know if it's dumb luck or yin and yang, or whatever, but when you two work together, there's like nothing you two can't accomplish."

"But I don't know where she is," Marcus said.

As if on cue, a monster ate a billboard, revealing chained dark blue bubble with a sketchpad on it at the cliffs. "A sketchpad!" Marcus said. "Dana's in there. I know it."

"Whoa, it that like twin ESP?" William said.

"No, I just know Dana likes drawing," Marcus said.

"But how are we gonna get out there without being caught?" Patterson asked.

"I have an idea," William said.

* * *

Meanwhile, over in Dimension 46, a bachelor party was going in the Fearamid, celebrating the upcoming wedding between Bill Cipher and Bonnie Gleeful. Some of the Ciphers were even playing Spin the Person with one of the captured Dimension 46 natives.

Bill laughed in delight. "Go nuts, guys!" he said. "When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2."

Suddenly, there was pounding on the door. "Open up! This is the police. Time Police."

The Cipher all looked at Bill. "Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch," he said. "Let me do the talking."

The door was crashed over, revealing the Time Police. "Bill Cipher, are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer," one of the Time Police agents said.

"My body is a temple!" a male version of Brandy Blandin exclaimed. "How dare you!"

"Hear this, Cipher," Time Baby said.

"Ugh, Time Baby," Bill said, rolling his eye.

"If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence," Time Baby warned. "Surrender now, or face my tantrum."

"Oh no, a tantrum," Bill said. "Whatever will a do about that- HOW 'BOUT THIS?! BOOM!" With that, he vaporized Time Baby and the police. Satisfied with his work, he blew the smoke off his finger.

"Ah snap!" a grey diamond-shaped Cipher named Kryptos said. "He just killed Time Baby!"

The Ciphers cheered and resumed their bachelor party.

* * *

Back in Dimension 63, Marcus, Oinkers, Patterson, and William found The Fifth Wheel car lot.

"The abandoned auto-mart," William said. "Free cars right for the hot-wiring. We just found our ride to Dana. I wonder if they have a tank. I've always wanted to drive a tank!"

"I can't believe this place is abandoned," Patterson said.

"We have to be careful," Marcus said. "Bonnie is close friends with Bill. Who knows if she's nearby."

Suddenly, three car headlights turned on in front of the group. Three giant cars, each with prisoners inside, surrounded them.

"Well, well, looks like we got ourselves a pair of ground walkers," one prisoner said.

"Heheh! Ground walkers!" a second prisoner cackled. "Heheh! Ain't got no wheels!"

"Listen Discount Auto Warriors!" Marcus said, armed with his grappling hook. "We just wanna make it to that bubble out east! We have no quarrel with you!"

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong!" a voice said. "You're not going anywhere."

"Who are you?!" Marcus asked. "Show yourself!"

Aquanica appeared in a flash of blue light. "Ah, if it isn't Mad Marcus and his little friends," she said. "Name's Aquanica, and I'm Bill's second-in-command."

The prisoners lead Marcus, Oinkers, Patterson, and William to Aquanica. "It's so nice to finally meet you, Mad Marcus," she said. "But who knew the legendary wanderer so many people talk about is nothing more than a little boy?"

"Let us go, you psycho!" Marcus exclaimed.

"Not a chance," Aquanica said. "Bill figured you might try to rescue the little princess named Dana, so he appointed me as the keeper of the bubble. She's trapped inside and I have the only key." She then tauntingly showed the protagonists a bright blue key with a golden sketchpad symbol on it.

"You have no right to keep her in there!" Patterson said.

"Oh, but you don't understand," Aquanica said. "Bill overheard the Guardian say Dana is the legendary Hybrid. He knows she's destined to help defeat all the Ciphers, but I'm not letting that happen! Ghost Eyes, please escort our captives to Bill's dungeon."

Ghost Eyes picked up Marcus and William up.

"This isn't gonna work," William said.

"Oh?" Aquanica asked, faking being coy. "And why's that?"

"'Cause after I break Ghost-Eyes' arm and steal that key from you, I'm gonna wear your butt on my foot like a slipper!" William said.

"And what makes you think you can do all that?" Aquanica asked.

"Cause I'm a f***ing CORDUROY!" William exclaimed. He flipped over Ghost Eyes. arm and pulled her back. Marcus then fell on the ground and ducked, purposely tripping Ghost Eyes.

William ran over to Aquanica and yanked the key from her grasp. He then broke a car window and unlocked it.

"You'll never get away with this!" Aquanica exclaimed. "Without the Hybrid, you're destined to fail!"

The four protagonists got into the car. "William, that was amazing," Patterson said.

"I know, dude," William said. Then he tossed the key over to Patterson and drove the car towards the bubble.

"After them!" Aquanica cried out. The prisoners got into cars and drove off with Aquanica flying in front of them, taking the lead.

* * *

"Perfect," Marcus said. "Now we have to do is outrace Aquanica's henchmen, unlock the bubble, save Dana, and convince her to help save the world."

The car drove towards some bubbles. "Watch it!" Patterson exclaimed. "Go around that bubble field!"

"There's way around!" William said. "Hold on! We're goin' through!"

The car entered the bubble. Inside, the protagonists had bird heads. The car exited the bubble and they were normal again.

Patterson coughed up feathers. "That was horrible!"

"Here comes another one!" William said. "Brace yourselves!" He drove through three more bubbles. They became anime characters, meat people, and then live-action. They changed back to normal afterwards.

* * *

After jumping over a large gap, the car hits the ground and rolled. When it stopped, the passenger door opened and Patterson fell out. He started to crawl towards the bubble.

Suddenly, a figure in a cloak arrived and helped Patterson get back on his feet. The future pulled back the hood, revealing Salls. "Heya, Patterson," she said. "How's it hanging?"

"Salls?" Marcus asked.

"Handywoman of the apocalypse, at your service," Salls said. "I've been wandering the plains like a desperado, helping strangers. I even heard some folk songs about you, Marcus." She walked over to William and looked at his arm. "Well the good news is: your arm is okay."

"So what's the bad news?" Patterson asked.

"Bad news is we're surrounded," Salls said.

Sure enough, the prisoners have surrounded the protagonists. "Nice try," Aquanica said. "This isn't the world you once knew! Out here, the Ciphers win. The Eyeball Bats will be here any minute to retrieve you."

Marcus had a sudden thought. "Shouldn't you be with the other Ciphers at the bachelor party?" he asked, recalling past conversations he heard when he eavesdropped on various Cipher conversations.

"Don't be ridiculous," Aquanica responded. "I was put in charge to make sure nothing interferes with our plans."

"So are you going to kill us now?" Marcus asked.

"I could kill you any time I wanted," Aquanica bragged.

"But the other Ciphers weren't as talkative as you," Marcus recalled.

"Don't test my patience, meatbag!" Aquanica snapped, an orb of water forming in each of her hands.

Marcus chuckled. "You're not like the others, are you?" he asked.

"Why do you think that?' Aquanica demanded.

"Any other Cipher would try to kill me right now," Marcus said. "So why haven't you?"

Aquanica hesitated. "Just as I thought," Marcus said, smirking. "You don't like fighting."

"SHUT UP!" Aquanica shrieked. She threw the water orbs at Marcus, only getting him wet.

"It's okay," Marcus said. "You don't have to be like the other Ciphers. Don't let the past affect your future. Sometimes it's best for living things, even Ciphers, to keep moving forward."

"That's a human saying," Aquanica said. "It doesn't apply to Ciphers."

"It can if you want it to," Marcus said.

"What about what the Timelady said?" Aquanica asked, referring to the Guardian said. "She said all Ciphers are monsters."

"Well I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt," Marcus said. He held out his hand. "So what do you say? Do we have a deal?"

Aquanica looked at Marcus' hand. "What are your terms?" she asked.

"Help us save my sister," Marcus replied. "And I'll convince the Guardian to spare you, and show her that some Ciphers want to be good."

After some slight hesitation, Aquanica shook hands with Marcus. "Very well," she said, knowing the prisoners would attack her any minute. "Now go. Hurry before Bill notices you."

* * *

Some time later, Marcus, Oinkers, Patterson, Salls and William stood in front of Dana bubble. "Remember, guys," Marcus said. "This is a prison bubble designed by Bill. We've got to prepare ourselves for what we find in here."

"Whatever it is, we'll do it together," Salls said. "For Dana!"

"For Dana!" William said.

"For Dana!" Patterson said, blushing slightly.

"For Dana," Marcus said as Oinkers oinked.

Patterson unlocked the padlock and the chains fell to the ground. Then he, Marcus, Oinkers, Salls, and William entered the bubble.

* * *

 **Back in Dimension 46...**

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," 8 Ball concluded.

The other Ciphers cheered as Bill 'kissed' Bonnie, who was decked out in a wedding dress. But suddenly...

"Bill Cipher!"

It was a male version of Jennifer, who had prison inmates by his side. "Hello there, Gideon!" Bill said once he and Bonnie stopped kissing. "Glad you could make it. You're just in time for the reception."

"We're here to stop your evil plans!" Gideon exclaimed.

"Well that's too bad," Bill said. He snapped his fingers, causing Gideon to appear in a cage wearing a sailor suit. "We need a dancer. Now dance, cute boy, or I'll fry your brains out!"

And so, as the wedding reception began, Gideon reluctantly started dancing, all while his prison friends were turned into stone.


	20. Escape From Reality

It was Day 4 of Weirdmageddon. Inside the Fearamid, the Ciphers were still celebrating Bill and Bonnie's wedding. Bonnie was currently in the tip of the Fearamid, enjoying herself in her newfound luxuries.

Some time later, Bill tapped on a gold statue with a fork. "Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces," he said.

"Eighty- _eight_ different faces!" a hideous Cipher corrected.

"Whoa-ho, sorry," Bill said. "Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside-out, rounding up all its terrified citizens, and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony." He sat on the throne. "Don't worry. They're not conscious anymore. Probably."

As if on cue, a female version of Samuel Wentworth unfroze. "Uh... My omelettes," she muttered. "They- They have friendly faces."

"Whoops," Bill said. "Hehe, back- back you go there." He nudged the woman back into place until she turned back to stone.

"But Gravity Falls is just the beginning," Bill continued. "It's time to take our chaos worldwide!" He proceeded to create a large hole in the Fearamid. "Alright boys, to the corners of the Earth. Set the world aflame with your weirdness. This dimension is ours!"

All of the Ciphers flew out through the hole and into the sky. "Ah, global domination," Bill said aloud. "I could get used to-"

BONK!

That was the sound of the Ciphers hitting an invisible shield, causing them to fall back into the Fearamid. "WHAT?!" Bill exclaimed.

The triangle Cipher went up to the sky and poked midair, revealing an invisible shield surrounding, containing the rift and the Ciphers' chaos. "Hmm... This might be more complicated than I thought," Bill realized.

"I think I broke something," a blackish-dark green Cipher named Paci-Fire complained.

"Walk it off!" Bill snapped.

* * *

Meanwhile, inside the prison bubble, Marcus, Patterson, Oinkers, William, and Salls were walking around inside an empty nothingness. Dana was nowhere to be seen.

"Okay guys, Bill has taken over the town," Marcus said. "If his weirdness spreads, he's gonna take over the whole world. Our first step to stopping him is rescuing Dana, but he's got her trapped in this strange prison bubble."

"You don't have to remind us," Patterson pointed out.

"What is this place anyway?" William asked.

As if on cue, the ground started cracking with cyan-colored fractures. The group screamed as they fell. After a while, they landed in...some kind of cushioned alley?

"Do you hear 80s music?" William asked.

"That's not any 80s music," Patterson said. "That's The Feeling of Heart by Louie Whois and the Word. And that can only mean one thing..."

* * *

The protagonists stepped out of the alley, only to see a surprising sight. They saw a future-retro city with holographic signs, flying cars, and so many hoverboards. The wardrobe style that the locals wore was downright tacky and the city's signature feature was a courthouse.

"What is this new world?" Salls asked. "Shining, shimmering, splendid!"

"It's Towards the Past!" Patterson said, smiling wide. "In fact, this is an exact recreation of 2015 Mill Galley. I remember Dana saying tell me this was her favorite setting in the entire franchise."

"Wait, so how could this be Dana's prison?" William asked.

"I'm not sure," Marcus said, clutching Oinkers' leash. "This world was created by Bill. It was probably made out of blood and ground-up bones. He's using Dana's own fantasies as some sick trap. We need to grab her and get the hell out of here."

"Then I think I know where Dana is," Patterson said. "Her favorite location in the setting: Cafe Retro."

"So you know where it is?" Marcus asked.

"Of course I do," Patterson answered. "If I'm right, she's sitting at the cafe sipping on a bottle of Peepsi Perfect."

* * *

It took a while, but the group managed to arrive at Cafe Retro. It was an 80s-themed diner with computer monitors as the servers and 80s music playing in the background.

"So Patterson, you like Towards the Past as much as Dana," William said. "Will she be wearing a special outfit?"

"Obviously," Patterson replied. "She's going to be dressed like Michael McFennek, so be on the lookout for a girl wearing a neon-rainbow hat, a maroon jacket with a red t-shirt, light blue jeans with the pockets turned inside-out, and white self-lacing sneakers."

"Don't forget about her ponytail," Marcus added. "She's always seen with her hair tied up in a ponytail. It's kind of her trademark feature."

But after a quick scan of the diner, they couldn't find her. "Weird," Salls said. "Maybe she isn't-"

Suddenly, a girl entered the cafe. She wore a fitted dark pink dress with poofy sleeves and a diamond row going across the torso section. She also wore silver sandals and her brown hair was curly and long enough to reach the floor, completing the look with a silver tiara. She smiled as the locals looked at her in awe. She walked over to the bar and sat on a stool. She was so beautiful and princess-like, which was very out of place regarding the atmosphere's future-retro setting.

"Welcome back, your highness," one of the computer servers said. "Would you like the usual?"

"Yes," the girl said, speaking in a familiar high-pitched voice. "But throw in a slice of dehydrated pizza. I kinda skipped lunch today."

"Very well," the computer server said. "Anything for you, Princess Dana."

Within a few seconds, a bottle of Peepsi Perfect popped up from the table and the computer server brought out a slice of pizza. As the princess enjoyed her meal, Marcus, Patterson, William, and Salls were shocked.

" _That's_ Dana?" William asked, sounding disgusted. "She looks so...girly."

"It can't be her," Salls said. "That girl doesn't have any bangs and her forehead is blank."

"Unless this is part of the illusion," Marcus concluded.

"Then we have to get her out of here," Patterson said. He stepped forward. "Hey Dana!"

Dana dropped her pizza onto the plate in shock. She slowly turned around, only to see her friends and brother. "No..." she whispered, terrified.

Patterson walked over to Dana. "Come on, Dana," he said, placing his hand on her shoulder. "We're here to rescue y-"

"No!" Dana exclaimed, pulling away from Patterson. "Leave me alone!"

The others approached Dana. "There's no time to explain!" William said. "We gotta hurry!"

"You don't understand-" Dana began.

"Don't worry, Dana," Marcus said. "We'll get you out of this!"

Without saying another word, Dana snapped her fingers. Suddenly, an invisible force pushed the protagonists away from the former tomboy.

"Dana, what are you doing?!" Marcus asked. "We're trying to save you from this prison!"

"This isn't a prison!" Dana insisted. "This is paradise! My heaven! This is my home now! I don't want to be saved!"

Marcus, Salls, William, and Patterson were shocked. "Say what?" Salls asked.

Dana ate some of her pizza. "It's complicated," she said after swallowing the bite. "After Guardian told me I'm part of some big prophecy regarding the Ciphers' defeat and I was somehow a reincarnation of Graunt Silvia, I wanted to leave this town and my whole life behind forever. But after I blacked out, I woke up in a place that gives me exactly what I wanted: a perfect paradise where I'm the town's precious princess! Best of all, I finally have my own identity."

"Snap out of it!" Marcus exclaimed. "Do you know what I went through trying to save you?! My favorite shirt has been stained with blood!"

"I don't care about that!" Dana insisted. "I honestly wasn't expecting you guys to show up. I'm surprised Seb didn't find you."

As if on cue, a dark-haired man wearing a white suit entered the diner and approached Dana. "My apologies, Dana," he said, speaking in a British accent. "I wasn't expecting anyone to intrude on your paradise."

"Dana, who is this guy?" Patterson asked.

"Allow me to introduce myself," the man said. "I am Seb, and I'm head of the Nethersphere, a place where those who have died come to live out their afterlives in happiness."

"What?" William asked.

"It's not all that complicated," Seb said. "Basically, Ms. Pines died when she fell off a cliff, and she chose to live out her afterlife in a recreation of 2015 Mill Galley from Towards the Past."

"Seb's right," Dana said. "He said I died falling off a cliff, so that must have happened to me. Besides, I'm so much happier this way. I'm finally a beautiful girl and everyone in this world loves me for who I really am." She took a sip of her Peepsi Perfect.

"Dana, listen to yourself!" Marcus said. "This is crazy! I'm sorry things aren't great for you right now, but that doesn't mean you should stay in here forever!"

"But this place is perfect!" Dana insisted. "And if you let it, this world could make all your dreams come true as well."

"Actually, Dana, I agree with Marcus on this," William said. "Gravity Falls is in trouble and I really think-"

HONK HONK!

"And I believe that's your cue, Mr. Corduroy," Seb said as he opened the door.

William looked outside, only to see Trisha, Taylor, Liz, and Natalie in a monster truck. The red-haired teen was surprised. "Wha- Guys?" he asked. "You're safe!"

"We've got a monster truck full of fireworks, fake IDs, and pranking supplies," Liz said.

"Wanna drive this truck to the high school and glue this plunger to the principal's head?" Natalie asked, holding up a plunger.

"Yes," William replied. "Yes I do." He looked back at the group. "Sorry guys. I always wanted to do that. I'll be back in just a few minutes."

And with that, William got in truck and it drove off. "William, wait!" Marcus called out.

"Don't worry," Salls said. "There's nothing in this world that could break me from our mission."

"I wouldn't say that," Seb said.

Sure enough, two people entered the cafe, one male and one female. The female bared a strong resemblance to Salls. "Hey there, champ," the male said. "We're back."

Salls was in awe. "Holy- Whoa, whoa. Mom? Dad?"

"We know we treated you like garbage because you're a lesbian," Mrs. Ramirez said. "But as long as you're in this world, we can finally be a happy family."

"You're perfect!" Salls happily said.

"It's a trap!" Marcus said, armed with his grappling hook. "Don't go with them, Salls! No matter what they offer you!"

Mr. Ramirez held up a ball and a baseball glove. "I can finally teach you how to play baseball," he suggested.

"I'm sorry," Salls told Marcus. "Even if it is all a dream, I've gotta spend some time with my folks." And with that, she left the diner with her parents.

Marcus looked over at Dana. "This has gone too far!" he said. "You can't honestly think these fantasies are good for anyone!"

"But Marcus, people are happy here!" Dana said. "Seb's Nethersphere has something for everyone. Even you and Pattersion. In fact..."

"Ah, yes," Seb said, looking at a clipboard. "Patterson Southeast, your parents are waiting for you by the clock tower. I have modified them so they actually notice you. And Marcus Pines-"

"Nope!" Marcus said, clutching his broken headphones. "Whatever it is, I'm interested!"

* * *

Back in the Fearamid, the Ciphers all groaned, having been using their own bodies as battering rams to break through the barrier.

"Alright," Bill said, pacing back and force. "Can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound INFINITE POWER..." He made lightning strike the walls. "...NONE OF US CAN ESCAPE THE BORDERS OF THIS STUPID HICK TOWN?!" He sat back down on his stone throne. "There's some kind of force field keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it?"

Bill held up his golden statue, and he had a sudden thought. "Hmm... Maybe someone needs to come out of retirement..." he realized.

* * *

Back in the Nethersphere, Dana had finished her meal at Cafe Retro. At the moment she was riding on a diamond-studded hoverboard around the pond. She smiled wide, happy with her new life. In Mill Galley, there wasn't any stupid prophecies. She could finally be her own person.

"Dana, we need to talk."

Dana halted her hoverboard and faced William. "Oh, hey, William, what's up?" she asked. "I thought you were embracing your perfect paradise."

"Yeah, that got old quick," William said. "And this 80s music is really starting to get on my nerves."

"It's all part of my perfect paradise," Dana said. "After all, The Feeling of Heart is the unofficial theme song of the Towards the Past franchise." She thought about it for a while. "Well, that and Go Through Time, which is also performed by Louie Whois and the Word."

"Dana, this isn't like you," William said. "Bill must have brainwashed you into becoming this ultra-feminine princess."

"William, being a tomboy who likes Mysterious Sciencey Screening 1000 is one part of my personality," Dana said. "You just have to accept that there's more to me than that. After all, we are unofficially married."

"Yeah, about that..." William said, looking at his ring. "I'm starting to realize that you were better off as just my friend. I mean, you're my dream girl, but what if I do something bad to you? I'm so much older than you."

"It's okay," Dana said, looking at her own ring. "I've been questioning our relationship ever since that road trip. I only agreed to date you because I thought no other guy would like me."

"So how about we end it before either one of us gets hurt?" William asked.

"I was thinking the exact same thing," Dana agreed.

And with that, the two friends took off their rings and threw them into the pond.

Suddenly, there was a bit of a scuffle nearby. Dana rode her hoverboard over the the ground as William followed her. The brunette girl gasped, seeing her own brother being tackled by guards.

"You are hereby accused of breaking the Nethersphere's one rule: mentioning reality," one guard told Marcus. "Prepare to be banished from this land FOREVER."

Marcus looked at Dana. "Dana, you're smarter than this!" he exclaimed. "Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me?!"

"Guards, as the princess of this land, I won't let you banish my own brother," Dana ordered. "There has to be some other way."

"Very well," the guard said. "If Marcus Pines wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial of fantasy vs. reality."

* * *

And so, the locals gathered in the courthouse. Salls, William, Patterson, and Oinkers were sitting in the crowd, with Dana and Marcus sitting at a table near the front.

"I can't believe you're letting them take our argument to court," Marcus said.

"It's not my fault," Dana said. "I didn't make the rules of this world."

"All rise for the honorable Judge," a policeman said.

A cowboy corpse-like ghost emerged from the ground and floated up to the judge seat. "Order! Order!" he said, speaking in a strong southern accent. "This trial begins right now! We are here to trial Marcus Pines in the case of fantasy vs. reality. If Marcus wins, Princess Dana will return with him to the real world! But if he loses, he will be banished forever! The final decision will be made by a jury of your peers."

Dana snapped her fingers, and six brightly-colored ponies appeared in the jury stand. One was orange, one was light blue, one was white, one was pink, one was yellow, and one was lilac.

Marcus glared at Dana. "Just to be clear, this whole thing is ridiculous," he said. "But if winning a trial is what it takes for you to come home, then fine."

"I'm sorry, Marcus, but I can only speak through my legal team now," Dana said.

As if on cue, Seb entered, carrying a black briefcase. "Let's hear openin' statements," the Judge said.

"Your honor, townsfolk, jury ponies, my case is simple," Seb said. "This broken young man thinks reality is better than fantasy. But in Princess Dana's words, reality is cruel, unforgiving, and miserable."

"Yeah right," Marcus said. "Reality isn't that bad."

"Oh really?" Seb asked. "Allow me to show you this reality that Mr. Pines loves so much, and show you how it has wronged my client during her entire life." He took a book titled 'Dana Memories' from the briefcase and opened it. "Second grade, October 10th. Photo day." The book created a holographic image. "It started off as a typical day for the young princess. She was ready to have her picture taken. But the unthinkable happened."

 **A younger Dana, who was wearing a light grey t-shirt, dark blue pants, and red sneakers. Unlike today Dana, she did not have any bangs and her hair was loose. She was walking over to the school gymnasium, but she was abused by a group of girls.**

 **"Hey!" Dana exclaimed.**

 **"Oh, be quiet, Dipper," one girl said tauntingly. "We're just reminding you that you're a freak." She took out a pair of safety scissors. "And freaks aren't allowed to have such nice hair."**

 **Dana's eyes widened at the sight of the scissors. "No!" she cried out. "It took so long for me to have perfect hair!" But not seeing that the girls were going to let go, she closed her eyes, knowing she was never going to have perfect hair again.**

"Princess Dana wanted to have such pretty hair, but in reality, it was all chopped off that day, leaving her bald," Seb said.

"Objection!" Marcus exclaimed. "That did not happen!"

But Seb ignored Marcus. "But that wasn't the only bad day Princess Dana had," he continued. "February fourteenth, fourth grade. Valentine's Day. The day that changed her relationship with her brother."

 **A young Dana and Marcus were in their classroom. Dana wore a black Towards the Past t-shirt, a red jacket, cargo pants, and light grey sneakers. She had her bangs and her hair was tied up in a ponytail. Marcus wore a pink collared shirt, blue jeans, and cyan sneakers.**

 **Marcus had a bag full of Valentine's cards. "How many valentines did you get, Stargirl?" he asked.**

 **Dana shook her bag, but only one card from Marcus came out.**

 **"Hey, everyone!" a fat kid exclaimed. "Dipper barely got any valentines!"**

 **The other kids proceeded to laugh at Dana, who looked so upset. "Hey, come on, sis," Marcus said, placing his hand on her shoulder. "It's not that ba-"**

 **POW!**

 **The laughter stopped. Dana's sad expression became that of anger, her fist still clenched. Marcus was shocked. His sister never hit him before. "Dana..." he said softly.**

 **But Dana got up from her seat and ran out of the classroom. "Geez, I can't believe that freak's your sister," the fat kid told Marcus.**

"What's the point of all this?" Marcus asked. "That was in the past!"

"But Princess Dana's life isn't any better now," Seb said. "Family heartbreak, disaster, a horrible prophecy... That's the kind of reality she has. Out there, it's nothing but tragedy. But in here, the young princess is happy. She can be her own person and live out her own life."

"Well, I think we're ready for a verdict," the Judge said.

"Wait!" Marcus exclaimed. "I haven't even presented my case!"

"Do you even have a case?" the Judge asked.

"Yes, I do, your honor," Marcus said. "I call as a witness: Dana Pines!"

"I'll allow it," the Judge said.

Dana walked up and say in the witness chair. "Stargirl, listen," Marcus said. "I might not have all the answers. I'm not smart, I'm not interested in the same stuff you like, and I know we have fought a lot in the past. But I know one thing well, and that's you. And I know that although you might act like it, you don't wanna be in this fantasy world."

"Well that's a lot of bologna," Dana said.

"You're rejecting the reality that you're a reincarnation of Graunt Silvia and that you're part of this prophecy regarding Bill's defeat," Marcus continued. "And who could blame you? You spent your entire life trying to find your own identity. You just couldn't handle the truth."

"Technically that's true," Dana said. "But it still doesn't change anything!"

"Real life stinks sometimes," Marcus continued. "But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. It's how we got through life together. Just look." He grabbed the book from Seb and resumed the Photo Day memory.

 **"Leave my sister alone!"**

 **The girls looked up, only to see a younger Marcus, who wore a light pink t-shirt, purple-pink shorts, and dark pink sneakers. "Oh great," the head girl said. "It's the freak's twin brother."**

 **"My sister is not a freak!" Marcus exclaimed. "She is the prettiest and most special girl in the world! If you don't see that, then you're probably just a dumb-head!"**

 **"Whatever," the head girl said. "Let's just go." And with that, the girls left.**

 **Marcus walked over to Dana and helped her get back on her feet. "Are you alright?" he asked.**

 **Dana felt her hair. "Good, it's still intact," she said. "But..." She noticed the safety scissors on the ground, and she picked them up.**

 **"Dana?" Marcus asked.**

 **With her free hand, Dana grabbed the front portion of her hair. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she cut that portion short, giving herself bangs. She dropped the loose hair to the ground.**

 **"Dana!" Marcus exclaimed.**

 **Dana opened her eyes and forced a smile. "It's okay," she said, tears forming in her eyes. "Now people won't make fun of me anymore. E-Even if it means I won't have perfect hair anymore..."**

 **Marcus didn't like seeing his sister getting upset, so he had an idea. He took off one of the rubber bands he had on his arms and used it to tie Dana's hair in a ponytail. When he did, she let out a soft gasp. He then took out his compact mirror and opened it, allowing his sister to see his handiwork.**

 **"It's a ponytail," Marcus explained. "A lot of pretty girls have them, so I figured it would look nice on you."**

 **Dana looked up at Marcus and smiled. "Thank you," she said. "I look prettier than before."**

 **"That's the idea," Stargirl," Marcus said.**

 **"Stargirl?" Dana asked.**

 **"'Cause you're a girl with pretty stars on your forehead," Marcus explained. "At least it's better than Dipper."**

"I've always been there for you," Marcus said. "Even after we started having frequent fights."

Patterson stood up and walked over to Marcus. "Don't forget about me," he told Dana. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to become a better person. I'll never forget those kind words you told me that night. And remember what Doc Blue said: Your future hasn't been written yet. It's whatever you do with it, so make it a good one."

"Patterson..." Dana said, giving him a glossy-eyed look of admiration.

"Besides, we've traveled to hell and back to get you and we're goin' back together," Marcus said. "Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill so you can decide your future."

"What about the Guardian?" Dana asked.

"Who cares what that alien lady says?" Marcus asked in response. "You decide your life, not some prophecy. Awkward sibling hug?"

Dana smiled, tears of joy coming from her eyes. With a small sniffle, she tackled Marcus for a hug, happily crying. Marcus responded by patting Dana on the back twice.

Suddenly, a flash of blue light appeared, changing Dana back to her usual tomboy self. When the twins parted, Dana was smiling wide. "That's more like it," she said, adjusting her ponytail. "Now come on, let's go home."

But when Dana snapped her fingers, nothing happened. "Why isn't this working?" she asked.

"Yeah, about that," Seb said. "The Nethersphere isn't actually a paradise. Bill knows you're the Hybrid. He knows the mistake he made thirty years ago. So he trapped you in a prison, whether you want to stay here or not." He clapped his hands twice.

Suddenly, chains appeared on Dana's wrists, chaining her to the ground. She tried to struggle, but it didn't work. She was still chained.

"Come on, Dana!" Salls said. "You're stronger than this!"

As Dana struggled, yellow glowing energy began to swirl around her. "Holy smokes..." Marcus muttered, clutching Oinkers' leash.

The glowing energy was released like a massive explosion, dissolving the chains. "Come on!" Marcus said, helping Dana get back on her feet. "We have to get you out of here!"

* * *

As the group ran away from the courthouse, the whole world started to fade away as various Cipher creatures chased after them.

Eventually, the group reached the bubble's edge. "Sorry Nethersphere," Dana said, clenching her fist. "It's time to burst your bubble!" She jumped up and punched the bubble as hard as she could.

POP!

* * *

The group managed to get back to the real world. Dana breathed heavily, still surprised that she activated her Hybrid powers again. "Is everyone alright?" she asked.

"Oh Dana!" Marcus exclaimed, hugging his sister. "Welcome back!"

Dana chuckled. "You must have gone nuts while I was gone," she said, noticing Marcus' broken headphones, blood-stained shirt, torn shorts, and slightly longer hair.

"Yeah, I know," Marcus said, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm probably due for a haircut at this point."

"But seriously, how much damage could Bill do?" Dana asked. She looked the other way and saw Bill's damage. "Oh boy."

* * *

The group walked through town. "Figures," Marcus said. "Bill captured most of the residence the last time I checked."

"The town's deserted," William said.

"Did Bill already win?" Salls asked.

"Come on, guys," Dana said. "Let's see if we can still go hide out in the hut."

* * *

Sure enough, the Surprise Hut had remained the same. "Yep," Dana said. "Same old hut."

"Oh, man, this is the first time I've ever felt happy going to work," William said.

"Hello house," Marcus said, slowly getting back to his old cheerful self. "Hello porch. Hello wads of gum I left stuck to the couch."

Dana reached for the handle, but she stopped when she heard scuffling. "Wait, what was that?" She picked up a golf club as William aimed his crossbow, Salls held up her fists, Marcus held up his grappling hook, and Patterson readied a karate move.

"Let's get 'em," Salls said.

Dana kicked open the door, allowing her, Marcus, Salls, William, Patterson, and Oinkers to run in.

* * *

But inside the hut, the group was in for a shock. The hut was already inhabited by the good-hearted unicorn, Theta the Manicur, two random townsfolk, Cameron, Gary, Chief Blubs, Old Woman McGucket, Daniel, and some gnomes. The Guardian was in front of that group, readying her Sonic Cane.

"Guardian?" Dana and Marcus asked.

"Kids?" the Guardian asked.

Suddenly, .GIFfany, who was still inhabiting the cheerleader animatronic, emerged from the bathroom. "Excuse me," she said. "We are out of toilet paper." She looked over at Dana, Marcus, Oinkers, Patterson, Salls, and William. "Oh, hey Salls. Long time, no see."


	21. Bonus: The Princess of Glass Shard Beach

Once upon a time, there lived a king and queen. This king and queen lived in a kingdom called Glass Shard Beach with their only son. And for a while, everything was right with their lives.

Then one day, the king and queen decided to have another child. So after another attempt, they succeeded, and a beautiful baby girl was born. But there was a terrible cost. Due to the queen's constant inhalation of smoke, the girl was born was a terrible illness. Worse, the doctors told the king and queen that she might not live to be eighteen years old.

So the king and queen decided to treat this girl like a proper young princess, treating every day as if she was going to die tomorrow. Yet they did not tell her about her illness. As a result of this, the girl did believe that she was a real princess, being very feminine and kind. And due to the queen's constant inhalation of smoke while she was pregnant, the princess' internal organs were damaged, resulting in her voice sounding very high-pitched, which only encouraged her feminine side. However, she had a hard time growing out of this phase, which greatly concerned her parents.

As the princess got older, she made two friends: a female scholar and a male knight. At that point, the king and queen became worried. She was going to die in six years. What were they going to do?

Luckily a powerful sorcerer heard their cries, so he came to them. He told them that he could cure the princess of her illness, but in exchange for his service, he would have full ownership of her soul when she was to die. Believing that this was a good deal, the king and queen accepted the sorcerer's offers, and the princess was cured.

Then one fateful day, the princess and her friends met a powerful witch. But this wasn't an ordinary witch, for she owned a special device that allowed her to travel through time and space. The princess was greatly intrigued, and she developed an interest in space travel.

But you see, the king and queen were very progressive, so they greatly encouraged the princess with her dreams of space travel, even when everyone else in the kingdom thought it was impossible. So as the princess grew up, she became more and more interested in exploring the stars.

One day, the king and queen met up with the witch, who gave the princess an opportunity to attend a special school for people like her. They accepted the suggestion, and when the princess graduated high school, she immediately started attending the school. And during those years, she became more mature, yet she was still feminine and kind.

When it was time for the princess to graduate from the special school, the witch rewarded her with a special hat, one that was light blue and white. She accepted the gift, happily wearing the hat ever since.

After that fateful day, the princess continued to have adventures with the scholar, knight, and witch, even when they ended up stuck in a kingdom called Gravity Falls. And over time, she developed feelings for the knight, yet she was too shy to tell him the truth.

After a few years, the princess and her friends worked on a magical portal. But when the time came to test it out, the sorcerer emerged from the device. After a bit of a scuffle, the princess was sadly electrocuted to death. Pleased with what happened, the sorcerer collected the princess' soul, but the knight pushed him back into the portal.

After locking up the knight in a prison cell, the sorcerer knew he would get caught if he wasn't careful, so he tore open a rift and hurled the soul through time, knowing that when the time came, he would retrieve what was rightfully his.

Eventually the soul did find its next host, and after thirty years, the seed grew into a tomboyish sketch artist with a ponytail. Her forehead was decorated in beautiful star pattern because of this, but it was that pattern that made her shunned by everyone in town (with the exception of her 'perfect' twin brother).

At one point, the sorcerer discovered that this girl was, in fact, a reincarnation of the princess who died thirty years ago. And ever since then, he vowed to harvest the girl's soul, even if it meant killing her in the process...

* * *

 **A/N: In other words, Bill was the one who was responsible for Dana being a reincarnation of Silvia. With this knowledge, he is going to do everything he can to get his property back.**


	22. Take Back the Falls

Ignoring .GIFfany, the Guardian rushed over to the kids and hugged them both. "I can't believe it!" she exclaimed. "I thought I lost you two!"

Salls slams into the Guardian. "Guardian! It's really you!" the handywoman said. "I've been hugging strangers to practice for this moment."

William slammed into the Guardian for a hug. "We missed you," he said.

The Guardian smiled as the hug came to an end. "I missed you too," she said. "Especially you, Dana."

"So...what's everyone doing here?" Dana asked. Lilliputtians ran across the hut, making the brunette girl confused. "What the...?"

"Yeah, there's like monsters and gnomes," Marcus said.

"It is...a long story," .GIFfany replied.

The Guardian closed the door. "No it's not," she said. She lit a match and tossed it into a bin. "Welcome to what's left of normal around here. Home base."

Dana and Marcus were shocked. There were various humans and creatures hiding in the Surprise Hut. Even Abigail the mermaid was present, although she had to use a wheelchair to move around.

Adaline, the immortal former pop star, coughed, her arm in a sling. "I'm alright," she said. "I just have some serious injuries."

Dana gasped. "Suggessica?" she asked.

"Bill's weirdness brought me to life," Suggessica explained sadly. "I deeply miss all of my friends from my home game." A '-50 Despair' popped up next to the pixalated video game character.

"Guardian, how'd this all happen?" Marcus asked.

"My companions and I used a device called the Apalapucia Lens to see what was going on in Dimension 46," the Guardian explained. "Needless to say, it was worse than I thought. Not even inanimate objects are safe from the dimensional merge. Poor Franny had to watch all of her journals burn up and turn to ash. Afterwards, the three of us spent the past few days finding survivors and bringing them here, the only place that's safe from Bill's weirdness. With no other options left, I revealed my true identity to the survivors and gave everyone silver amulets that keep the wearer immune to the dimensional merge. And Dana, I now know you feel uncomfortable about be the one destined to help defeat Bill, so the plan is to stay here until I can get the TARDIS to work again. Once it's working, I can take everyone somewhere far away from Earth. Think of it as creating a New Earth."

"Guardian, we can't all just leave Earth," Dana said. "There's a town in need of saving."

"You don't understand, Dana," the Guardian said. "The Ciphers are far more powerful than humans. I know my New Earth plan sounds unusual, but at least it's better than some cockamamy plan in which I find an identical dimension where everyone has died and we all take their places."

"So you're really just gonna let Bill win?" Dana asked.

"There's no other option," the Guardian said. "Besides, I don't know how the second Time War could get much worse." She proceeded to turn on the TV.

 **"This is Shandra Jimenez reporting live from the center of town. Here for the first time are images of what happened to the captured townsfolk. Viewers are advised to look away if they don't want to see their friends turned into a twisted throne of human agony."**

Patterson was shocked. "My parents!"

"My family!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Officer Durland!" Chief Blubs exclaimed.

 **"Is there no one who will save the people of this town? I'm Shandra Jimenez and I'm being turned into stone by an unknown force."**

Everyone gasped. Patterson looked like he was hyperventilating.

"Curse you, Bill!" Chief Blubs cried out. "Why must you take everything we love?!"

"Guys, don't you see?" Marcus asked. "Our friends need us, but we can only save them if we fight back."

"Marcus is right," Dana said, forcing a smile. "Bill wants us to run and hide. He wants us to think he's invincible. But I have a gut feeling that the crazy nacho has some kind of secret weakness."

The refugees perked up and started muttering, although the Guardian suddenly looked nervous.

"Now if we band together," Dana said. "If we combine all of our strength and smarts, then we just might be able to rescue the townsfolk, learn Bill's possible weakness, and save Gravity Falls!"

Everyone cheered.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said. "I fought Bill once while I was in the portal, and that guy is practically invincible! Besides, it's not like we can take this safe hut to Bill."

"Now hold on a minute, Daniel!" Old Woman McGucket said. "I think I figured out a way to fight Bill and rescue the stone folks. But we're all gonna have to work together."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Guardian had gone back to the TARDIS, still hoping she could get the machine to work again. And as she worked, there was static on the Apalapucia Lens. She initially shrugged it off, but then she heard a familiar voice.

 _We'll meet again._  
 _Don't know where,_  
 _Don't know when._  
 _Oh, I know we'll meet again some, sunny day._

POP!

Without warning, a tiny Bill emerged from the Apalapucia Lens. "Bill?" the Guardian asked.

"Relax Guardian," Bill said, floating over to the Guardian. "It's not really me. I'm using my new powers to send a holographic message to you." He proceeded to take a sip of grape juice from his martini glass. "Funny thing about me drinking grape juice. Technically I'm not allowed to drink actual liquor."

"That enough, Bill," the Guardian said. "What's your message?"

"Oh right," Bill said. His martini glass transformed into a small globe as he sang once more.

 _I've got the whole world in my hands,_  
 _I've got the whole world in my hands,_  
 _I've got the whole world in my hands,_  
 _I've got the whole world in my hands._

At the last word, Bill dropped the small globe onto the ground, causing it to disintegrate. He laughed. "You know I wasn't always this way."

"Of course not," the Guardian said.

"Too bad I've been tricking other people into thinking otherwise," Bill said. "As we speak, my real self is telling Sixer some cockamamy story about me being from the 2nd Dimension and how I 'liberated' it. That outta send everyone on a wild goose chase!" He chuckled to himself. "Now I could liberate all the other dimensions as well. Can you imagine what that would be like, Guardian? Come on, take a guess."

"It doesn't matter," the Guardian said. "The Hybrid is safe. She will defeat you."

"You mean Sketchpad?" Bill asked. He cracked up. "That scared princess can't save you now. She'll die along with the rest of the Wheel counterparts! You think those amulets protect them? You're just delaying the inevitable, my old friend. And I do mean old! How old are you now, anyway?"

The Guardian thought about it for a while. "I... I don't remember anymore," she admitted.

"Pathetic," Bill said. "Just pathetic. You can't even remember your own age! At least I know that after centuries of time travel, I still remember that I'm forever twelve years old. You did this to me, Guardian. You killed me before I could celebrate my 13th birthday."

"None of that matters anymore," the Guardian said. "What does matter is that I have the Hybrid and you don't. And that 'scared princess' is going to destroy you."

"But-" Bill began.

"Shut up Bill," the Guardian interrupted. "I've had enough of you. We all have."

"You're all going to pay!" Bill exclaimed. "I swear it! I'll slaughter the lot of you! I will win! I will not be silen-"

But the Guardian turned off the Apalapucia Lens, shutting down the holographic message.

* * *

Meanwhile, Old Woman McGucket opened up some blueprints. "Alright," she said. "I've made some thingamadiculous robomajigs in my day, but this was a fail-safe for in case of emergencies."

"Whoa!" Dana said. "These blueprints are incredible, McGucket!"

"This is your most amazing invention yet!" Marcus agreed.

"Question: does it have any gun-swords?" Salls asked. "I watch a lot of anime and trust me, you're gonna want some gun-swords."

"Don't be ridiculous," Old Woman McGucket said. "This is real life, not some Japanese cartoon."

The Guardian had just left the TARDIS. She approached the group and looked at the blueprints. "Franny, are you serious about executing Plan T?" the immortal alien asked. "You know this is a one-time-only fail-safe."

"It's okay Guardian," Old Woman McGucket said. "We might be able to build it with help from everyone else."

And so, the refugees built the robot. Even the Guardian helped out by contributing some Gallifreyan tech into the design. It was hard work, but after many hours, it was complete.

* * *

That evening, the refugees were sitting by a campfire. They were all wearing silver amulets.

"Thanks for making more of these dimensional-sparing amulets, Guardian," Salls said. "I feel safer already."

Patterson showed up, having spent most of the day working on something unknown. "Okay everyone," he said. "I know I didn't help build the robot, but I've been working on something else. So now, allow me to introduce you to my biggest accomplishment so far: Marcus 2.0."

Marcus emerged from the shadows, all decked out in a new look (since his previous look was battle-damaged). His hair was cut short and styled messily with proper bangs. He wore a dark pink long-sleeved shirt with a yellow star printed on the front, and his purple shorts were sewed and repaired. He still wore his black shoes, but his broken headphones had to be discarded.

Everyone was amazed with Marcus' new look, especially Abigail, who looked in awe. "Not bad," she told her boyfriend as he sat by Dana. "You look so much better than before."

"To be honest, this is the best day of the end of the world," Marcus said. "I think we actually have a chance to beat Bill and win back our future."

"Yeah," Dana said. "Getting to actually live to see our 13th birthday party is the only thing I want right now."

"Hey, if we're lucky enough to get there, I guarantee this whole town is gonna throw you the best birthday party you've ever seen," Salls said.

"Thanks Salls," Dana said.

* * *

The next morning, everyone got in position. "Alright everyone," Old Woman McGucket said. "Let's hope this turns out better than my other inventions."

"Everybody ready?" Marcus asked. "Dana, now!"

Dana pulled a lever, causing wheels to turn. Machinery began running and the invention started moving.

* * *

Meanwhile, a few townsfolk huddled around fires. Suddenly, a robotic leg with Salls' pick-up truck as a foot stomped on the ground. To everyone's delight, the Surprise hut robot came into full view.

"It's the Huttron!" Salls exclaimed. She held the Take Back the Falls flag, resulting in the townsfolk cheering. Then the hut robot proceeded to run over to the center of town.

* * *

When the hut robot reached the center of town, dozens of Ciphers grew in size and surrounded the Surprise Hut.

"Uh, hey," Salls said, speaking into a microphone she just took out. "I just wanted you Ciphers to hand over the captured townspeople or we'll have to, like, fight and junk."

"Attack!" a purplish Cipher exclaimed.

"All right, guys!" Salls said. She took the flag and ran into the hut.

"Everyone, just like we planned!" Dana said. "Three, two, one. Go!"

With that, a battle between the hut robot and the Ciphers ensued. The refugees activated various switches and levers, while some people, like Suggessica and William, fought outside the hut robot. And with Cameron and Gary being drift compatible, the hut robot was a success and the Ciphers were defeated.

"Yes!" Dana cheered. "Now let's rescue the captured townsfolk!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

That voice came from the green-skinned genie Cipher, who had morphed both of her hands into buzzsaws. "You pathetic mortals are not going to tear down Bill's perfect kingdom!" she exclaimed, raising her buzzsaw-hands. But then...

"NO!"

To everyone's surprise, a familiar light blue Cipher appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the genie Cipher's wrists.

The genie Cipher smirked. "So you're the traitor, Aquanica," she said. "No wonder Bill made me his second-in-command a few days ago."

Aquanica glanced at the hut robot. "I'll hold her off!" she told the refugees. "Go rescue the townsfolk!"

* * *

In the hut robot, everyone got ready. Marcus strapped his grappling hook to his waist, Salls put an unknown Gallifreyan weapon in her backpack, and Dana tested her height-altering crystal flashlight. Once the rescue team (which consisted of Dana, Marcus, the Guardian, Salls, William, Daniel, Old Woman McGucket, Patterson, and Chief Blubs) was finished packing, they stood in some tubes."

"Okay everyone," Dana said. "We get in, rescue the townsfolk, and figure out how to save the world. Piece of cake...I think."

"Just so we're clear, If I die, I want all of my possessions to go to homeless kids," Patterson said.

"We can worry about that later," the Guardian said, holding on to her Apalapucia Lens. "Now let's rescue the townsfolk!"

When the rescue team reached the stone throne, they gasped. "Oh man," Dana said. "It looks even worse up close."

"How are we going to unfreeze everyone?" Marcus asked.

"I know!"

Marcus shot his grappling hook, which landed on Manly Dan's shoulder, and was pulled up to the base of the throne. To his surprise, he saw Jennifer in a cage. She looked terrible. Her once-perfect hair was crudely cut shoulder-length and her light blue woman's suit had turned into rags.

"Jennifer!" Marcus exclaimed. "What happened to you?"

"Bill captured me days ago," Jennifer explained. "He's been treating me like some pet puppy through various tortures." She started crying. "I can't handle any more mind rapes!"

"How do we undo this?" Dana asked.

"How should I know?" Jennifer asked in response. "All I know is that somehow this whole thing is going to fall apart any min-"

As in on cue, the chair collapsed. As it did, the residents were returned to normal. Jennifer's cage fell as well.

Samuel groaned. "My mouth tastes like nightmares."

Becca fell down on her head. "I think I'm scarred for life."

Marcus freed Jennifer from her cage. When she got out, she hugged her Pony pal tightly.

"It's okay, Jen," Marcus said, patting her back. "It's all over."

"William!" Manly Dan said as he and the three younger Corduroy brothers ran over to William.

"Guys!" William happily said, embracing his family in a hug.

"Mom! Dad!" Patterson said.

"Durland!" Chief Blubs said. She rushed over to Officer Durland.

"My Blubs!" Officer Durland said.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again," Chief Blubs said. Then the two women cops embraced in a kiss.

Preston and Priscilla were shocked to see Patterson dressed in a flour sack and a piece of rope. "Patterson, what happened to you?" Preston asked.

"You look terrible," Priscilla said sadly, lightly touching Patterson's hair.

"It's a long story," Patterson said. "I mean, after I was separated from you, I thought you were going to forget about me. Besides, you spent most of my life pretending I didn't exist-"

"Patterson Elliot Southeast, don't you dare think that we pretend that you don't exist," Preston interrupted. "Your mother and I might have done unspeakable things in the past, but _never_ think that we don't love you."

Patterson sniffled a bit, then he proceeded to hug Preston and Priscilla. "By the way, we still approve of you being friends with that Pines girl," Priscilla casually added.

But before Patterson could respond, the Guardian started panicking. "No no no no no no no no NOOOOOOO!" she exclaimed. "You idiot!"

"Yikes Guardian," Daniel said, approaching the alien time traveler. "What got you all nervous?"

"THIS!" the Guardian cried out, holding up the Apalapucia Lens, which showed an elderly man using blue spray paint to create a circular pattern on the ground. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!"

"They're about to play some alien version of hopscotch?" Patterson guessed.

The Guardian took a few deep breaths to calm down. "Not even close," she said. "This is a Gallifreyan prophecy. It says that when ten people who are connected to one another join hands, they will create a force strong enough to vanquish the Ciphers once and for all. But at a terrible cost: there would be a high chance that they would get permanently petrified. Worse, not even my special amulets can protect their Dimension 63 counterparts from the petrification."

"Well I feel bad for the suckers who end up petrified," Dana said.

 **"Dipper, the pine tree."**

"WHAT?!" Dana yelped.

 **"Mabel, the shooting star."**

"Holy smokes!" Marcus exclaimed.

 **"The question mark. This one's unsolvable."**

"Me," Salls realized, recognizing the large man as her counterpart.

 **"That one's easy. You've been rockin' that dumb hoodie since the seventh grade."**

Becca noticed how much the black-haired teenage boy resembled her. "Like some kind of destiny hoodie," she commented.

 **"The Tent of Telepathy sign! That must be Gideon."**

"Wait, that's me as a boy?!" Jennifer asked. "I look so..." She cringed. "...weird."

"Wait, so who's the six-fingered hand?" Marcus asked. "None of us have six fingers."

"It's Daniel," the Guardian replied.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Daniel said, holding up his hands. "I don't have six fingers!"

"But you spent thirty years in another dimension," the Guardian pointed out. "And so did that man. Not all of the counterparts have to be identical."

"I guess that makes sense," Daniel said, still baffled.

 **"Ice? Who's ice?"**

 **"The symbols needn't all be literal, Dipper. It just has to be someone cool in the face of danger."**

 **"Wendy! Wendy!"**

"Wow, I look rad as a girl," William commented, noticing how the red-haired girl looked so much like him.

 **"Much like the spectacles need to be someone scholarly."**

"Like me," Old Woman McGucket said as she watched a man with a long beard step into the circle.

 **"This is freaky."**

"No kidding," Patterson agreed, surprised that he was a she in a parallel dimension.

 **"Now hold hands, everyone."**

 **"Ew! I'm not touching that."**

 **"Do it, sweetie. Do the one thing no one in our family has ever done: touch the hillbilly."**

When the Dimension 46 counterparts joined hands, a light glowed around everyone in the circle. Suddenly, Dana fell over due to losing feeling in both legs. Every single one of the Dimension 63 counterparts were also becoming numb.

 **"Great Uncle Ford! It think it's working!"**

"What about you?" Daniel asked the Guardian as he collapsed.

"Stan is the last person on the wheel," the Guardian explained as the remaining townsfolk fled. "But his counterpart was Silvia, not me. It's the reason why I'm immune."

Dana started crying. Patterson limped over to her. Marcus was about to follow, but William put his hand on the boy's shoulder, silently shaking his head 'no'.

"You alright?" Patterson asked Dana.

"Look at us," Dana said as she lightly sobbed. "We're getting petrified because of those people in Dimension 46. Were we just...carbon copies of the original? Was this whole thing pointless?"

Patterson reached forward to caress Dana's cheek. "Don't say that," he said. "I noticed that you look nothing like your opposite-gender counterpart. He wears a blue and white hat, you clip your bangs back with a sapphire barrette. He wears a navy blue vest, you tie a navy blue hoodie around your waist. You're not some carbon copy. You're an original. There's no way you can be a copy. Besides..." He repositioned his hand to cup Dana's chin. "I kinda hate seeing the girl I love cry."

"Love?" Dana repeated, her voicing choking up.

"And I know you're still dating William," Patterson said. "I just wanted to let you know that no matter what, I will always lo-"

But as a silent way of letting Patterson know she and William broke up, Dana interrupted the blonde boy with a kiss. It was brief, but it sent a message loud and clear. When the two parted, a small smile appeared on Patterson's face.

The two kids proceeded to embrace in a hug. Dana closed her eyes as she lost more feeling in her body. But she kept on hugging. She wanted her last memories to be of being in the arms of the one boy she was truly cared abo-

 **"Grammar, Stanley."**

 **"I'll 'grammar Stanley' you!"**

Dana's eyes shot open as she regained feeling in her body. She quickly parted from Patterson and rushed over to the Apalapucia Lens. She gasped as she saw Stan and the man from earlier gets into a very physical fight.

"It's okay," the Guardian reassured. "This should give me enough time to find another way to-"

Suddenly, the Apalapucia Lens shattered. Then to everyone's surprise, Bill materialized out of thin air. "Did I forget to mention I can now duplicate myself into other dimensions?" the Cipher asked. "Because I can!"

* * *

 **A/N: Relax folks. This isn't the end. Because Take Back the Falls is two regular episodes merged into an hour-long special, I decided to split up the finale into two separate chapters.**


	23. Somewhere in the Woods

"Funny thing about this interdimensional barrier," Bill said. "When it broke, it caused both dimensions to experience the exact same problems at the exact same time. So when I finally kill the Hybrid, I'll kill Pine Tree as well!"

Suddenly, flames appeared on the ground, burning in a circular formation. Patterson let out a gasp. "Not my only good clothes!" he exclaimed, patting on the flames that had materialized on his body.

Becca gasped. "How did this even happened?!" she asked, also patting on the flames that had materialized on her body.

Bill chuckled. "Always the predictable ones," he bragged. "The wheel works here as well." He snapped his fingers, revealing a different wheel formation. The ten symbols were a sketchpad, a star, two female symbols overlapping, a music note, a pony, a beard, an ax, a journal, a dollar sign, and a rainbow diamond.

"It won't work," the Guardian pointed out. "Silvia's dead. The wheel is incomplete without her."

"Oh that's alright," Bill said. He snapped his fingers, causing the ten people to hover. "But in case you're curious, here's what happened your precious Dimension 46 counterparts."

Bill snapped his fingers again, causing all of the silver amulets to disintegrate. When they did, William, Jennifer, Old Woman McGucket, Salls, Patterson, and Becca had transformed into tattered tapestries. "Long story short, Guardian, it's too late for your Gallifreyan prophecy to come true," the Cipher said as the tapestries fell to the floor.

Bill dropped Dana and Marcus. When they landed on the floor, a cage encased them. "Now to finally get rid of my biggest mistake once and for all!" the Cipher exclaimed.

Marcus stood in front of Dana. "Don't you dare harm my sister!" he exclaimed.

"Don't you toy with me, Star Boy," Bill said. "I see EVERYTHI-!"

BONK!

Marcus lowered his grappling hook. "Oh come on!" Bill exclaimed as the Guardian and Bill fell to the ground. "I just regenerated that eye in Dimension 46!"

"Come on, Stargirl," Marcus said. "Let's show Bill he messed with the wrong family!"

Dana pulled out her height-altering crystal flashlight and enlarged the cage. Then she and Marcus jumped out as Bill continued to scream in pain.

"Save yourselves!" Dana said. "Run! We'll take care of Bill!"

"But that's a suicide mission!" Daniel warned.

"I know," Dana said, forcing a smile.

"Hey Bill!" Marcus called out. "Come and get us, you pointy jerk!" Then he and Dana ran off.

"Come back here!" the Guardian exclaimed. "It's too dangerous!"

Daniel and the Guardian started to run after Dana and Marcus, but Bill put them in a cage. "Not so fast," the Cipher said. "You two wait here!" He turned red and grew six arms. "I've got some children I need to make into corpses! Seeya real soon!" He ran off.

* * *

Dana and Marcus ran through the empty streets with Bill chasing them. "When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna DISSASEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES!" the Cipher exclaimed. "You've tricked me for the last time!"

Bill tried to grab Dana and Marcus, but they flew away on the grappling hook.

* * *

Meanwhile, Daniel and the Guardian were still in the cage. "I can't believe this," the Guardian said. "The kids are going to die and it's all my fault. If I didn't pressure Dana into becoming the Hybrid, none of this would have happened!"

"Don't blame yourself, Guardian," Daniel said. "It was Bill's fault the whole time. He let the events in both Dimensions 46 and 63 occur so this second Time War would happen. No one else is to blame."

"I suppose so," the Guardian said. She let out a sigh. "But this still doesn't explain why Dana was chosen to be the Hybrid."

"Yeah, that whole thing baffles me," Daniel agreed. "How did that reincarnation thing happen?"

The Guardian had a thought. "Bill described Dana as his biggest mistake," she recalled.

"Yeah, so?" Daniel asked.

"Why would he call her that?" the Guardian asked. "Unless..."

Daniel's eyes widened. "Whoa whoa whoa!" he said. "If that's true, Dana would flip out if she found out!"

"I know," the Guardian said. "But it's the only way that prophecy would come true."

* * *

Meanwhile, Dana and Marcus continued to run through town. However, they stopped when they saw a horrifying sight: the rest of the refugees were tied on the ground, guarded by the other Ciphers!

"Oh no..." Dana said.

"Peeka-boo!" Bill said. He caught Dana and Marcus in a tractor beam.

* * *

Back at the center of town, Bill showed up with Dana and Marcus in his hand. "Alright, Guardian," Bill said. "I've got the kids. I think I'm gonna give the Hybrid a reminder of reality just for the heck of it!" He waved his free hand, and Dana could hear the voices of the past all at once.

 **"Don't be ridiculous, Marcus. She's nothing more than a freak."**

 **"Only normal people are allowed to eat at the table with utensils."**

 **"You're not qualified to take advance placement classes. You're just too weird."**

 **"Don't mind her. She's just the family pet."**

 **"Marcus, stop treating that thing like a person. She doesn't deserve it."**

Dana clutched her head as the voices continued, tears forming in her eyes.

"Bill, why are you doing this?!" the Guardian asked, stepping forward.

"Oh, you don't know?" Bill asked. He used his eye to create a holographic flashback. "You see, you might not know this, but when Silvia was born, she was diagnosed with cancer because Melissa couldn't stop smoking, even while she was pregnant. So when Silvia was sixteen years old, Filbrick and Melissa became desperate for a cure. So that's when I came along. I made a deal with them: I would cure Silvia, but in exchange for my help, I would have complete ownership of her soul when she died. Of course, you remember what ultimately happened to her."

"You murdered her!" Daniel exclaimed.

"No, an electrical discharge from the unstable portal killed her," Bill corrected. "I had nothing to due with that. But it was a lucky break because that allowed me to collect my payment." The hologram changed to show a picture of a rainbow-colored diamond. "But when Beardy pushed me back into the portal, I realized I would get busted. So after I locked him up, I took Silvia's soul and hurled it through time. I spent years trying to find it, but thanks to a deal I made with Preston and Priscilla, I found out my little seed had blossom into a tomboyish sketch artist with a ponytail."

The hologram turned into an image of a sketchpad, which opened to reveal a rainbow-colored diamond on the paper. Marcus was alarmed. "You're the reason why everyone in Piedmont shuns Dana?!" he asked.

"No, that birthmark on her forehead was a side effect of the reincarnation," Bill explained. "Along with the accidental creation of multiple copies of her, male and female, throughout the entire multiverse. Now I can finally collect my payment once and for all!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," the Guardian said.

"Oh yeah?" Bill said tauntingly. "What makes you so sure, Ms. Immortal Alien?"

"Because that mistake you made doesn't look so happy," the Guardian said.

Sure enough, yellow glowing energy was swirling around Dana, who looked very angry with her fists clenched. "WHAT?!" Bill asked.

"Well what do you know," the Guardian said, feeling confident. "Your biggest mistake turned out to be your downfall. And to be fair, maybe bragging about your little deal with Filbrick and Melissa wasn't the best idea."

"What?!" Bill asked. "You tricked me!" Suddenly, Dana created yellow energy chains that materialized on Bill's wrists and ankles, draining his powers. "What the... No, no, no, no!" He let go of the twins, but while Marcus fell to the ground, Dana started to hover.

"How does it feel, Bill?" the Guardian asked. "Without your Cipher powers, you're basically nothing."

"It-It'll take more than chains to stop me!" Bill stammered. "I'm all powerful!"

"And since you're a copy, it's also affecting the real you in Dimension 46," the Guardian recalled.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in Dimension 46...**

"Let me outta here!" the real Bill cried out. "Let me OUT!" But the blue flames wouldn't appear on his hand. "Why isn't this working?!"

* * *

 **Back in Dimension 63...**

"You did this to me, Bill!" Dana angrily exclaimed. "You're the real blame! You're a terrible being and you made one fatal mistake: you made me a freak!"

Bill let out a long, agonizing scream that lasted for ten seconds. Then he started bending and melting. "No! This can't be happening to me!" He flashed between several distorted forms. "Nruter yam I taht rewop tneicna eht ekovni I! Nrub ot emoc sah emit ym! L-T-O-L-O-X-A! I WON'T GO BACK ALOOOONE!"

Suddenly, Bill exploded into many pieces. The glowing energy vanished as the cage disappeared, and Dana fell to the ground. The Guardian, Daniel, and Marcus ran over to Dana, who was barely breathing.

Dana looked at the Guardian and smiled weakly. "I forgive you, Guardian," she said before she closed her eyes.

Becca, Old Woman McGucket, Salls, William, Jennifer, and Patterson changed back to normal. Then all of a sudden, the rift sucked all of the Ciphers back into the portal. (Except for Aquanica, who was depowered due to no longer being in league with Bill.) Once the Ciphers were gone, a wave washed over the town, restoring it to its pre-Time War state and rebuilding the interdimensional barrier. The townsfolk looked around, and Suggessica happily faded away, her code going back into her game.

At the center of town, Dana was still unconscious.

Marcus smiled. "Dana, you did it!" he said.

But Dana didn't respond. "Dana?" Marcus asked, his smile slowly turning into a frown.

Patterson ran over to Dana. "What just happened?" he asked. "And why is Dana unconscious?"

"C-C'mon Stargirl," Marcus said, gently patting Dana's cheek. "Stop kidding around and wake up!"

The Guardian put her hand on Marcus' shoulder. "Dana used every bit of her power to drain Bill," she explained. "It must have been too much to handle. She died saving the world. She fulfilled her prophecy as the legendary Hybrid."

Marcus sat down and cried. Patterson puts his hand on Marcus' shoulder and cried as well.

* * *

Eventually Marcus, the Guardian (who was carrying Dana's body), Salls, Daniel, and Patterson arrived at the Surprise Hut, which was laying in a heap in the woods. They walked up to the door. Daniel punched the door until it came down. The group walked into the living room, and the Guardian put Dana's body on the recliner.

"Maybe true love's kiss could work," Patterson suggested.

"This isn't a fairytale," the Guardian said. "Dana really is dead. Not even advance Gallifreyan tech can bring her back."

"There's gotta be something we can do to bring her back," Marcus agreed.

"There isn't," the Guardian said. "I'm sorry. Dana's gone."

"The best we could do is let her live on in our memories," Daniel said.

"Well I remember when she first came to Gravity Falls," the Guardian said. "She thought she had to eat her dinner on the floor with her hands."

Daniel muffled a laugh. "That's not funny!" Marcus snapped.

"It kind of is," Daniel said. "I mean, why would she do that?"

"Because she spent most of her life eating food like that," Marcus explained. "Mom and dad refused to let her eat at the table with utensils because they saw her as a freak."

"Which would explain why she was confused when I let her eat like a proper human being," the Guardian recalled.

"Dana changed a lot since that day," Marcus said. "She became so confident that she gained a reputation in this town."

"My dad told me she once punched a giant vampire bat," Patterson said.

"And let's not forget about that Time Wish thing," Salls said. "I bet Dana was pretty tough."

"She sure was," Marcus said. He sadly looked at Dana's body. "But it seems we can't-"

Suddenly, Dana let out a gasp as her eyes were wide open. She saw her family and friends looking at her. "What just happened?" she asked. "Why is everyone looking at me like you saw a Category 1 ghost?"

"Dana!" Marcus exclaimed, tackling her for a hug. "We thought you died!"

"But I didn't," Dana said. "I saw Graunt Silvia. The _real_ Graunt Silvia. She encouraged me to live."

The Guardian and Daniel looked shocked. "You actually saw Sils?" Daniel asked. "What did she say?!"

"She said she was proud of me and Marcus," Dana answered. "And Mr. Noble, she deeply misses you and McGucket."

Daniel smiled softly. "Oh Sils," he said, looking at the sky. "I miss you too."

* * *

 **"Good morning, Gravity Falls. It's another beautiful day, but every day is beautiful now that the...unpleasantness is over."**

Over at the Valentino Funeral Home, Becca was helping her parents, Greg and Janice, push zombies back into their graves.

"Rebecca, sweetie, I hope you don't mind, but my older brother is visiting us again," Greg said.

"It's okay, dad," Becca said, using a shovel to hit a zombie hand that grabbed Janice's leg. "I don't think Uncle Wirt's crazy stories can compete with what I experienced this week."

Meanwhile, Blind Ivan and the Timelord High Council had return. They were standing on a podium. "Because Mayor Tad Strange turned out to be none other than Bill Cipher in disguise, I hereby declare this town to be under the protection of Gallifrey," Blind Ivan said. "All future problems shall be reported to me and the High Council."

 **"In other news, the Southeast Mud Flap Factory turned out to be fake. Preston and Priscilla Southeast were actually mutating innocent animals and selling them to US military officers. As punishment for this crime, they will be spending the rest of their lives in the local prison, while the surviving mutants will be brought to an animal sanction."**

"This isn't right!" Priscilla cried out as she and Preston were handcuffed and escorted into a police car. "I haven't seen my son marry that Pines girl yet!"

"Don't worry, Patterson," Preston said. "Your mother and I knew this would happen. Hopefully spending the next six years at a private boarding school in Paris will help you prepare for taking ownership of the family fortune."

Patterson looked horrified as the police car drove off. He didn't want to say goodbye to his newfound friends.

 **"Also, Bonnie Gleeful, the mother of child psychic Jennifer Gleeful, was found in the woods with a wedding dress. Because the town weirdness appeared to have drove her mad, she will be taken to a special asylum far away from here where she will never be seen again."**

"You don't understand!" Bonnie exclaimed as she was escorted to a boat, her eyes permanently yellow with slitted pupils. "My darlin' Bill Cipher isn't dead! He will come back! I SWEAR IT!"

 **"In other good news, the Guardian of Time and Space, who was originally believed to have been a town legend, will be throwing a party to celebrate Dana and Marcus' thirteenth birthday and final day in town. But other than that, I can safely say our beloved Gravity Falls is back to normal."**

* * *

At the now-repaired Surprise Hut, Dana and Marcus were standing in front of a cake with many townsfolk (although the Guardian was inside, working on the TARDIS). "I can't believe you all got together just to throw a party for us," Marcus said.

"After all the Pines family has done for the town, it's the least we could do," the woman biker said. "You've helped everyone here."

"Thanks to y'all savin' us, my ma's in an asylum for good," Jennifer said. "And aside from the years of therapy I'll probably have in order to cope with the mind-raping Bill did to me, I can finally be a regular ol' kid!"

"Make a wish, you two," Salls said.

"You know, on my first day here, if you had asked me what I wanted, I would have said 'a chance at real happiness'. But looking here at all of you, I realize that the wish came true." She smiled softly. "Thank you."

"That's easy," Marcus said. "My only wish is for everyone to sign my scrapbook. I'll never forget you guys." Then he and Dana blew out the candles.

"I now officially declare you technically teenagers," William said. "Welcome to angst and acne forever."

"So how do you feel?" Salls asked.

"Same-y, but different-y," Marcus said.

"Hey, you two," Patterson said. "When are you gonna open your presents already? I hand-wrapped them myself."

Marcus grabbed a present and opened it. "Holy smokes!" he exclaimed, picking up a pink retractable golf club. "I didn't think they made these!"

"Come on, Dana," Patterson said, picking up a cube-shaped box and giving it to Dana. "I got you a present too."

"Really?" Dana asked, taking the present from Patterson. "I thought this was also for Marcus."

"You said you never received a birthday present," Patterson recalled. "So I got something extra special for you."

Dana slowly unwrapped her present. Once the wrapping paper was out, she gasped. Inside the box was an exclusive Flunko Pop Vinyl figure of Michael McFennek in his future-retro outfit from Towards the Past: Part II. "I didn't know Flunko was planning on making this version," the female twin said.

"I called the company to make a special exception," Patterson said. "That won't come out until 2015. You're holding a special prereleased figure."

Dana started crying tears of joy. "Thank you," she said. For her first-ever birthday gift, this would be something she would greatly treasure.

"This stuff must have cost a fortune," Marcus said. "Why are you being so generous?"

"It's the least I could do knowing I might not see you two again," Patterson said. "I have to leave this afternoon for a special boarding school in Paris."

"What?!" Marcus asked.

"It's so I could take over the family fortune while my parents are in jail," Patterson explained. "I'm just glad they're paying more attention to me."

But before anyone could respond, the Guardian rushed out of the Surprise Hut, smiling wide. "Everyone, I have an announcement to make," she said. "I have finally fixed the TARDIS. It's operating again!"

Daniel and Old Woman McGucket were pleasantly surprised with this news. "Because of this, me and my two remaining companions have some catching up to do," the Guardian continued. "We're going be away for a while. That's why I'm shutting down the Surprise Hut for good."

The crowd gasped and murmured. "You shut down your mouth for good!" Salls exclaimed. She walked over to the Guardian. "I'm sorry, Guardian. It's just that this hut is the most magical place on Earth. Like the attractions, the dreams aren't fake! You shut down this hut, and you shut down our dreams! At least...my dreams."

"I'm sorry, Salls," the Guardian said. "There's no one around to run it. At least, there wouldn't be if I hadn't just found the perfect replacement." She put her fez on Salls. "Ladies and gentleman, the Surprise Hut is under new management."

"You mean it, Ms. Mystery?" Salls asked.

"You're Ms. Mystery now, Salls," the Guardian said. "Try not to burn the place down."

* * *

That afternoon, the Pines twins, the Guardian, Daniel, Old Woman McGucket, Salls, William, Cameron, Gary, Jennifer, Abigail (who was in her wheelchair), and Oinkers were at the bus stop. Dana and Marcus had their luggage with them.

"Do you really have to go?" Cameron asked. "There's still so much we haven't done together."

"Summer's over, Cameron," Marcus said. "It's time for us to grow up."

"But not too much," Dana added.

"You're an awesome guy, Marcus," Gary said. "I don't think I'll ever forget you."

"Don't forget to call us some time," Jennifer said.

Abigail leaned forward to give Marcus a brief kiss on the list. "I'll try to see if my dad can turn me into a human so I can visit you," she said. "Don't want to freak out your parents if they see my tail."

"Cameron, Gary, Jennifer, and Abigail, thank you for being there for me," Marcus said. "You'll always have a special place in my heart."

William kneeled next to Dana. "Hey, you mean a lot to me," he said.

Dana fist-bumped with Willaim. "You too," she said.

A bus pulled up. "Last bus leaving Gravity Falls," the bus driver said. "All aboard."

"Guess we've said goodbye to everyone," Marcus said. "Except...Oinkers." He walked over to the pig. "I'm sorry, but mom and dad probably won't let me bring a pig home to California, so you're going to have to stay with the Guardian. Is that okay?"

Oinkers oinked, then she walked over to the Guardian. "It's okay, Marcus," the Timelady said. "I'll take good care of her. Hopefully the TARDIS can build a special room for her."

"Well I'm not picking up her poop," Daniel said bluntly.

Dana and Marcus walked over to the bus. "Ready to head into the unknown?" Marcus asked.

But Dana hesitated. "Stargirl?" Marcus asked.

Dana took a few steps back. "I can't," she said.

"What's wrong?" Marcus said.

"This summer changed me so much," Dana said. "I met people who treated me like a normal person, especially the Southeasts. When we get back to Piedmont, I'll go back to being the town freak. So..." She took a deep breath. "...I can't come back with you."

"But where will you go?" Marcus asked.

"I don't know," Dana replied. "But it'll certainly be better than that nightmare land."

"Okay," Marcus said. He and Dana embraced in one last hug. "Take care of yourself, sis."

A few seconds later, Marcus let go of Dana. He got on the bus and it drove away.

* * *

Marcus let out a sigh as he watched the scenery. He wasn't sure if he was going to see Dana again, but hopefully she would be better off in the future.

 **"If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls."**

Over at a playground, Abigail was chatting with Cameron, Gary, and Jennifer. They were introducing the mermaid to the world of My Little Pony.

 **"It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait."**

At the Surprise Hut, Salls and Melody revealed Tyra and Paper Jam Dana as 'Half-Identical Twins'. The visiting kids were impressed.

 **"Take a trip. Find it."**

Daniel, Old Woman McGucket, and the Guardian were in the TARDIS, traveling to an unknown time and place. Oinkers sat near the control panel, eating some corn. Old Woman McGucket had a new journal labeled '4'.

 **"It's out there somewhere in the woods. Waiting."**

Patterson was finished packing his bags into the limo. To his surprise, Dana ran over to him with the intention of coming with him. After the butler explained that the Southeast fortune can pay for two scholarships, Dana packed her bags into the limo and got in the backseat next to Patterson. With the two kids seated, the limo drove off.

Dana wasn't sure what the future would bring, but whatever it was, she knew things were going to look better for her after all.

 **The End**


End file.
